Friday, August 17, 2007

History Repeating

MIL just called DH to say that SIL is pregnant with #3. We are devastated.

For those of you who don't know, here is some backstory: The very same week I miscarried our first angel baby, SIL announced she was pregnant with #2. I was depressed beyond belief. I didn't even want to leave my bed. She was a smoker, and still smoked even though she was pregnant (although she did cut back). She and her husband couldn't even afford a family of 4 so they had to move in with MIL when she was 3-4 months pregnant. I couldn't see her for months. Just seeing her with this round belly reminded me of what I should've looked like. But, I somehow managed to put on a happy face up until the birth of our niece. The birth was a very difficult experience. All of the grief I had tucked down deep inside finally spewed out of me. And suddenly, I felt a weight had been lifted. As time went on, I could hold my niece and play with her without feeling the intense pain I had felt before. I never forgot my angel but I was able to accept what had happened.

Now, I feel that history is repeating itself. Deja vu. Just a month after our snowflake has passed, she is pregnant again. Did I not learn my lesson the first time around? I feel like I am being punished and yet, I don't know what I did wrong. Why must I relive the past? I feel like I'm Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. What am I supposed to learn here to go on to tomorrow?

I feel like our babies are taken from us and given to her. It just isn't fair. Not that anything in IF is ever fair. But I am just sad and frustrated that we are always the bridesmaid, never the bride. My faith is waning. Just last month at FIL's wedding, SIL was drinking like a fish and telling us how she wasn't going to try for #3 until we had #1. So much for that. What bullshit. I am not going to put on the same act I did last time. I will not hide my grief and make myself miserable just to please them. I am going to show my true emotions regardless of the consequences.

MIL is over the moon and I guess she expected us to be happy and content. But we aren't. We are angry and hurt. DH is taking it worse than I am. He basically told them they were "white trash" and he wants nothing to do with them ever again. I know he is speaking out of anger, but after all we've been through, who can blame him for feeling that way? How did they expect us to react? They just have no idea. They live in this magical, isolated, fertile world where babies apparently grow in cabbage patches. I must've lost the directions to the farm because I certainly can't find any lucky vegetables in my garden.

We've agreed that it will be a long time coming before we go to any family gatherings. DH is adamant that he does not want to see her and she disgusts him. Hell, we both feel nauseous about this sick twist of fate. He did mention that he feels like this is a competition. How many times can she get pregnant before we have our first? And because of that, he wants to keep trying until "it works" and do "whatever it takes" just to show her that we can do it. To show the world that we can do it. This situation pretty much lit a fire under DH's ass to not give up. So, I guess our plan for one more try really is flexible. We'll just have to take it as it comes (although I'm still preparing for worst case scenario). I'm not sure I want to keep going just to spite someone else.

I keep wondering what's next. Everytime I think things are getting better and we're moving forward, we take ten steps backward. What kind of crappy hand can Fate deal next?

We will survive. This I know. But why does it have to be so damn hard?

25 comments:

Natalie said...

Oh shit. :( I feel so bad for both of you.... what an aweful, horrible feeling to have now, on top of everything else. She sounds like a real piece of work... I think I remember the last time she got pregnant. Ugh.

I'm just so sad that you two are hurting so much, and now you have to have this rubbed in your face. :(

Chris said...

Oh this just really stinks, and you are so right, it is so unfair! I got really upset when my SIL got pregnant with #2 while I was still waiting. To make matters worse, she told me about it the day before my second IUI. I say, let your feelings be your feelings, don't try to sugarcoat anything to make it look good. That being said, when you do have contact with her try to keep a poker face and don't let her know how you feel, in fact, maybe completely ignore her pregnancy since she sounds like a nasty show off.

Chili said...

That royally sucks. I'm so sorry. {{{HUGS}}}

chicklet said...

Gawd. This is just awful. Smoker? Seriously? Fuck. At least your hubby's in support, if there's anything good to find in this. Sorry you're going through this and it has to be HER again!

Carrie said...

I'm so sorry you are having to face such a horrible situation, and for a second time. That is not fair at all. I know how hard it is to watch someone, with dates that match yours, progress through a pregnancy, seemingly without a hitch, it's a constant reminder of what should have been. I hope you manage to distance yourself and take what ever measures are necessary to protect yourself.
Also, thank you for your kind comment on my blog.

Leah said...

So let me get this straight . . . they live with your MIL and are pregnant again? Wow. I can think of a few more labels to add to "white trash," but will keep them to myself for now.

This sucks so bad. My heart truly aches for you. You are completely justified in avoiding family gatherings b/c of this. They do not, nor will they ever, understand the pain and devastation that goes along with IF. Therefore, they won't understand when you don't show up but that's just too damn bad.

Your hearts and souls are too banged up right now to worry about pretending like it doesn't hurt. I wish I had an answer for why it is all so unfair, and why it has to hurt so much, but I've never come up with anything.

Trish said...

Talk about insult to injury..
I'm so sorry.
This is horribly selfish, but I'm glad it lit a fire under your husband. I hate to see you give up. I take this battle for babies by my fellow Barren Bitches quite personally and I hate to see it defeat any of us.
I will consider that some bitter lemonade out of this experience.

Just rest assured that WHEN you have your baby, it will be smarter, cuter, more loved, more loving, than hers ever will be. ;)

lub said...

Oh My Gosh... I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am to have to go through this. As I read your post (new to your blog) I felt like we had a lot in common (my first m/c resulted in my SIL having the same due date as I would've) but now I can't even begin to feel your pain. You are a strong person. It is just so unfair and doesn't make any sense that you don't have your baby when she is having #3. I also know what you mean by saying that God is taking your babies and giving them to her- that is exactly how I felt and can only imagine that you feel a million times more like this this time around. Ughhh...

Caro said...

Oh that sucks big time, I'm so sorry.

Sticky Bun said...

I'm so sorry, Kristen. And you're so right--it's so unfair. So, so unfair...

Bean said...

Yuck, what a crappy situation. I'm sorry you are having to deal with such bitter pill when you're already hurting. I'm pretty sure I would be reacting exactly the same way as you! Take care.

Reproductive Jeans said...

Fuckity Fuck-pardon my french, but that is just how I feel about what you had to hear....I am so sorry. Not the best of timing, and I just wish I could come shield you from feeling any added pain...

Grad3 said...

That is the million dollar question, isnt' it? Why is it so hard? If you ever get an answer please let me know :)

I am sorry that you had to hear that news about SIL. What a bitch. That just sucks... big time. I find myself doing the same at times too. Adding the number of healthy pregnancies of others while I count my miscarriages during the same time frame. It's depressing beyond words.

I am glad that you have the support of your husband though. At least he won't be passing you the salt for your wound!

Jerks... what kind of co-dependent relationship do they have with your MIL anyways? For the love of James! grrr...

Elizabeth said...

Oh my god, that SUCKS. I am so sorry. "I feel like our babies are taken from us and given to her. It just isn't fair." So, so painful. Even worse that MIL has no clue about how you feel.

jenna sais quoi said...

Oh God.

My brain just lurched when I read this. It just sounds like my worst nightmare. And you've had to go through it...twice!

My heart goes out to both you and your DH. *hugs*

Seriously, don't let anyone (including you) guilt ourself into family gatherings if you have to deal with people like this. Self-preservation is more important than keeping up appearances.

Geohde said...

I'm so sorry. That blows.

Having other's fertility in your face is tough. Very tough.

deanna said...

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you.......

My SIL had an oops-pregnancy, as well, also her third. She was all mopey and depressed through the entire thing because she didn't want another baby, but hadn't done anything to prevent it. By the end of her pregnancy, I could hardly stand to be in the same room with her.

Anyways, I'm just saying I know how much it sucks. Sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else......

megan said...

oh no. i'm so sorry. it is so unfair.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I am so angry for you!! It really is unfair and makes no sense why stuff like this happens to good people like you!

Road Blocks and Rollercoasters said...

I know exactly how you feel. My sister decided to share that she was pregnant a few days after i lost my twins. The worst part of it was that she had no trouble getting pregnant--the first month she tried it worked. I still cannot talk to her. I have no desire to hear about her or how she is doing. I just don't care. And I know how horrible that sounds, but she will never understand how devastated I was after my m/c because she has never suffered through that herself (and she is the least empathetic person on the planet).

So know that you are not alone and it's ok to feel that way. I know I do and I'm not ashamed of it. If people in your life can't understand what you are going through and try to sympathize with your situation, then they will have to deal with you feeling however you want about them--good or bad.

**HUGS**

dmarie said...

SO many of us wonder the same thing--why is this all so hard. It just isn't fair. I'm so sorry.

Rebecca said...

I'm so sorry to read that. I know the feeling (SIL was 17... don't get me started... White trash doesn't begin to cover it...) and it isn't good. Take some time for yourself and himself to grieve and be angry. *Hugs*

Jenna said...

I love that you said you feel like your babies are being given to her. It's so poetically irrational that it makes sense. I think we all feel that way at some point even though we know that our babies aren't other's and that their happiness does not mean we won't have our own. No one wants to hear the rationalizing of it when they are hurting. It is salt in an open wound isn't it?

I wish you weren't hurting so deeply.

JKH said...

I'm so sorry! I know your SIL's news was a shot in the heart. It's never easy hearing about a pregnancy that comes so easily, but it's so much harder when they can't afford them, and they really don't need any more. I hope that you can get your sticky baby SOON!!

Ann said...

I'm so sorry. There's just nothing good about this.

One thought--if it feels like a competition, then get into the spirit of things. Start listing on a sheet of paper all the things that are crappy in her life, but great in yours. Hopefully, by the end you'll have a nice, healthy superiority complex! :)