Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Check, Please...*UPDATE*

Well, I assumed DH and I had ironed out all of our issues last week during the infamous power outage but apparently, I was wrong once again.

We went out to dinner last night and I was discussing my last blog about how we had reached our number - our limit. I was talking about how much of a relief it was to have defined an ending point. And then that's when I heard "well, I've had some time to think about that and...well...I'm not so sure I can quantify this so easily..."

He said that he just cannot handle another loss. This one has taken its toll on him and he is emotionally bankrupt. He's willing to give it another go but if we have a third loss, he wants to stop TTC. We can save up for adoption but no more trying for our biological child. He just can't keep doing it. He needs to be happy and not live his life being miserable and in fear. And that's that. His mind is pretty much made up. Or should I say our minds are made up.

You can imagine how my face must have melted to the floor. It took everything inside of me not to sob in the middle of the restaurant. We had just talked this out and came to a resolution. And now I had to yet again change my expectations. His emotions are so wishy-washy and I'm trying my best to keep up. But before I have time to adjust, I am whipped around again into a complete 180.

Needless to say, the check for the meal couldn't have come fast enough.

When we got home, I just cried and cried until my eyes were swollen. I had to let it out. One more shot. Just. One. And I am scared shitless. I thought three more losses was finite and now one seems so imminent. And yet deep down, I think he is right. I can't keep putting him through this over and over. And most of all, I can't keep putting myself through this. Even three more losses seem too much now that I think about it. What were we thinking before? It is becoming too risky, like a junk bond but emotional rather than finanical. It may pay off eventually to keep going time after time but you could also lose everything in the process. We have to draw the line somewhere and I will have to let DH take the lead this time. Because I don't know where to go from here. Part of me wants to keep going until we succeed and another part just wants to throw in the towel. And while the latter causes the most heartache up front, in the end, it is much less painful. We can always decide later on down the road to go back if we choose. But we could never undo any losses that may occur as a result of continuing treatment.

I am reminded of a song by Reba McEntire, "Is There Life Out There?" Is there life beyond TTC? My life has become so consumed by it that it is hard to believe there is a life outside of trying for a baby. I think about what hobbies I could pursue if I wasn't TTC and my mind goes blank. Everything I've done in the past two years has revolved around family planning. It is difficult to imagine living a different kind of life. I can't even remember what my life was like just several years ago. I think back and it is like a blur. If only I could remember, I could try to prepare myself for what lies ahead.

I just hope and pray that a problem presents itself during my upcoming testing so we can have a solution - some closure. And that the third time will be the charm once we have a band-aid to fix it. Don't they say your last chance is usually the one that winds up working out - the one where you've pretty much given up? How I wish that will come true for us.

ETA: DH sent me this email this afternoon:

Hi baby,

I am just checking up on you to find out how you are doing. I am still a little concerned after our conversations last night. I just want you to know that I love you and anything that I am thinking is just a way to protect us from any more pain than we have to deal with.

I also want you to know that no matter what happens I love you and I will always love you. I did not get married to you just for the prospect of having children. So I really do not want you to worry about the fact that I would resent you if we did not have children together. We will just find other things to focus our time on that will be more rewarding and less painful.(i.e. pursuing adoption) I know you do not want to hear that, but that is my way of trying to comfort you in our marriage. I love you so much honey and there is nothing that would change that. (of course baring the usual suspects, cheating, drugs and all) For better or worse right? I don’t want you to think I am giving up, more like protecting the ones I love.

I love you honey.


M said...

((HUGS)) I feel that way about our journey as well...I have no idea what the breaking point it. Sometimes I think it is better to have someone be able to do that for you...not easier...I understand.

I hope you find the band-aid you guys need and the next one sticks. Loss is tough. I keep wondering about our next outcome too.

Reproductive Jeans said...

Oh I just ached for you both reading this....quite the pressure. I am hoping and praying that this will be it for you--you deserve it, and I will be thinking of you, and checking on you....

SaraS-P said...

Wow, this can't be an easy time for you. I too hope that this last shot works out.

Caro said...

I will just say that your last loss is still very recent and thus raw. It may be that his and your feelings about this change with time.

Oh and good luck.

Sherry said...

Aww Kristen

I have to say I agree with caro - its really soon for you to be making concrete decisions. The wounds are just too fresh now. In time, you may change your minds a couple of times before you settle on the right answer.

And - after reading that email, your dh is a sweetheart - he's a keeper!

chicklet said...

Awww, you're husband's awesome. The fact that he sent an email to you to check in today, that's really really great. But coming to that final decision, gawd, I dread that. Good luck this round. Maybe you'll get to be like Serenity and the last shot will be the one. I'll hope for ya.

Baby Blankenship said...

What a sweetie your Rob is...I'm sorry you are hurting...I wish there was something I could do or say, but just know we are all here for you whenever you need us. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you and what you must be dealing with...I pray for you everyday that everything will soon get better. Keep your faith honey!!

Lots of Love ~ Mandy

hope548 said...

There are some really tough decisions to make during all of this. I think the hardest part is being at a crossroads and not knowing which direction to go. Even though some decisions are tough, it's just nice to get off the fence sometimes.
Was that too many metaphors?

Chris said...

It is so hard to go along this path, especially when wishing for a crystal ball to tell you when enough is enough. Often, what is enough one day isn't enough the next. I guess you have to be prepared to bounce around in your thoughts, and that is just so hard. Try to cut yourself some slack and know, and expect, that both you and hubby will bounce around. It's ok, and expected. Good luck!

Squirt said...

This post really broke my heart. Maybe because it hits home so much. What a wonderful email from your husband. Those are some very sweet words and I hope it does bring you some comfort.

Trish said...

i've tried many times to decide what I think our breaking point is. I honestly don't know.

I said to my husband once that people have 10 miscarriages and he said "that could happen to us..." and all I could think was NO.. NO NO it couldn't, because I'd lose my mind if it got that far.
But I'm sitting at 2 and while the pain is great, I feel like the goal is to have a healthy baby..
They're going to do some tests and hopefully find SOMETHING to help us, but some tests won't be done unless we have 3 losses.. so maybe if there were a 3rd, we'd have more answers and a solution, so I can't say I'd stop at 3, either.

I do think it's part of the slippery slope of IF. First it's just a couple of pills to ovulate better and then there is no end in sight. But it's the path we're on and I don't think I'll know we're off of it until we find ourselves at the end.

The pain is very fresh & raw right now. I understand making a plan.. but that plan will always be a morphing, flowing plan that will change as circumstances change.

What I'm saying is that hopefully your one more shot is the one shot you need. But if it isn't.. cross that bridge when you get there.

I'm thinking of you.


Kym said...

Tears rolling down my face. That is so sweet of Rob, but I know how you must feel. Bryan and I are going down the same road...hopeing and praying we don't have another loss. Once this year is up we are done for a long time, and probably will try IVF before we've completely give up...but it's so sad to know that I might have to "give up". I was sad just hearing from Bryan that he is tired of trying and that right now a baby isn't a priority anymore. I know what he means, but I'm not ready to not make it a priority anymore, it's at the top of my list. But we can't loose our sight on what life is really all about, living in the moment. I'm here if you ever need to talk.

Love ya girl!