Monday, August 13, 2007

When The Lights Go Down

With the weather in the high 90's - even reaching 103 last week - it was inevitable that we'd get some thunderstorms. DH and I were about to make dinner when the lights in our apartment began to flicker and sputter out in more of a whimper than a bang. I called BGE who told me the power would be on "before midnight". Needless to say, DH and I were not thrilled with the idea of being without power for 6 hours or more. We went to grab a bite to eat and came back to find our apartment still dark and powerless.

We scattered about with a flashlight to find candles and votives to light. It was amazing how many we found that were given as Christmas or wedding gifts that we had never opened. At the time, we probably joked about how useless, cliche, etc. the present was. Now, we had to admit that "hey, maybe so-and-so knew what they were doing" when they decided on Yankee Candle.

With no distractions like TV or computers, DH and I were left with just one thing to do - talk to each other. REALLY talk to each other amongst the candlelight that smelled of scents like vanilla, clean linen and peppermint. I used this opportunity to ask him about TTC. I asked him if he still wanted a baby. He did. I asked him if he felt he needed a break or if he wanted to keep trying. He said he wanted to keep trying. I told him I needed his input and I need his 200% support to go forward. I can't do it on my own. And he assured me that I would NEVER be alone in this. I asked him if he would resent me if I was physically unable to give him a biological child. He said no, that he could never resent me. As obvious as all these questions and answers seem, it was a load off of me. The questions needed to be asked and needed answers. I felt like we gained closure that night.

We even began talking about the prospect of international adoption. I know it is a bit early to consider this since we haven't been on this journey all that long compared to many others in the infertility community. But, I think we both agree that we can't emotionally handle too many more losses. I can't imagine going through this again and again. DH and I came up with a number. F-I-V-E. 5. If we hit this number, Heaven forbid, our TTC journey will come to an end and we will begin looking into - and financially preparing for - adoption.

While 5 losses seems so far away and unreachable, it is a scary thought. So finite. To think that it will all be over if we have 3 more losses. Three strikes. This includes any chemicals or failed IVF cycles, should we go that route. It scares me to think that it could all be over eventually. And yet, in all honesty, it is a relief.

Reading up about country requirements, dossier and homestudy gave me the chills. It excited me. Not that the process seems easy by any means. Probably one of the hardest things a person can do, if you are even approved. My mind boggled from just reading about what you have to go through. But the thought of actually holding a baby in my arms enraptured me. It just seemed so much more attainable than ART.

I always felt like I would do anything to have a biological child. And I am willing to go pretty damn far. But I have to recognize my limits and my husband's limits. I will not risk my sanity, my credit or my marriage to keep trying for a dream that may or may not happen. It is not pregnancy that I seek; it is a baby. I would love to experience pregnancy in all its glory - to feel the baby grow and kick inside of me, to find out if it is a boy or a girl, to see my body change in miraculous ways. I would love to experience birth, even though it is terrifying to me - to see and touch and smell the baby that we created out of love and years of struggle. But, the end result is a child to love. And I am beginning to see pregnancy as an added bonus rather than the final destination.

I guess I am just a planner at heart. While I am not ready to give up on TTC yet (by far), I need to have a Plan B. I need to know that we can choose other avenues to expand our family, should we need to.

I still pray that we will have a baby with mommy's lips and daddy's eyes. But I am beginning to mourn the loss of that child before it is even created. The fantasies I used to daydream about are now faded, like an old photograph. I have come to truly realize with this second loss that, while it hurts me tremendously to say type this, a biological child just might not be in the cards for us. Maybe we are meant for other things in life. And I am trying to prepare for that harsh reality.

13 comments:

Reproductive Jeans said...

Hmmm, I have to think that the power going out was for a very good reason=) We go for walks (when its not 103!!) and that gives us time between gasping for air to really talk=) Sounds like you all will support each other 200%...
Plans are my thing too--cant live without them. Just keep looking at each day as a new plan--makes it a bit easier for me.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I argee with reproductive jeans-seems like the power outage was a twist of fate!

Somewhat Ordinary said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Somewhat Ordinary said...

Sorry that was me that deleted. I got an error midway through posting, but then the post came up twice. Sorry!

ET said...

Count me among those who say the power outage was a twist of fate. I'm so happy you two were able to talk and come to common ground.

You are always in my prayers!

SaraS-P said...

I hope you get to be parents, no matter how it comes about.

M said...

((HUGS)) I totally understand that mourning with each loss. Even before the triplets I felt that way. I so hope you get your sticky one soon, but am glad to hear that other options excite you too...that is a huge step.

Mrs. B said...

Thank you for your very sweet and aupporting comment. It is so hard not to lose hope but it is sometimes easier with such a great support group like I have found in "blogland". It is really great that your DH is so supportive, mine is ready to quit. It's just not as important to him as it is to me. Oh well, enough pity party for one day. Thanks again and I look forward to following your journey from now on!

Baby Blankenship said...

I'm thinking of you always honey...I'm glad the 2 of you finally had the chance to sit down without the noises of everyday life and just have the thoughts of each other to consume you. You are already a great mother...Hang in there!!! Lots of love and prayers headed your way!!!

XOXO

Frank N. Beans said...

Great post. Sometimes things left unsaid need to be given the opportunity to come out. We will be thinking of you as you continue on your journey.

Geohde said...

I find one of the biggest losses about IF is that the assumption that we will be able to have our own biological children someday is taken away. There are no guarantees any more.

Hang in there.

Drowned Girl said...

I think these decisions are made sometimes in incremental steps.. and sometimes by a slow creep.

Sometimes my mind mulls something over in my subconscious, and then suddenly I realise I have let go of something I was clinging to. It's so liberating.

It sounds like the quiet time you and DH had to discuss together was a really useful thing for you both.

Drowned Girl said...

Although this is about DE, rather than adoption, it's a lovely about the process of grieving and moving on.

http://www.4therapy.com/consumer/life_topics/item.php?seeresults=1&uniqueid=5902&categoryid=495&