Thursday, August 16, 2007

See Spot Run

After two days of spotting, AF made her appearance yesterday evening. Her sisters Cramps and Bloat are also in town. HSG is scheduled for Wednesday at 2:45pm.

My alcohol-induced headache tells me I've had too much to drink. What a lightweight I am.

I want to apologize to everyone if I have sounded like a broken record over the situation with DH and I the past few days. Thank you all so much for your invaluable feedback and support. Things are very hard and confusing but we are working through it the best we can. It is obviously not a perfect science. There is no manual for dealing with infertility or miscarriage. But writing about it has definitely been therapeutic. I am feeling much better after DH's email and reading everyone's comments. No matter how this turns out, we will be okay.

I guess it is the Type A in me that makes me feel like I need to know our limit. I need to be able to prepare for the worst case scenario, which is one last chance. I need to know what we are up against, even if it is flexible. I suppose it is the only thing I feel we have control over - how far we are willing to go. I have no control over my body or the outcome of our treatment. Or even what treatment is used for that matter. There is a significant loss of control. And that is one of the hardest things to come to terms with in this battle.

Thank you for understanding, as always, and carrying me on this difficult journey - or at least letting me ride piggyback.

A month ago, I ordered some jewelry for myself and my package was finally delivered yesterday, just in the nick of time:

The first bracelet will serve as a reminder for me that no matter when or how, I will someday be a mother. I must trust that it will happen for us, even if it is not the way we had originally planned. I must believe that I will survive infertility.

The second bracelet has 2 strands, one for each of our angel babies. The red and green beads correspond to the birthstones for their EDDs, January and May. It reminds me that I have two children in heaven, taken from earth too soon, that I shall one day meet and hold in my arms.

I love how they look and feel against my skin. I love what they represent to me. I am ready to try again and see what the future holds. I may yet add a mother's bracelet to the bunch.


Chris said...

Your jewelry is lovely. I hope it brings you peace and hope and a warmed heart.

There will be an end to this journey. One way or another this will all end and you will be a mother. And a pretty spectacular one at that.

Amy R said...

Don't apologize Kristen! You have to be able to let this all out. I'm just so sorry its been so rough for you :( And having a plan or limit is good for your mental health. The way I see it, for all of us, is that at some point the chapter will have to end and a new one will have to begin, whatever the outcome is. Hugs to you.

Geohde said...

What a lovely way to remember your babies.

Caro said...

The jewellery is lovely and want is a blog for if not for writing about feelings whatever they are.

Baby Blankenship said...

Love your bracelets...those angels are smiling down on you and they know their Mommy loves them very much. I'm glad you are feeling a little better about everything...Love you honey!!!

Reproductive Jeans said...

Oh I LOVE the jewelry--I might have to order some for myself=)
And please, please, please dont apologize--that is what your blog is for, and that is what WE are here for--to listen and shake our head in understanding...we get where you are and what you are feeling. Just let it flow!

hope548 said...

I'm glad you are working things through. The bracelets are beautiful and I'm glad they bring you happy and hopeful feelings. I almost cried reading about them!

megan said...

the bracelets are really lovely.

also, don't apologize for using your blog for what it's supposed to be used for....getting out your feelings and sorting things out. that's what it and we are here for...

good luck with the hsg on wednesday. have you had one before?

lub said...

I am going to order some too. I think it is what I need. Thank you for sharing the idea.