See Spot Run

After two days of spotting, AF made her appearance yesterday evening. Her sisters Cramps and Bloat are also in town. HSG is scheduled for Wednesday at 2:45pm.

My alcohol-induced headache tells me I've had too much to drink. What a lightweight I am.

I want to apologize to everyone if I have sounded like a broken record over the situation with DH and I the past few days. Thank you all so much for your invaluable feedback and support. Things are very hard and confusing but we are working through it the best we can. It is obviously not a perfect science. There is no manual for dealing with infertility or miscarriage. But writing about it has definitely been therapeutic. I am feeling much better after DH's email and reading everyone's comments. No matter how this turns out, we will be okay.

I guess it is the Type A in me that makes me feel like I need to know our limit. I need to be able to prepare for the worst case scenario, which is one last chance. I need to know what we are up against, even if it is flexible. I suppose it is the only thing I feel we have control over - how far we are willing to go. I have no control over my body or the outcome of our treatment. Or even what treatment is used for that matter. There is a significant loss of control. And that is one of the hardest things to come to terms with in this battle.

Thank you for understanding, as always, and carrying me on this difficult journey - or at least letting me ride piggyback.
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A month ago, I ordered some jewelry for myself and my package was finally delivered yesterday, just in the nick of time:


The first bracelet will serve as a reminder for me that no matter when or how, I will someday be a mother. I must trust that it will happen for us, even if it is not the way we had originally planned. I must believe that I will survive infertility.

The second bracelet has 2 strands, one for each of our angel babies. The red and green beads correspond to the birthstones for their EDDs, January and May. It reminds me that I have two children in heaven, taken from earth too soon, that I shall one day meet and hold in my arms.

I love how they look and feel against my skin. I love what they represent to me. I am ready to try again and see what the future holds. I may yet add a mother's bracelet to the bunch.