History Repeating

MIL just called DH to say that SIL is pregnant with #3. We are devastated.

For those of you who don't know, here is some backstory: The very same week I miscarried our first angel baby, SIL announced she was pregnant with #2. I was depressed beyond belief. I didn't even want to leave my bed. She was a smoker, and still smoked even though she was pregnant (although she did cut back). She and her husband couldn't even afford a family of 4 so they had to move in with MIL when she was 3-4 months pregnant. I couldn't see her for months. Just seeing her with this round belly reminded me of what I should've looked like. But, I somehow managed to put on a happy face up until the birth of our niece. The birth was a very difficult experience. All of the grief I had tucked down deep inside finally spewed out of me. And suddenly, I felt a weight had been lifted. As time went on, I could hold my niece and play with her without feeling the intense pain I had felt before. I never forgot my angel but I was able to accept what had happened.

Now, I feel that history is repeating itself. Deja vu. Just a month after our snowflake has passed, she is pregnant again. Did I not learn my lesson the first time around? I feel like I am being punished and yet, I don't know what I did wrong. Why must I relive the past? I feel like I'm Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. What am I supposed to learn here to go on to tomorrow?

I feel like our babies are taken from us and given to her. It just isn't fair. Not that anything in IF is ever fair. But I am just sad and frustrated that we are always the bridesmaid, never the bride. My faith is waning. Just last month at FIL's wedding, SIL was drinking like a fish and telling us how she wasn't going to try for #3 until we had #1. So much for that. What bullshit. I am not going to put on the same act I did last time. I will not hide my grief and make myself miserable just to please them. I am going to show my true emotions regardless of the consequences.

MIL is over the moon and I guess she expected us to be happy and content. But we aren't. We are angry and hurt. DH is taking it worse than I am. He basically told them they were "white trash" and he wants nothing to do with them ever again. I know he is speaking out of anger, but after all we've been through, who can blame him for feeling that way? How did they expect us to react? They just have no idea. They live in this magical, isolated, fertile world where babies apparently grow in cabbage patches. I must've lost the directions to the farm because I certainly can't find any lucky vegetables in my garden.

We've agreed that it will be a long time coming before we go to any family gatherings. DH is adamant that he does not want to see her and she disgusts him. Hell, we both feel nauseous about this sick twist of fate. He did mention that he feels like this is a competition. How many times can she get pregnant before we have our first? And because of that, he wants to keep trying until "it works" and do "whatever it takes" just to show her that we can do it. To show the world that we can do it. This situation pretty much lit a fire under DH's ass to not give up. So, I guess our plan for one more try really is flexible. We'll just have to take it as it comes (although I'm still preparing for worst case scenario). I'm not sure I want to keep going just to spite someone else.

I keep wondering what's next. Everytime I think things are getting better and we're moving forward, we take ten steps backward. What kind of crappy hand can Fate deal next?

We will survive. This I know. But why does it have to be so damn hard?