Sunday, October 08, 2006

Thoughts from an Insomniac

Well, its 2am and I can't seem to fall asleep for the life of me. I have a feeling of exhaustion but I can't seem to reach the threshold where I drift away into dreamland. So, instead, I am meagerly enjoying the World Series of Poker and hoping for sleep to overcome me.

I had an eventful day overall. I saw three old friends I hadn't seen in about 5-6 years. It was nice to see some old faces. As people grow older, they change as a natural part of life. While we may not enjoy the same things or have the same goals, we have a history that cannot be ignored. The love I had for these girls from back in middle and high school still seeped out of me when I saw their friendly faces again. I had a great time, albeit short-lived.

While everyone else went to party afterward, I had to say my goodbyes prematurely. Since we're TTC, and now in the 2ww, I didn't want to spend the night in a smoke-ridden bar and be the only sober person present. I always feel a little strange telling people why I can't drink: "oh, my husband and I are trying to have a baby so I can't drink". It seems a bit surreal. No one has been rude or confrontational about it so I don't know why I feel strangely at all. I guess its just because I'm the only one in my group of friends that thinks about my body in such a way. I'm the only one that cares about secondhand smoke or fetal alcohol poisoning. I'm the only one that knows the only acceptable pain reliever during pregnancy is Tylenol, or that our monthly cycles have four stages of cervical mucus.

Other women my age are more concerned about finding a man that will stick around or praying that their birth control didn't fail them. Some aren't even sure what they want to do with their lives. I feel ahead of my time - I have the man of my dreams and I know what I find important in my life. Its just hard sometimes and I feel like an outcast when I go on about our TTC experiences.

I'm so thankful to have found Fertility Friend and its message boards. My cycle buddies have been so supportive in all of my endeavors. While I may not know these girls intimately, we have a bond because we are all working toward a common goal: we all want to be mothers. Its refreshing to have other people to turn to when it gets to be frustrating or lonesome, even if it only exists online.

Today, my backache has finally subsided a bit. I've had it since before I ovulated. My only symptoms today were gassiness and a twinge in my uterus when I bent over to pick up some clothes. I got a pretty bad headache tonight after the party but I think that was because of not eating enough today. Anyway, I'm sure I'll be scrutinizing every little symptom from here on out until my 2ww is over.

Well, I'm off to watch more poker.

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