These Are The Days Of Our Lives

Like the sand through the hourglass...this is what happened to me today.

I went to my RE's office this morning for my urinalysis, as I had scheduled. When I walked in, I signed in and sat down for just a minute or two before they called me back. Wow, that was fast, I thought. I go back to the nurses' station where they ask me"what I'm doing there". Huh? I told them I had visible blood in my urine and needed a test done because I think that I have a kidney infection. My RE appears out of nowhere with a stern look on her face and says, "have you seen the OB yet?" I told her that I made an appointment several weeks ago but that they made me wait for 2 hours and I left because I had to go to work. I never got a chance to reschedule. She then went off on me. And I mean WENT OFF. "YOU REALLY NEED TO SEE THE OB! YOU CAN'T KEEP COMING HERE FOR THINGS LIKE THIS. WE'LL DO THE URINALYSIS THIS TIME BUT FROM NOW ON, YOU ARE GOING TO NEED TO SEE YOUR OB!"

I just stood there, frozen in my tracks. I felt as if I were in a dream where people are talking but I can't really hear them because my emotions are so much louder. I honestly can't recall what else she said yelled to me because I was in a haze.

This office was my safe haven. They were supposed to help me in my time of need and give me the chance to move on. They were supposed to pick me up when I had fallen. And now, I felt so unwelcome in my greatest time of need.

I finally got a word in edgewise and said, "even if I miscarry, I need to see a new OB?"

The RE's eyes bugged out of her head, reminiscent of Jim Carrey in The Mask. "You miscarried? I didn't know that. It wasn't in your chart."

I just lost it. I balled my eyes out like a baby. I had done so well talking about my miscarriage but this unexpected confrontation pushed me over the edge. I felt as if I had lost trust for them. How could they not have known? I not only called the office when I began bleeding to tell them I was driving to the ER, but I called to schedule the phone consult for our "next steps" after our miscarriage. Why the f**k else would I have wanted to talk to the RE about our next cycle? GRRRRRRRRRRRR! I was hurt and angry and sad and everything all at once.

Of course, after that, the RE comes over and hugs and consoles me. As do the nurses. She profusely apologized and I was polite but inside I wondered if I should see another RE from now on. I have loved this office from the beginning. The hours are convenient and aside from this incident, I have never had a lick of trouble. Is this enough to warrant a change? I'm not so sure. I think going somewhere else would be more trouble than its worth.

So, I stayed and had a beta done in addition to my lovely clean catch into a pee cup. Then, I called DH to tell him the situation and just release some of my frustration. How could they treat me that way? Even if was 14w pregnant and was going there instead of my OB, would they tell me I don't belong and not to come back? DH seemed to be very upset and wanted me never to go back. But, I told him that I was probably just overly emotional from having to explain everything all over again and since this is the first problem we've had, it is worth giving them a second chance.

At 1pm, I had my phone consult with the RE for our future protocol. Here is the lowdown:

HCG is 16. Looks like my body was able to do something right, although it wasn't the "right" thing for me. I go back in 2 weeks for another beta to make sure it is back to zero.

Urinalysis has been sent off to another lab to cultivate the bacteria but I'm back on Bactrim (nice slogan there, huh?) for the next 7 days. Fun times.

I will call the office when I get my next AF. At that point, we will schedule an HSG for CD7-12 to check for any uterine abnormalities. I will also have blood drawn to check for blood clotting issues (lupus anticoagulant and something antibodies) that have been known to cause recurrent miscarriage. She is not doing a complete RPL panel because she doesn't feel it is necessary at this point. I would have to agree, as much as I'd like to do it all now. If I have a third miscarriage (HEAVEN FORBID) then we will move forward with the complete RPL panel.

If everything comes back okay and I do not need a lap, we will go back on 100mg Clomid + trigger for the following cycle. I responded well to it the first time so I figure, why not go at it again.

So, I figure if I get AF in mid to late August and we do the HSG in late August/early September, it is looking like we won't actually have a TTC cycle until October. That seems so far away right now. I HATE waiting to get back into the game but if we are going to get some answers or rule things out in the meantime, then I am happy. What choice do I have anyway?

I have always been an overachiever at everything I do. In college, I graduated in the top 5% of my class - summa cum laude with a 3.91 GPA. In my career, I've always gotten promoted or have been praised for a job well done. In my life, I've been told I am a great friend and a good person with a good heart (I try). But in my battle war with infertility, I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. I'm flunking Fertility 101, a course I thought I'd pass with flying colors (hah). I'm getting fired from my dream job of being a mom (and I'm ineligible for unemployment - what a bitch). It's a bit hard for me to accept that I can't study or work hard enough to become a parent. It is something left completely to chance, fate or whatever - even with medical assistance. And because I am wandering in the unknown, I am fearful and impatient. I just want to know that good things will happen in the end. I just want to know that my prize behind door number three is going to be worth it.

DH is cooking for me tonight after my trying day. We're having cornish hens. They smell delicious. Sometimes I miss the simple life.