The Worst 2ww

I am 10 days away from my first glimpses of Baby Chumley. Every month after I would O, I used to think "this two week wait is worse than ever." I have news for you: THIS two week wait really is the WORST.

It is so hard when you are pregnant and yet, you can't feel or see anything. How do you know everything is okay? I can somewhat rely on my betas but even then, I go online and do the dangerous game of comparing them to other moms. Inevitably, I feel as if my numbers are too low or aren't doubling fast enough. "53 hours is much less than her 30 hours - oh no!" I have had absolutely no spotting and my cramping has been a little better lately so those are the only things that really give me hope that our bean is snug as a bug in a rug. I've also had loads of watery, creamy CM so I'd like to think my mucous plug is forming.

But, my mind wanders to August 2005, when we miscarried. As different as things seem to be this time, I can't forget the look on the nurse's face when she didn't see a baby during the ultrasound. Or the sympathy in the doctor's voice a few days later as he called me to tell me my numbers were declining. The pain of that memory still lives on and haunts me with this pregnancy.

I just wish I could fast forward to June 4th, when we can see our little bean and maybe see the heartbeat for the first time. I know that as soon as I see our baby and its tiny flicker of life, it will put my mind at ease. In the meantime, my next beta has been moved to Tuesday morning. Crap. I was hoping for some good holiday news so we could celebrate. Please, God, let our baby grow and become healthier and stronger each day. And, if it isn't too much to ask, save me from myself before I go insane.