Monday, July 09, 2007

Saying Goodbye is Never an Easy Thing

We lost the baby today at 11.5 weeks. I think I am still somewhat shocked at the news. I really honestly believed this would be "it" but I guess I shouldn't have been so naive to believe that it was that easy. Can you believe I actually bought maternity clothes this weekend? I think it totally jinxed me.

I woke up this morning and went pee as usual but when I wiped, I noticed a pink spot. So, I did what any woman suffering from infertility and past lost would do - I shoved my finger up inside my vajayjay. When I pulled it out, it was covered in red. Not brown but bright red. I already knew what was happening but tried to stay calm. I called out sick from work (they still don't know about the pregnancy) and called DH to take me to the ER.

After a pretty short wait, we did some bloodwork and went for the ultrasound. Sure enough, there was no fetal heartbeat.

A part of me wants to say that I knew all along this wouldn't last but the other part really believed I was going to make it. I was THIS close to the second trimester. I just don't understand. We SAW a heartbeat at 6.5 weeks. And now, nothing. And my HCG is dropping too. Why can't my body sustain a pregnancy? What is wrong with me? I am 24 and should be at the peak of my fertility. Instead, I am thrust back into the world of temping and AF and ovulation sticks and BD scheduling and Clomid. It just seems too overwhelming for me right now.

I am taking my time to grieve and will be back as soon as I can. DH is taking it harder than me I think, which makes it worse on me in turn. I just don't know what to do. I have no plan at the moment and I'm once again terrified that we will never have a child of our own.

Goodbye, my sweet angel. You were too beautiful for earth, so fly, fly amongst the others. You will be safe and sound with angel #1 to keep watch after you. We will never forget the time we shared with you - they were the happiest days of our lives. We will see you when we reach the gates of heaven.

Love, "Mommy and Daddy"

28 comments:

Natalie said...

OMG Kristen..... I am just crying for you guys, I am so, so sorry.....

Sticky Bun said...

Kristen, I am so, so, so sorry. I popped over here and am in shock--I can only imagine how you are feeling.

I wish there was something I could say...I am just so, so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and you are in my thoughts.

Leah said...

I'm terribly, terribly sorry. I will send giant amounts of prayers and thoughts your way.

Chris said...

You don't know me, but I am so, so, so terribly sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers and my heart just goes out to you.

Erin said...

I am so so sorry about this. You're so strong to be there for your husband...I can't even imagine.

Chili said...

I'm so very very sorry. :(

Baby Blankenship said...

Honey :( OMG...I am so sorry! Words cannot express the hurt and sadness that have just come over me after reading this...Hang in there girl...both of your little angels are up there watching over you and they know how much you both love them. My brother is up there with them and he will keep good care of them until you see them again. You and Rob are in my thoughts and prayers Always!!!

Lots of Love!!!

Waiting Amy said...

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I know it must be so difficult. Hold one another tightly and hang in there.

(I've not commented before but checked in on your blog.)

Mands said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Truly.

M said...

I am so sorry to read this....I was shocked as I didn't even expect it. Know that I am thinking about you sweetie.

Coffeegrl said...

There just aren't adequate words for something like this. I'm just so very sorry.

serenity said...

Came from Natalie's blog. I am so sorry for your loss.

My thoughts are with you and your husband.

*hug*

Marie-Baguette said...

I am so sorry for your loss

ET said...

I am so sad and sorry about your loss, Kristen. I just don't understand... You will be in my thoughts and prayers for healing and peace.

Take care of yourself.

Love, emily

Reproductive Jeans said...

Kristen, I am new to your blog, but I extend my sympathy as a cyster...I am so sorry for your loss. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers...

Kate said...

I am so sorry. I will be praying for you.

Kym said...

I'm so sorry Kristen! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband.

megan said...

i'm so, so sorry...

Trish said...

I'm so terribly sorry. You didn't jinx yourself. there was NOTHING you could have done. You loved your baby.. which is all that could be asked.
Again, I'm so very sorry.

r_is_moody said...

Kristen, I am so very sorry. It is just not right that you have go through this all again.

Bumble said...

I just found you via Sticky Bun. Kristen, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Its so unfair. I'm thinking about you and your hubby. x

jen said...

I came by way of Natalie's blog too and my heart aches for you. I know there are no words to offer - only quiet sympathy. You are in my heart.

jen

Amy R said...

Kristen, I am so sorry this had to happen to you. I'm thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

Kristen,

You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers, I'm so deeply sorry for your loss. Just know that there are a lot of people out there thinking about you in this great time of sorrow.

Sincerely,

Sam (Mandy's Sister)

Somewhat Ordinary said...

Kristen, I am so sorry! My stomach dropped when I read the first line and my heart is breaking for you and your husband. You guys are in my thoughts.

Southern Comfortable said...

Oh, Kristen, I am so very sorry. I am just catching up with everything that's been happening with you, and my heart is breaking for you. May your little angel rest in peace. You and your husband are in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss...you will be blessed one day though!!!

s day said...

I am so sorry. I just lost my first at 8 weeks and I can't imagine what you are going through. I am praying for you and we understand that you need time to heal.
I really don't know what to say other than I am sorry and please--please--pray because God WILL comfort you. Even if you are pissed off at him right now, understandibly I was too. Just scream---
Sorry.