Monday, March 31, 2008

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

*P-word and worrywart alert*

This weekend was going so well. I was in a blissful state, even admiring baby items in BRU on Saturday. Building a registry. A registry for a real live baby! I was feeling confident and strong, more so than I had in my entire pregnancy.

Until yesterday.

My 21-year old cousin is currently attending Villa Julie College for her Psych degree and has been dying to see some family. She had also come down with a nasty case of vasculitis a week ago so my aunt wanted to check on her and make sure she was okay. So, my mom, aunt, 4-year old cousin and I decided to pay her a visit. It would be a girl's day out - aside from the preschooler in tow. We checked out her dorm - which brought back some college memories and made me feel OLD - and grabbed some lunch. After our extreme noshing, we headed to the mall to do some shopping and walking and just to chat. Well, the preschooler was acting up and running around as 4-year old boys tend to do. And wouldn't you know that in the middle of the handbag section - BAM! He ran head first into the right side of my belly.

I felt as if my whole body was a balloon that had been deflated. All of my security slipped away from me and I was THISCLOSE to being in tears. All I could think of was "is my baby okay?". I wasn't in tremendous pain and I think the shock of what happened was more intense than the action itself. I tried to continue shopping but my nerves were so on edge that I couldn't concentrate on anything else. So, my mom, the designated driver, had to take everyone home early. Call me the Party Pooper.

Everyone was understanding and my aunt apologized for his behavior. And truth be told, I wasn't really angry with him. Yes, I guess she should have been disciplining him and stopping him from running in the store. But at 4 years old, I understand that he doesn't have the capacity to grasp how gentle you have to be with a paranoid, subfertile pregnant lady. I was just angry at the situation. I was so happy for a few days. So incredibly happy. I was starting to come out of the fog and believe in this. And now, I am back to my old, cynical, delusional self. All I can think of is placental abruption or that the impact hurt my baby somehow. I am so angry that I can't be allowed to live in peace but fear for the remainder of this pregnancy. And I am so tired of it. I don't want to become agoraphobic but I feel this need to protect myself and my son from the outside world. I want to lock myself away from everyone for the next 4 months. I feel doomed. I try to let go but I am always dragged back into the reality that is IF and loss.

I have not had any cramping or spotting and my abdomen is not tender to the touch. He kicked me a few times after dinner last night, right on time for his evening routine. And I am trying to reason with myself that he is surrounded by shock-absorbent amniotic fluid and is well protected from incidents like this. But these things are actually of little comfort. And I don't know why. Why can't I just shake this?

Sometimes, I wish I didn't know what I know. I wish I didn't know the dark side. Then I wouldn't have to be so afraid.

I just want a healthy baby boy to arrive in August. Or July. Sometime this summer - I don't care when. I just hope that isn't too much to ask.

18 comments:

Baby Steps to Baby Shoes said...

That is not too much to ask and I owould have been just as worried in your shoes. Praying that all is fine with your little boy.

Meghan said...

Not too much to ask at all.

I know what you mean about being super protective. We were out in Vegas last week and with all the drunk out of control people there, I wanted to put myself in a bubble. It was the first time I allowed myself to put my hands over my belly when I walked...in my pathetic attempt to shield it from people.

Hoping your little man is just fine. And if you're still worried, I'd call the doc, that's what they're there for

Janna said...

Definitely not too much to ask!

I'm praying your little man is okay in there. I'd call the doc if you notice anything different. Or shoot, I'd call the doc anyway with the hopes of getting another peek at him. ;o)

alison said...

That isn't too much to ask. I would have been worried as well, considering all that you've been up against. Saying lots of prayers for you and your little bean.

I have a quick stor to share with you, I hope it doesn't come across as assvice-ish, that's not how I intend it. When I was a sophomore in high school, there was a senior girl in my Spanish class who was very pregnant. If I remember correctly, this was at the end of the year (so early May) and she had the baby the week after graduation, so she was well into her third trimester. Anyway, I, being a clumsy 16-year-old, came strolling into Spanish class one day and tripped on a chair, sending me stumbling into the table that this girl was sitting at. Which sent the table flying into her expanded belly. There was a few moments of holy-crap-did-that-really-just happen followed by me escorting her straight to the school nurse (no one else was in the room at the time, though looking back I don't know what good I was doing). The nurse thought it was ok, but took her in for a quick checkup just to be sure. Of course you know by now the baby was born and all was well. But now that I'm a tad brighter and more aware I realize the gravity of that situation.

My point is, I hope that your blissful state of pregnancy returns soon, and you can exhale just a little bit more soon. I don't want to minimize your situation at all, just let you know that I've been there, done that, though the tables were turned. Hugs!

Kim said...

I am sorry that you, of any of us girls, have to endure these feelings. It is so hard to be pregnant when you have come face to face with infertility and loss. I wish I could have just had a pregnancy where I could just relax and enjoy it. I was so tense and stressed and some days would break down in tears from worry. I do not have the courage to even attempt pregnancy again, I don't think that my heart can take it. Although I have been blessed three wonderful boys, I also have had seven losses. And even after kids, you never forget. You life has been forever changed. You are part of a wonderful group of women.

LJ said...

Yeah, I'd be pretty spooked - but that little one of yours is all snuggled in and can deal with a lot of jostling. *big hug*

Mel said...

Stressful!
Seems like there is always something to worry about. Damn infertility and all that comes with it.
You are in my thoughts, I hope you can find some peace again.
*hugs*

Fertilized said...

I am late on the comment - i hope that you are doing alittle better! Thinking of you

Rachel said...

It is perfectly reasonable to be scared. If you are still worried, give your doctor a call and have them check you out. I am sure that your little boy is fine though.

Geohde said...

Heck, my hubby hit my belly with his butt (yes, butt), when bending over to put on shoes, and THAT worried me. I'm sure all is well, but it's natural to worry,

H

Hilary (The Trying Game) said...

Wow I could have written this post!

I had a similar experience a few weeks back when I was shopping and some lady backed into my stomach HARD with her shopping basket. I panicked and freaked out, exactly like you. I had to run home immediately and doppler my kid to make sure all was OK.

I know you know this already, but it would take a lot more than a charging kid to do any damage. I have a distant relative who was actually hit by a bus when she was preggers and the baby was fine.

Put your feet up, use the Doppler and try to relax (I know, easier said than done). And if you're still worried, call your doctor - I'm sure you will be reassured. Besides, if the kid is kicking, you know all is just fine.

You and I are cut from the same cloth :)

Freyja said...

I can relate to your concern. I hope everything's ok in there!

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

I understand why you would be spooked by that--it would scare the crap out of me. Hang in there--I know that its hard and that some days will be worse than others, but I truly believe that the summer will bring you many wonderful things, including your beautiful baby boy. HUGS!

Barb said...

Hugs. :(

Bake Me A Cake! said...

I love your blog! Great posts. Thank you for sharing! Best Wishes To You...

Grad3 said...

It's hard to trust the good after going through what you have. Keep trying- you'll get there!

Joy said...

Awww!!! Baby is okay! He's surrounded in tissue, fluid, etc. that keeps him nice and safe.

I had an almost-2-year old when I was preggo and she would literally JUMP ONTO MY TUMMY when I was laying down and it hurt like the dickens. But my baby was born full term and healthy!

Waiting Amy said...

I know you were scared, but that things are fine. I think the more upsetting thing for us is that we get so easily upset. It's exhausting. And unfair. And disappointing.

But there WILL be moments of joy. For you deserve that.