Friday, October 05, 2007

Faith Revisited

I want to thank everyone who commented on my Faith post. I wrote that post at a time when I was still raw from the emotions of the service. As you know, it stirred up quite a lot of sentiments within the both of us that I didn't even know existed. I have had time to think about things without my feelings getting in the way and wanted to clarify it a bit.

Although I still think his timing was poor, I am ultimately glad that DH came to talk to me about his guilt over the "possible" abortion. I say "possible" because according to him, he's not 100% sure his ex was ever pregnant but if she was, as he suspected, she obviously had taken care of it and is now without child. I often forget that I am the only person that he can come to to vent. He doesn't have a blog and he doesn't have a support group. Just as I spoke about my momentous guilt during the memorial, DH has had past regrets as well. I'm sure the service was no different for him, and that all of these secrets we've had buried inside of us just came pouring out at the same moment.

I did not mean to imply that if this child had survived that he should love him or her less than our children. I know that my husband would have loved all of his children equally, as he should. My reference to him "cheating" our children was about my belief toward the service and that we were there to mourn our losses. I did not realize that he would be mourning someone else. And when he told me this, I was naturally taken aback. And perhaps a bit jealous. Jealous on many levels. Jealous that he was "possibly" able to impregnate someone else. Jealous that she chose to end something I would desperately cling to. Jealous that our children together may not have been his first. In the scheme of things, this isn't terribly important. It isn't going to make or break how I feel about my husband. It isn't going to detract from our love by any means. It was just something I had always assumed. I guess it would be like finding out your husband was married previously and had it annulled. Would it change your love for him? Most likely not. But it would certainly shock you a bit and make you realize that you had always assumed this marriage was the first for both of you (unless, of course, your husband knowingly had another wife or child and then this doesn't really apply). It makes you analyze assumptions you make in other areas of your life. The idea just takes some getting used to I guess.

Before IF, I'm not sure whether this would have bothered me as much. But now that we have been faced with the possibility that we may never have a child together, I see it from a new perspective. I think my number one fear is that DH will leave me because of my inability to bear his child. Not death, not cancer or a life-threatening illness. But divorce - over infertility to boot. And while he has told me it would never happen, it is still a fear that lingers in the back of my mind. I could see that fear taking over in my last post. The thought of him getting someone else pregnant just illuminates that fear. He has always wanted children. And part of me says he deserves someone who can give him children. But I love him. And I want desperately to be the mother of his children. I feel like I disappoint him because I have yet to fulfill that dream for him. For the both of us.

And while I originally thought DH was comparing me to the ex, it was really me comparing myself to her (as someone pointed out). She "possibly" got pregnant easily while I need medical assistance to even ovulate regularly. She chose to end her pregnancy, while unknown forces ended my pregnancies. And while I wouldn't make the same choice she did, it was the fact that she had a choice. She had control. And I have absolutely no control over my body. I am reminded of it everyday. It's no secret that I have fertility envy. There's no avoiding it. I just have to work through it, as I have been doing for over 2 years now.

In short, things are okay in Chez Sticky. DH came to me shortly after our tiff and said he realized how hard it must have been for me to hear. He said that was a time in his life that he would like to forget, as it caused him a lot of pain. And that no matter what happens from here on out with us, it has been more good than bad. I am more of the mindset that the bad has sucked hardcore but the good has been pretty amazing. So, we teeter back and forth on the seesaw of life, taking the ups and downs in stride. But if we were to average it all out, we come out somewhere in the middle. I'm okay with being in the middle for now. But I'd really like to stick a boulder under each end of that seesaw so we could stay high.

We go back to church on Sunday. The healing process has only just begun.

P.S. I promise this will not become a blog about religion. This was only my search to regain something I had misplaced. I think I may have found it again.


Road Blocks and Rollercoasters said...

I think the fear of disappointing our spouse is something felt by many infertile women, including myself. I always worry about that and I've started to actually talk about it with G. I feel like it helps to explain to him that I take this whole thing very personally.

Beyond wanting to have a baby, I want to be able to provide him with the child he so desperately wants. And since my body is so wonky, I feel like I'm not living up to my title as a woman and more importantly as his woman. I want to give him the world, and I'm limited. He is great about it, but it doesn't stop my feelings of inadequacy.

I know how you feel and it's true, a lot of the time these feelings are things we create within ourselves. The great thing is that you have found/rediscovered an outlet through which you can find true peace and solace. Who cares if this blog is about church or religion. It's about what's important to you because that is what makes you who you are. And we all love you for that!

HUGS! :)

Katie said...

I also tend to project a lot of my own feelings of disappointment in myself onto my husband. I well remember the fight we had three days after our last miscarriage when I, sobbing and broken on the couch, told him he might as well divorce me, I was no good to him. That is because that is how I feel about me. He isn't disappointed in me, but it is hard for me to see that through my own veil of tears.

Kim said...

I am so glad that you guys were able to talk this out... your relationship must be really strong, which is awesome.

Anonymous said...

In my opinion for what it's worth....I think the religion (daily relationship with God) is what your missing. God uses certain things in life to humble us. And will continue to do so until we are ultimately humble to him.

passingwindows said...

The religion aspect doesn't bother me, I think we all need something bigger than ourselves to help us get through this.

I also suffer from the divorce because of infertility fear. I don't even like seeing my husband holding babies because I feel so terrible for not being able to give him something he wants and would be so good at. I am so glad to hear that things are ok Chez Bean. It sounds like such a complicated situation. I think it is so normal to feel jealous and upset, especially when this triggers off the infertility-divorce fear.

I'm off to read the miracles in your last post. I need that, to hear that they do sometimes happen in our community. Here's to our miracles happening and to buying clothes with a baby waiting in a pushchair as we choose a cute t-shirt.

Samantha said...

You DH really did give you a lot of unexpected information to digest right when you were feeling very emotionally raw, so I don't think your reaction was unusual. I like your analogy of discovering your husband had an earlier marriage. I think information like this does change your perspective on things.

I too have this nagging fear that D would choose to leave me over my inability to have a child. He has always refuted even the suggestion, and I do truly believe him, but I think it's the feeling of letting him down that's so hard for me. We all want to support our spouses and give them what they want, it's hard when we find we can't do that.

Fertilize Me said...

I am so happy that you guys are able to discuss everthing. That shows major teamwork and commitment to eachother. This is your blog, you are allowed to write about all of your thoughts/opinions/religiousbeliefs .. etc.. I tend to punish myself far more than anything /one could punish me for my feelings alot. I have to work extra hard to not project those disappointing feelings on situations and people.(ie usually my husband) ...marriage is all about teamwork and compromise... just like the parenting we are striving to acheive

Grad3 said...

We have all struggled with the same thing, I think?, in our marriages. My dh has to tell me often that he married me for me, not just for the children we were to have.

Close friends and family don't understand that part... people really do leave because of infertility reasons. It seems my husband is coping with it, but maybe I am not.

I am so glad you and your husband have found a new way to connect. That is something to celebrate... ~Hugs~

Kami said...

It sounds like you and your husband were better able to understand each other. I agree with the conventional wisdom that good communication is the root of a good marriage. Good for you.