Bittersweet Symphony

Friday night was a blast, seeing my friend Jen from FF. I met her at the Wharf Rat downtown and she introduced me to her Mary Kay group. It is always nice to put a face with a name after a year of chatting and sharing our IF experiences. It was her first time to Baltimore, which is a HUGE change from the rolling hills of NC. I only wish we had more time together.

It was a great weekend, spending quality time with family. SIL came over with the kids on Saturday and we all visited the Baltimore Aquarium. It was so much fun, strolling around the Inner Harbor. I was the only one who had ever been there so it was nice to take everyone someplace new. They were amazed by all of the wildlife and we decided that our next family day trip has to be the Maryland Zoo. We also went over to FIL's for his birthday (on the 4th) so I spent the entire weekend around children. Bittersweet to say the least.

I love them with all my heart but a part of me wishes I had my own baby to ooh and ahh over. My niece, Savannah, is getting older and is now 10 months old. She is showing her personality and can imitate people's actions, play pattycake, laugh, shriek, etc. It warms my heart but makes my infertility seem all the more depressing. Whenever I hold her, I think about how we could have a baby this same age as well. I wish I never had to let her go. Better yet, I wish I never had to say goodbye to our baby bean. No matter how hard I try, I just can't forget it. I wonder when I will finally be able to move forward and end the grieving process. It has almost been 2 years since our miscarriage and I am still dealing with the residual emotions. Will it ever end or does it just get a little better over time until you are numb? Over the past 2 years, I have certainly gotten better about it. I no longer cry everyday or clutch my hospital bracelet but that doesn't mean I don't feel the loss. I have a hole in my heart and I will feel it everyday until we are blessed with a baby of our own.

I try not to let the loss define my life because I am very thankful for the life that I lead. I have a very supportive and loving husband, who works hard to put food on the table and afford the lifestyle to which we are accustomed. I have a new job on the way that is something I've always dreamed of - working for an easygoing boss and being more than an "assistant". We are in the process of buying our first home, which will give us a pride of ownership we have never experienced. I have a nice Jeep and nice clothes on my back. I have wonderful friends and family members who are there for me regardless of the circumstances. For this, I am beyond grateful. But having a child means so much more to me than material possessions. I would gladly trade in some of my luxuries just for the chance to be a mother. If only it were that easy, I know many other women who would do the same.

I still have not ovulated and it is CD30. Is this some kind of April Fool's joke or what? I have 5 more days until the "deadline" and I can call my RE for Provera, or something to force AF to appear. I am off of work for Good Friday this week, which happens to be the "deadline" so it works out should I have to go to the fertility center. I realized my chances for a 2007 baby are officially over. Sad thought but I'm hoping I'll at least have a BFP waiting for me in 2007.