Sunday, May 20, 2007

Could It Be...? Part II

Hi, my name is Kristen and I am a POAS are more tests from 13-15dpo. I just couldn't call the RE until I knew for sure that this was real. After 3 positives, I decided it was time for the beta. 178 at 14dpo. Really good number. I go back tomorrow AM for more b/w to make sure my HCG levels are doubling appropriately. I have been praying everyday to bless my bean and send me doubling vibes. I've even had DH kiss my belly to coax the baby into sticking around. Hey, whatever works - I'm desperate.

I've had to pinch myself on numerous occasions just to see if this is a dream. I feel like at any moment, someone is going to step in and rip me from this land of happiness. This is what I have waited for for 15 months and I just can't seem to shake the anxiety long enough to be truly excited. I am in a constant state of panic, wondering when the bleeding is going to start. I feel wetness and I automatically think the worst and rush to the bathroom, only to discover the same creamy/watery mixture that has been present for close to 3 weeks now.

My mother has pretty much spread the news throughout the family now so that adds to my anxiety. Our close friends also know, since I had to avoid alcohol and watch what I eat all weekend at the wedding. I feel as though telling people will jinx me. As silly as that sounds. I'm just too nervous to believe I am really and truly pregnant.

And maybe it is because I have only 2 symptoms to note: cramping and gas. Not severe, but just a dull pain in my uterus here and there. And the gas...well, all I can say is...poor DH. My boobs have fleeting pain but nothing to write home about. I haven't felt nauseous, haven't had any food cravings or aversions. I haven't been overly tired, although I am sleepy now because of our long wedding weekend. I have felt (*knock on wood*) pretty good.

Maybe I will feel better once we find out tomorrow's numbers. Or maybe it won't be until we hear a heartbeat or see a gestational sac. When does the anxiety fade and give way to happiness and elation? Because I wish I could fast forward to that time.


Holly said...

It's real hun. YOU ARE PREGNANT!!! I can't wait to see you. I pray for you daily and your little bean. Please let me know how your bloodwork turns out. So excited for our lunch date this weekend. Love you!

Natalie said...

That's a great number!!! Can't wait to hear what the next one is. I'm sure it'll be a great number too.

I totally understand the fear. And unfortunately I've heard from others who have gone through infertility who said that the fear never goes away. We become so aquainted with all the things that COULD go wrong.... and sometimes ignorance really is bliss. :/