Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Baking Sourdough and Other Thoughts

Dear Antibiotics,

I just wanted to say stank you smelly much for the lovely yeast infection that you've given me. It is just what I needed as I begin to recover from the other infection in my chest. I have to hand it to you because you are one hell of a multi-tasker. But if it isn't too much to ask, can you please focus on removing the mucus from my lungs rather than moving on to my innocent vajayjay?



I'd love to say I'm on the mend but I now have a new battle to contend with. I am itchy and red down there (but no strange odor) and have the infamous cottage cheese discharge. Except it's a little more lotion-like than chunky but you get my drift. It's not fun. Thankfully, Monistat 7 is one of the "safe" drugs on my OB list so I've been able to get a little relief while I finish out the rest of my antibiotics. But it is taking everything in me not to scratch myself while I'm hidden in my corner cubicle. No one would notice, right?

When it came time to insert the cream with the applicator, I suddenly felt like a virgin. It's been too long since I've had to push anything up there so it felt like new territory. I found myself questioning how far I should actually go, the angle I should tilt, etc. For a moment on the bathroom floor, I became 14 years old again. Taking the belly out of the equation, of course.


Extensive p-word talk below

Tomorrow is the Level II ultrasound and I am quite nervous. I just want to hear that everything is okay. That our little man is perfectly healthy, with all organs present and accounted for. With each day that I feel Sunshine, I become more and more attached. Not only to the baby himself but to the future and to all the hopes and dreams I have for transitioning from mother-to-be to mother. I have more to lose with every moment that passes and it terrifies me.

I have decided to boycott Dr. Google. My fears have now graduated from miscarriage to incompetent cervix, stillbirth, placental abruption and cord accidents. Morbid, I know. Why is it so hard to believe that I can be on the good side of statistics for once? I don't want to spend all my time worrying - which is what I've done for nearly half of this pregnancy - but my instinct is still self-preservation. I do deeply enjoy moments and milestones but I'm still waiting for someone to pinch me and tell me that the universe was just kidding. Seriously. I'm not that special. Am I? What makes me so lucky when so many of my comrades are still waiting or still suffering? Could this baby really be for someone else and there was a mistake? I have a hard time accepting the great things in my life but no problem accepting the bad. I'm used to being beaten down - not being told that I'm "fine" or "normal". So, I have to work on letting go of this hold IF has on me. I want to believe that this has a great chance of succeeding. Really believe it rather than trying to merely convince myself.

Once the baby is born, I'm sure the worry isn't going to fade. It will transition again from the topics above to SIDS, choking, getting hit by a car, etc. Motherhood seems to be a state of perpetual worry.


Last night, my fears were eased for a moment when I felt the first BIG kick. On the lower right side of my uterus. No mistaking it. I was just laying on the sofa, propped up against a pillow on the computer. It didn't hurt but it took me by surprise because it was so strong. I've felt the taps and flutters. The feeling like when you get butterflies from driving fast down a steep hill - but lower in the tummy. This was totally different and I knew immediately what it was. It made me so proud. My little boy is growing stronger. He has a long way to go but he is showing me that he can make it.

I must have faith. I may not trust my body but I trust my baby. And everytime he kicks me, I know he is telling me it is going to be okay.


Kim said...

Okay, that was completely hilarious. I hear putting yogurt on your vajayjay works... but no personal experience there. I've only had one and would prefer to never have one again.

I'm so glad that you've been able to experience some 'kicks'... it's amazing how much that can ease your mind. Unless you're me and wonder if the baby is kicking so much because they ran out of fluid or something equally crazy and are trying to fight their way out. But my being insane probably explains that.

Katie said...

That was a wonderful post. I could really visualize the lotiony discharge.

And not to correct Kim, but you don't actually put the yogurt on location, but rather eat it. It helps with live cultures to restore the natural flora and fauna to the body. But it has to say active cultures on the container.

I am so glad (and jealous) that you can feel kicks. I can't wait for that reassurance. You and Sunshine are in my thoughts and prayers for tomorrow!

Fertilized said...

YAH !!! I am so glad that you felt a kick. It is one of hte greatest things thus far for me.

I understand the "not trusting" our bodies.

I am praying for us all!! Good luck tomorrow

Chris said...

I'm full of hope and faith for you! I hope you feel better soon!

The Fried Chicken Yacht Club said...

Oh, the worrying! There is an old German saying, "Little children; little worries. Big children; big worries!"
Just try to imagine him driving.
That is what worked for me with my son. I swear I was the worst worrier EVER. Everything else seemed small...
Oh, by the way. How did my son learn to drive? The French way. His father put him in the driver's seat, got onto I95 and said "Get in the left lane. New York City is that way and I am late for work." His grandfather drove race cars.
I learned of this after the fact Thank God.

The Fried Chicken Yacht Club said...

Rinse with a small amount of Avena Oatmeal bath. It is miraculous and will stop the itching.

Elizabeth said...

Look at you, just about halfway there!!!

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

Praying for you and thinking lots of positive thoughts for you! :) HUGS!

Freyja said...

Sorry about the YI. Yuck! Good luck on the Level II u/s tomorrow! Congrats on the BIG kick - what a milestone!

P.S. I have a new blog URL.

Hilary (The Trying Game) said...
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Hilary (The Trying Game) said...
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Hilary (The Trying Game) said...

Sorry, clearly having internet troubles here...

This post speaks to me more than you could know.

I am having a anxiety-filled pregnancy and find something new to be worried about every day. Here's hoping that your big ultrasound gives you the confidence you need for the last half of your pregnancy. Good luck!!

(I am right behind you having the big u/s done next Tuesday)

Meghan said...

Boo for the infection but a great big YEAH for the first kick! How exciting. And yeah, any time I worry about something, people tell me to get used to it, my worries will just change but always be there for the next 20 years or so

Janna said...

I'm so sorry about the yeast infection. I've never had one, but I've heard they're terrible. Hoping it goes away quickly!!

Praying the scan goes well!!!

YAY for big kicks!!! That's so awesome!!!

MoonNStarMommy said...

Whooooohooooooooo on the first kick!!! Serious WHOOOOOHOOOO!!!

I totally know how you feel ... I do nothing but worry - I try not to focus on it, give into it... or talk about it much.. but it's there.. never goes away ... {{HUGS}}

Sticky Bun said...

Hooray for the first big kick! I hope you feel lots and lots more in the days and months to come.

And, I hope the u/s went well! Keep us posted!

Seven_Shades_of_Red said...

Girl, you are HILARIOUS!!! I personally don't use tampons so I feel like a virgin any time I have to use one (for like going swimming or something). What a crack up!

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