Monday, February 19, 2007

Always Something There to Remind Me

My life is beginning to sound like the song. So much for Oing on time. I had a temp drop yesterday with a rebound today. The spikes and dips are beginning to make me feel dizzy. I've had 6 days of EWCM, so much at times that it leaks out (sorry, TMI), but no sustained rise. Ugh, come on already! What are you waiting for, little eggie?!

On the job front, I applied to another position as a proposal writer for a government contractor that DH's best friend works for. He is making sure my resume goes to the right person, and said that I will most likely get an interview out of the deal. I know this position would pay well so I am hoping it works out. I don't have proposal writing experience but I have written marketing proposals and the requirements said prior experience a plus - not a must. I am definitely qualified to do the job and if they gave me the chance, I know I could learn quickly. I am pretty much willing to do anything at this point, including changing my whole career aspiration. I have been so disappointed with the way my post-Bachelor's career has gone and I am trying to dig myself out of a hole.

I was talking to my mom on Saturday night and she seems to think that DH and I are trying to "do it all" - buy a house, have a baby, have careers, etc. I am willing to put my career on hold while we have small children but once they are in grade school, I plan to go back to school for an MBA and rebuild my career. I don't plan to be a SAHM forever. I feel like I can always rebuild my career but I can't just wait to have children or I could be in an even worse predicament than I am now. The women that put their career first and try for children later almost always suffer from infertility because their eggs are older and not as viable. I'm already suffering now so if I wait, things can only get more hopeless. What is wrong with wanting a home and a baby? Is that not possible in my day and age? When did it become so difficult to balance family and work? If DH is the sole breadwinner, what is wrong with us trying to buy a home and raise a baby? I don't see what is so wrong with our plan. Is it not the traditional upbringing that my parents had growing up? It is almost like women are punished for wanting both careers and children. They are forced to choose and no matter the choice, you suffer in some way or another. I have already made my choice and would gladly give up the career but since I can't seem to fall pregnant, am I making the wrong decision? I can't help but wonder.

My ticker has finally hit the TTC for 12 months mark. It is difficult to stomach that we are now officially "infertile". This drawn out cycle is only prolonging when I can start my Clomid so naturally, I am not pleased. I just want to move on and it seems like I have all of these hurdles in my way, knocking me down everytime I try to go forward. So frustrating.

Not to mention that a friend on FF had a miscarriage this weekend at 5-6 weeks. That is about where I was when we lost our baby. My heart cries whenever I hear that someone has to go through that pain and grief. I have tried to forget about it but I hear about it so much now that I am always reminded of what it was like.


Natalie said...

Who had a miscarriage, anyone I know?

I'm sorry you've reached the 12 month mark. *sigh* And that your cycle is dragging out. :(

Good luck with the job searching! I agree that sometimes women are criticised for their choice... no matter the choice it seems people disagree with it. I don't think it's so wrong to want a home and children and a job.

Kristen said...

She was on my East Coast buddy group so I don't think you knew her. She is really sweet and fairly new to FF - only trying since November '06.

I don't think it is so bad either to "want it all". As long as you have a plan B in case things don't work out the way you plan, and you're not leeching off of others, I think it is good to strive for things and see what you can do. DH and I have always been motivated and determined people so maybe it is just in our nature.