Monday, July 23, 2007

Forget Me Not

Well, I'm back from the weekend wedding. The weather was absolutely perfect for an outdoor affair. As we stood up at the bow of the boat and watched the happy couple exchange vows, I couldn't help but look across at DH, who was looking back at me with googly eyes. It felt as if we were reaffirming our love for one another after everything that has happened. And, of course, the tears were falling.

Believe it or not, I actually had a good time overall. I thought I'd have trouble being around children but - surprisingly - I didn't. I was able to hold and play with my niece and nephew without feeling grief-stricken. A part of me was is still aching for a child of my own but I was determined to have a good time and enjoy my company.

That is until the inevitable questions were asked:

So, I hear you're expecting?!

When are you having kids?

Is there a bun in the oven yet?

I know people are simply trying to spark conversation but I just didn't know how to respond. When a gentleman prompted me with the first question, I sort of froze and said "Not anymore". I may have come across as bitchy but I just didn't know the "right" thing to say. FIL spoke up for me after he noticed my reaction and said, "Someday soon". I just get tired of saying "soon". I feel like I'm hopeful but I know there are no guarantees that we will conceive again. And considering it took us 15 months to concieve our Snowflake, I'm not thinking it will happen again so "soon". Not only that but I just didn't want to talk about it. And being forced to explain myself just made me concentrate on the very thing I was trying to avoid for the night. I went to the bar and got myself a cosmo (okay, two cosmos), which helped mask the pain for a little while.

DH asked me to dance and I did. We took our steam out on the dancefloor. And man, did it feel good. That dancefloor was begging for it and boy, did we give it to her.

For a split second, I almost forgot about the preceeding week and just got lost in DH's eyes and the comfort of his embrace. I wish that moment could last forever. No stress, no frustration - just us being us.

Flash forward to Sunday: I wake up to pee and I look in the toilet and my urine is darker than usual - think the color of tea. I thought maybe it was something I ate or drank at the wedding and didn't give it a second thought. An hour later, I went back to the bathroom and this time, it was bright red - think Kool-aid. Definitely not coming from the va-jay-jay. Great. Hasn't my body been through enough? WTF is wrong with me? Can't my body do ANYTHING right? I'm guessing it is a bad UTI that maybe spread to my kidneys since I've had an achy lower back. I go back to the RE tomorrow morning for a urinalysis and then I have a phone consult with her in the afternoon to talk about where we go from here.

I'm afraid to say that my spotting is gone for fear it might come back. Crap, I just ruined it...


Jen said...

I'm glad you had a good time at your wedding! I had a similar experience with my million-question-asking neighbor that ended in biotchyness, so don't feel bad.

Sticky Bun said...

I'm so sorry about the questions--particularly the first one. It must have been so hard, with the wounds still so raw.

I'm glad you were able to enjoy yourselves and find some comfort in each other, though.

thinking of you...