Monday, May 21, 2007

Imposter

At 17dpo, my HCG level is 453. That makes for a doubling time of 53.43 hours, which I assume is great since it should be between 48 and 72 hours. My progesterone is 26.6, which again I read was great since it should be between 9 and 47. Note: please correct me if I'm wrong.

With every piece of good news, I feel a bit better about sharing the news. But I still feel so nervous. I don't have many symptoms so it is hard to comfort myself with the idea that I am growing a life inside me at the moment. It seems so unreal - for lack of a better word. I mean, people have congratulated me and hugged me and we've talked about it but yet, I feel as if I'm living through someone else. If that makes any sense. Do amazing things like this happen to people like me?

I feel like such an imposter to the infertility community. Here I have been complaining ad nauseum about my "fertility problems" when all it took was 2 months of Clomid and a trigger shot. There are so many women out there, women whom I adore and respect, who have had to endure much worse. I feel as though I no longer have the right to be a part of their lives and give advice and comfort. Silly, perhaps, but I really feel like a phony "infertile". It took us over the textbook 12 months but is 15 months REALLY that long? It felt long to me but now it feels as though it was all so worth it. I would do it again if it meant I could experience a love this profound.

I'm afraid to go on my buddy groups and post because I don't want to hurt people's feelings who have been trying for longer or just as long without success. I feel pretty lonely actually. As if I don't belong. I haven't joined any pregnancy BGs yet because I want to hear a heartbeat first. I've made so many friends on the infertility boards and now I feel like we can't talk the way we used to. I have to tip-toe around and watch what I say, where before, I could spout and vent at the top of my lungs (or keyboard, LOL).

You ladies are what keep me going. I don't know if I could ever let go of the community of support we've developed. I just hope you don't find me to be a fake. I hope I will always hold a membership card to the world of Infertility - but I pray it will be an alumni card.

6 comments:

The Town Criers said...

Definitely an alumni card. It's terrible to lose support. And congratulations! The stats sound great :-)

ET said...

amen, amen, AMEN. I could have typed this exact post when I got my BFP.

However, we miss you on the buddy group. I did the same thing you did... i retreated, worried that everyone would HATE to hear from me. But, it's a very supportive group and we're all wondering how you are doing.

i know EXACTLY how you are feeling. and it's all so normal.

Congrats on your bean...i'm still praying for sticky vibes!!

mwbarker said...

We miss you TERRIBLY on the BG and I was starting to wonder if everything was ok with you and HOPING that you were just crazy busy. I understand how you feel about posting AND about being wary of the pg board...but I have NO DOUBT that the other ladies that are still trying would HATE to see you go!!! YOU would never been insensitive to their feelings and always have been and will be their number one supporter (and don't forget your "strongarm" responsibilities!!) ;-)

Congrats again, I am thinking of you and missing you!

Natalie said...

I know that when I was going through my first couple of treatments with clomid I was thinking the same thing... "If I got pregnant now, am I really infertile?" I say yes. Don't clam up now. You definitely are a card-carrying alumni. ;)

Kym said...

Kristen - We'll love you know matter what and want updates on how your little bean is doing. We want to support you through the whole process and with you being being pg after a long road you give us hope that it can happen for us. We hope you don't leave us. I did feel that way too, but you guys have been so supportive I've stayed away from the pg boards...and since I've lost the baby I'm glad I stayed with you guys...and I will continue especially once I get pg again, it is such a great group!

Kym
82' girls

moll said...

I understand how you feel but you HAVE to come back to the BG. We all miss you too much! And those who don't lurk on this site might be worried. Please don't even think about being an imposter! You could never be.
I have been where you are but I think it gives those still suffering through infertility hope. :)