Dear Anonymous

I'm not sure if I should even give your comment attention but I was offended by your implication that my infertility and/or my losses are somehow a punishment by God. And since this is my blog and my sounding board, I am going to respond on behalf of myself and anyone else suffering from this illness. In case you were unaware, infertility is a medical problem - similar to cancer or heart disease.

First of all, you say that I am missing religion, which you define as my "daily relationship with God". According to the dictionary, the definition(s) of religion are as follows:

re·li·gion (rĭ-lĭj'ən) n.

• Belief in and reverence for a supernatural power or powers regarded as creator and governor of the universe
  
• A personal or institutionalized system grounded in such belief and worship
  
• The life or condition of a person in a religious order
  
• A set of beliefs, values, and practices based on the teachings of a spiritual leader
  
• A cause, principle, or activity pursued with zeal or conscientious devotion

As you can see from the above definitions, religion is the belief in and love for my creator, whom I believe to be God. It is also living my life according to His beliefs and values. I have never stated that I did not believe in God. I have always believed in Him. And I have always loved Him. I may not always understand his plan for me or for my fellow brothers and sisters but I love Him nonetheless. I try to live a Christian life and treat others with respect and kindness. I admittedly said I felt guilty for blaming Him for my losses, rather than turning to Him. But I never once stopped believing there was a God. Therefore, I fail to see how I am missing religion in my life. I may not have been to church for a year prior to this memorial service but nowhere in that set of definitions does it say that you must attend church every Sunday in order to have religion.

Your suggestion that God is punishing me with infertility or miscarriage in order to be more humble is unwarranted and cruel. That is the antithesis of God's character. Infertility is not a lesson or a curse for being selfish or "not humble enough". It may feel that way sometimes to us when we are going through it but God created us and wants us to be happy in every way - emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally. We are all selfish to a degree and God not only knows this but expects it. Scripture tells us that "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." [Romans 3:23]. So, would you say the same thing to someone suffering from cancer? That God is punishing them with disease for sins they have committed in the past? Or people who have died from natural disasters such as tsunamis or earthquakes? What about those who have died in terrorist attacks? Do you believe they were feeling the wrath of God for things they had done wrong? Or is your judgment specifically targeted to the subfertile/infertile community?

God's grace is to set us free from our narcissism, not to punish us for it. I may not be a parent yet but from what I understand, parenting is all about sacrificial love. So, why would God deny us the ability to become less self-centered? God does not take away your loved ones so that you can pray more or be more devoted to His will. God does not want us to be alone. He wants our love but He does not deny us parent-child intimacy so that He can have us all to himself. God understands our need for human relationship and our basic need for intimacy and closeness is the very reflection of Him:

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. [ I John 4:7-8]

I have known love. I have loved my family and friends, as well as strangers. See my extensive blogroll to the left. Those are all strangers - people I have never met in person - but I love them as though they were my sisters or brothers. I have loved the two precious children that were bestowed to me. I believe they were taken too soon and I don't really know why but I know that God would never take my children away from me to punish me:

See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven. What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost. [Matthew 8:10-14]

Even so it is not the will of your Father which is in heaven, that one of these little ones should perish. [Mt 18:14]

Children are innocent and they are a reflection of God's will. So, why would He take that away from me to prove me wrong? Why then does He grant children to people who abuse drugs or hurt or kill their children, all the while cursing His name? There is no rhyme or reason. That is a question I will have to ask Him when I meet Him. I suppose those people will be reprimanded in some way. But to say that He took my children from me to make me more humble does not correspond with His nature. As a part of the Trinity, God understands our need to create family units and He would not deny us the ability to procreate and carry on His image.

Infertility causes a spiritual crisis in most of us because it is so painfully mysterious. The memorial service really became a catalyst for a positive change within me. And also within the church, as the pastor acknowledged and repented for not doing more to help those suffering from infertility and loss. The church is usually so centered around family values (be fruitful and multiply...) and that left me feeling isolated and broken. My whole perspective has changed now, serendipitously, from this one evening. I would like to open up to Him and ask for His help to guide me with His light through this dark path. And I can perhaps gain a new community of support from the church who would like to extend its hand.

He maketh the barren woman to keep house and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the Lord. [Psalm 113:9]

Of all the stores in the bible regarding infertility, with the exception of one I believe, God eventually opened their wombs to bear children. In a few instances, the women were beyond childbearing age and he miraculously allowed them to bear sons. I may not understand what plan God has for me or for my fellow infertile brethren. But I believe we will all be mothers someday, somehow, someway. And it will have nothing to do with being rewarded or punished for our actions. It will have been a part of His divine plan all along.

I hope that after reading this post, you will think about how you judge others and how your statements could affect the person on the other end of the computer. Have you ever experienced miscarriage, stillbirth, infant death or infertility? I pray that you will never have to walk in my shoes. Only then could you truly understand the aftermath of loss(es) so profound. I hope that in the future, you will be able to better comfort your fellow woman in her darkest hour.