Check, Please...*UPDATE*

Well, I assumed DH and I had ironed out all of our issues last week during the infamous power outage but apparently, I was wrong once again.

We went out to dinner last night and I was discussing my last blog about how we had reached our number - our limit. I was talking about how much of a relief it was to have defined an ending point. And then that's when I heard "well, I've had some time to think about that and...well...I'm not so sure I can quantify this so easily..."

He said that he just cannot handle another loss. This one has taken its toll on him and he is emotionally bankrupt. He's willing to give it another go but if we have a third loss, he wants to stop TTC. We can save up for adoption but no more trying for our biological child. He just can't keep doing it. He needs to be happy and not live his life being miserable and in fear. And that's that. His mind is pretty much made up. Or should I say our minds are made up.

You can imagine how my face must have melted to the floor. It took everything inside of me not to sob in the middle of the restaurant. We had just talked this out and came to a resolution. And now I had to yet again change my expectations. His emotions are so wishy-washy and I'm trying my best to keep up. But before I have time to adjust, I am whipped around again into a complete 180.

Needless to say, the check for the meal couldn't have come fast enough.

When we got home, I just cried and cried until my eyes were swollen. I had to let it out. One more shot. Just. One. And I am scared shitless. I thought three more losses was finite and now one seems so imminent. And yet deep down, I think he is right. I can't keep putting him through this over and over. And most of all, I can't keep putting myself through this. Even three more losses seem too much now that I think about it. What were we thinking before? It is becoming too risky, like a junk bond but emotional rather than finanical. It may pay off eventually to keep going time after time but you could also lose everything in the process. We have to draw the line somewhere and I will have to let DH take the lead this time. Because I don't know where to go from here. Part of me wants to keep going until we succeed and another part just wants to throw in the towel. And while the latter causes the most heartache up front, in the end, it is much less painful. We can always decide later on down the road to go back if we choose. But we could never undo any losses that may occur as a result of continuing treatment.

I am reminded of a song by Reba McEntire, "Is There Life Out There?" Is there life beyond TTC? My life has become so consumed by it that it is hard to believe there is a life outside of trying for a baby. I think about what hobbies I could pursue if I wasn't TTC and my mind goes blank. Everything I've done in the past two years has revolved around family planning. It is difficult to imagine living a different kind of life. I can't even remember what my life was like just several years ago. I think back and it is like a blur. If only I could remember, I could try to prepare myself for what lies ahead.

I just hope and pray that a problem presents itself during my upcoming testing so we can have a solution - some closure. And that the third time will be the charm once we have a band-aid to fix it. Don't they say your last chance is usually the one that winds up working out - the one where you've pretty much given up? How I wish that will come true for us.

ETA: DH sent me this email this afternoon:

Hi baby,

I am just checking up on you to find out how you are doing. I am still a little concerned after our conversations last night. I just want you to know that I love you and anything that I am thinking is just a way to protect us from any more pain than we have to deal with.

I also want you to know that no matter what happens I love you and I will always love you. I did not get married to you just for the prospect of having children. So I really do not want you to worry about the fact that I would resent you if we did not have children together. We will just find other things to focus our time on that will be more rewarding and less painful.(i.e. pursuing adoption) I know you do not want to hear that, but that is my way of trying to comfort you in our marriage. I love you so much honey and there is nothing that would change that. (of course baring the usual suspects, cheating, drugs and all) For better or worse right? I don’t want you to think I am giving up, more like protecting the ones I love.

I love you honey.