Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Empty Arms, Empty Heart

First of all, I would like to thank all of you who left such beautiful, loving comments to me about our loss. You have no idea how much it means to me to have your support. Even though I've been here before, it feels so much harder this time around. Maybe because I was told the first time was a "fluke". Now, there appears to be more to the story.

I am sorry if I ramble from here forward. My thoughts are so jumbled right now but I need to let them out and I might not make any sense. I apologize in advance.

I feel a profound sense of emptiness as I sit here and type this. Literally, I feel empty. I am no longer pregnant. My breasts have gone back to their normal size and I can now see the waistline that had once expanded. As the days go on, it is as if my snowflake never even existed. What I have left is an ultrasound picture, my pregnancy tests, and the painful memories of the 11.5 weeks I spent with her. (I have believed this whole time that our baby was a girl so I have decided that "she" and "her" are now appropriate). I immediately made DH pack away all of our baby toys and baby and maternity clothes so I wouldn't have to look at them. I'm just not ready to go there right yet.

Yesterday was the most difficult day so far (although today is a close second). I decided to go to work against my better judgment and I quickly realized I should have stayed home. Not only did I have to put on a happy face and pretend as though nothing was wrong. But I had to run to the bathroom every 20-30 minutes to change my pad. That's right - I was soaking through an overnight pad in half-hour increments. I passed so many blood clots the size of fists that I was beginning to feel dizzy and hot, not to mention the severe cramping that felt like uterine contractions. We went back to the ER after I counted 10 pad changes. However, as we sat for 2 hours in the waiting area, the bleeding reduced drastically and I told DH I just wanted to go home. I haven't had much bleeding since. Today, it has been more like a light period. I guess the worst of it is now over. Physically, that is. The emotional aftermath is unpredictable. Some days are going to be better than others and I'm trying to prepare for that.

As I passed those gigantic clots, I couldn't help but think "this is what is left of my baby". With each plop into the toilet, I felt less and less pregnant until it subsided. I then knew that there was nothing left to pass. My baby was gone.

They say there are 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, despair, bargaining and acceptance. Right now, I think I am between denial and despair. On my way to work, I drive past my mom's work and I still find myself saying, "Hi, Grandmom!" like I used to when the baby was here. It just feels comforting and I'm not ready to let that go yet. I've let lots of other things go but there are still some habits that won't die as hard. I feel so sad that this has happened yet again and I feel so helpless. I was so close to the second trimester and I didn't expect this. It caught me completely off guard. I just want to sit and cry it out all day long. How long is this going to last? Am I ready to jump back into the TTC boat or should I take a break for a while?

With all of the thoughts I have running through my head, I have a new plan. I am going to meet with my RE in 2 weeks to discuss our next plan of action, but I have an idea of what we should do. I plan to ask for blood testing for clotting disorders. I have read about both inherited and acquired thrombophilia and I believe this could be a cause for my recurrent losses. It is possible that a clotting disorder could restrict blood flow to the embryo, causing it to die. Especially since a heartbeat was detected before my loss. I refuse to believe that both losses were due to chromosomal defects, although I guess anything is possible. If anyone has any other information on these clotting disorders, please fill me in. I'd love to hear about your experiences.

So, if my RE agrees, DH and I are going to wait to see how long it takes to get my next AF and do the clotting b/w in the meantime to rule out or confirm any mutations. We will try that cycle again with 100mg Clomid + trigger. If we are unsuccessful, we are going to put TTC on hold for a few months. There is a cruise leaving out of Baltimore in November and DH and I would like to go. I don't want to book the cruise now and get pregnant again in the meantime because the tickets are nonrefundable. And the last thing I want is another miscarriage in a foreign country. I figure that a BFN would be permission to go abroad after what we've had to endure recently. A BFP would be enough of a gift to stay home and take care of myself.

It is hard for me to look at DH in the face now. I love him and need him more than ever but I just want to explode in tears everytime I see him. He is so heartbroken and I feel so badly that my body has let him down again and that I can't make him a father. Snowflake was due days before his 29th birthday and now, we will not have our beautiful baby for that day. Don't get me wrong. I still have hope that we will have a baby one day. I don't know how or why this hope exists at the moment but perhaps it is foolish optimism. It is just so damn hard. DH has made comments that he doesn't believe God exists anymore. It pains me to hear that but I understand why he feels that way and that it is normal. I think he is more in the anger phase of his grief. I just try to be there for him as he is for me, which proves difficult but he needs me now too and I can't let him down. I have to support him despite how I feel inside about myself.

I just want to go back to normal. Today, I saw two children in the street playing and I wished I was younger again. I wished I could go back to the times when I was so carefree and didn't have to deal with this infinite sadness. My heart is so heavy right now and I know in time I will heal. It is just impossible for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

UPDATE: My mom just informed me that my aunt had a miscarriage on July 9 - 17 years ago. How freaky is that...?


Amy R said...

Kristen, again I'm so sorry for your and your husbands loss. I hope you guys take good care of each other this weekend and pamper yourself a bit. Many hugs to you.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

Kristen, there really isn't much I can say that will take the pain you're feeling away. I want you to know that I'm thinking of you though.

Dianne/Flutter said...

I am so sorry. You and your husband are in my prayers.

Elin said...

I am a lurker here and i am so so sorry for youra and your husbands loss. Please take gentle care of you, with love and prayers Elin x

Baby Blankenship said...

You've been on my mind...just want you to know that!!! Sending many many hugs your way!!!

Love you!!!

I Kreative said...

Just read your article, when I was searching for pictures. Though your wrote the article long time back, I understand what you have through. The picture on your post made me cry. I am sorry for your loss. Many hugs and wishes. Good luck and Take care.