Friday, August 31, 2007

Disappointment..For Lack Of A Better Word

The retest came back normal so no APS. The smoking gun has fizzled and I am still left with unanswered questions. Disappointed. Back to square one. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs.

WHY DID THIS HAPPEN????

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????

CAN'T ANYONE TELL ME WHAT THE F**K IS GOING ON????

I've read the statistics that say 60% of women who have 2 miscarriages go on to have a healthy baby the third time around. Yes, that is the majority. But all I think when I see that statistic is a 40% chance I will lose the next baby. I guess I'm a "glass half empty" kinda gal today.

I was always an A/B student - I had a 3.4 GPA in high school and I graduated summa cum laude with a 3.91 GPA in college. A 60% is a D average - just barely over the failing line. Actually, in some schools, a D is still failing and you don't earn credit for the course. You wouldn't need a PhD to figure out how unhappy I am with those odds. I don't want to fail Fertility 101. I want to pass with flying colors. I want to be a honors student. I don't want to have to keep re-enrolling and repeating the course. It's like the more and more I study, the worse I perform. And the professor doesn't even know the problem to solve. How can I learn the material if my teacher can't even give me the answers? Too bad they're not in the back of the book, eh?

And perhaps the scariest part is that, should I have a third loss, my chance of having a successful pregnancy goes down to 40%. At that point, the odds are stacked against you. You're now in the minority and more likely to fail than not. If loss #3 should turn into loss #4, well...it's even worse. You might as well drop out or not even register for the course. Unless you really have hope you can pass or you can find someone to take the class for you.

They say that only 1-2% of women in their early twenties are infertile. So, 98% or more people my age are passing the course. Is it because they have a better teacher, one that is more personable or knowledgeable? Is it because they work harder? Or is it sheer dumb luck? Did they sleep with the professor to get a passing grade? Did they cheat somehow? I wish I knew their secret. I wish I had a tutor for infertility.

I'm just really bummed out to say the least. I was hoping for an answer - an easily fixable answer. An A-HA! And now I'm really scared. Scared that there really is nothing wrong with me or DH. Scared to accept that we just happened to hit the jackpot of suck - twice.

16 comments:

LeRoy Dissing said...

I am glad that it isn't APS for your sake. I know that means you still don't know what causes your miscarriages yet you have ruled out one thing that might of. So it appears that thru the process of elimination, they "might" find a reason although I wouldn't hold my breath either.

It might have just not been the right time for you to be pregnant when you miscarried. You are right to assume that no one may ever know. If they really don't know and can't figure out why, then I'd risk #3 and just have them monitor you closely. There are probably procedures they can do to enhance the likelihood of you carrying to term.

I have hope it will happen for you!

Katie said...

Kristen,

Oh, if I could give you a hug, I would. I had the same thing happen to me three months ago, when we thought we had found the answer, but two repeat tests showed that we hadn't. I thought with the APS testing, they had to wait six months for a second test? But that might be something else. Anyway. I hear you. With all of the statistics out there, it is really difficult to keep coming up on the wrong end of things. I am sorry you are going through this. . . for lack of a better phrase. But if it helps, I am thinking of you.

Grad3 said...

I am sorry that lab did not show what we, and I do mean we, thought it would. We all were hoping for a nice fix.

I know all about the stats and playing the odds. The only thing I can ever hang on to is what I believe and how I think my road will eventaully end. When they came up with those % you were not included. They didn't count on you. Hang in there.

Artblog said...

it's as i was saying in the email to you about genetic testing, i think its the next logical step. if they have anything left to test on they should. most likely there was an anomaly in the fetus that your body detected and self aborted. Harsh, but thats mother nature. I've spoken to the best geneticists in Europe and your chances of it happening again are, in my opinion, 50/50. So its up to you to take that chance again, as I'm doing, or not.

Good luck with whatever you decide and just know that since its not APS, thats actually a good thing for a future, healthy pregnancy.

Take care

Carlynn said...

I am so sorry the test didn't give you an answer. I am so sorry about your two losses. That really really sucks.

And thank you for your comment and Lean Cuisine suggestion. I think prepared meals might be the way to go at the moment. And I think your diagnosis of anxiety is spot on.

Carrie said...

It must be hard to think that they may find a reason and then not find a reason. It's a funny kind of a world when you 'want' something wrong with you and this IF is certainly a funny sort of world. I'm sorry you didn't get an answer.

I can see why you think
"If loss #3 should turn into loss #4, well...it's even worse. You might as well drop out or not even register for the course. Unless you really have hope you can pass or you can find someone to take the class for you."

Well I hope you never get there but, in my opinion, if the course is all you've ever wanted, and life would never be the same if you dropped out, if you'd be left with 'what if....' then you just have to sit it again. It might be all for nothing, but it just might be worth it.

Reproductive Jeans said...

Well crap. I say that first because I know it would have given you an ANSWER..but I agree in the overall sense that I am glad for your sake that it isnt APS...I am just thinking of you, and please know that I have been thinking of you....

chicklet said...

Gawd, I'm sorry they didn't give you an answer and are leaving you with fear still. While something wrong would suck, at least you'd know what you were up against. I'm so sorry you're still wondering:-(

Road Blocks and Rollercoasters said...

Age can be such a deceptive factor when dealing with IF. I'm in my 20s and never thought I'd be dealing with this, and yet, here I am. The worst is that doctors and people in general don't seem to take you as seriously since you're young. I feel your pain that. Statistics suck, especially if you're in that 1-2%, which it seems I consistently am. :(

Sending you hugs and hoping you get your answer soon!

Kami said...

I am so sorry. This is a scary time. You just don't know what will work for you until something does. I hope you find an answer - that you CAN have a healthy baby - soon. No matter what, know that you can survive. Anyone who can get through 2 miscarriages can find a way to keep breathing.

Kym said...

I'm glad that you are fine, but I'm sorry that you don't have your answer sweetie. (((hugs))) You know you might want to check with your RE and see if you can still do heparin(lovenox) injects with your next pregnancy as a precaution. Hasn't seemed to help me yet, but it could just be bad timing. Keep us posted as they find things or offer explantion.

Love ya!

Elizabeth said...

I can so relate to your metaphor of academics...very eloquent. Very frustrating not to have any clear answers or direction. It really sucks, and it's not fair that you should have to go through all this. I'm so sorry.

Jen said...

I'm sorry your smoking gun fizzled. I am glad you don't have the issue, but I'm sorry you don't have your reason. I hope you are in the 60% the next time around and you get your sticky bean.

I love this post, though. The education comparison - very nice writing.

my first initial is i... said...

what a double edged sword. i'm so glad you are fine, but i'm so sorry you have no answers. i really am.

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