Biting The Bullet

*P-word mentioned*

After trying to squeeze into my size 6-8 jeans one too many times - many of which I can no longer even zip up to be modest - I finally decided to bite the bullet and get some maternity clothes. I've been using my Bella Band everyday and while it is a great invention, it isn't the magic answer to everything. I have a bit of junk in my trunk so the Band tends to ride up, which annoys the crap out of me. I am constantly trying to pull it down to cover my back end. Now, I can sit down without worrying about fabric bunching up my back. I can also prevent the dig marks left by the no-longer-useful buttons and zippers. Score! I actually had some fun trying them on, once I got past the inital fear of stepping inside of the place.

This was a big step for me, since I bought some summer maternity clothes back when I was pregnant with Snowflake. And well, we know how that turned out just two days later. I had to go home and use the doppler right away to ease my paranoia and all was well, thankfully.

Some of you have asked how I've been feeling lately so I'll try to give a reasonably brief account. The nausea has definitely lifted for the most part. I am still terribly constipated. We're talking once, maybe twice, a week here. But I have increased my fruit and fiber intake and it seems to be helping with the "ease" of going. And the fatigue is still kicking my butt. My bedtime is about 930pm and if I stay up later, I really feel it the next morning. But, all in all, I can't complain. Things seem to be going so smoothly that it doesn't really feel real.

I think I create my own drama sometimes. For example, yesterday morning I opened a pack of Pop-tarts and bit into one of them. It was stale, but I swallowed the piece, drank lots of water and threw the rest away. Then, I worried that eating that tiny bit of stale food would kill the baby. A bit melodramatic but I overanalyze every piddly thing I do. DH says this isn't good for me or Sunshine and deep down I know this but I can't help it. The worry is instinctual and although I try to minimize it, it doesn't go away just because I will it to.

I have developed a bit of a s**t-for-brains mentality when it comes to work. I can't focus to save my life. And while I think my job performance has not suffered as of yet, I believe it is inevitable. I think part of the problem is the fatigue and distractability. But I am also incredibly overwhelmed at work. We have gotten MANY new clients with MANY media needs. We have several salespeople on board who are doing their jobs well and bringing in the business. But yet I am the only media person. So, things are getting bottlenecked when they come to me. I set deadlines for myself and most of the time, I meet them. But there are times I haven't been able to come through. I am a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to my work and so this is troublesome for me. Yet, I don't have the energy to fight it. I just tell myself to do what I can do and leave the rest for the next day. I can't commit to working overtime at this point because my brain is mush past 3pm.

They are trying to hire another media buyer but they aren't having much luck. I'm worried that I'll be working myself crazy up until my maternity leave. And I haven't even had "The Talk" about what my maternity leave will even entail. It's a small company so I may not even be paid for my leave but DH and I can probably cover 8-12 weeks on his salary alone. I'm not sure at what point I'll feel comfortable discussing this issue - maybe after we find out the sex around 18-20w. Once I hit another milestone, maybe more paranoia will fade and I can broach that topic. Right now, it seems a little premature.

At this point, I am thinking I want to return to work at least part-time. If I can work from home twice a week, I would consider going back full-time and balancing my days off with DH and my mom. This may be wishful thinking but my work is pretty flexible with schedules and very supportive of working mothers so I may be able to negotiate this. Again, this will have to come at a later date. Not sure when but it won't be right now.


Today is DH's 29th birthday and we are going out for an evening of dinner and shopping (for him, for once). I have been so out of sorts that I haven't even gotten a card. I am such a bad wife. But I intend to run out on my lunch break and fix that right away. He has been so wonderful with picking up the slack around the house and in dealing with my every whim and mood. He deserves to have a great day and I want to show him how much I care and appreciate what he has done for me. For us.

Tomorrow is our 2nd OB appointment. I am hoping for another glimpse at our Sunshine but I'm afraid they will only use the doppler. I am excited nonetheless. Every appointment we make is one step closer to the prize at the end of the rainbow.