Friday, January 25, 2008

Bittersweet

Today is a bittersweet day. Today marks the EDD of my long-lost Snowflake.

While I must admit that my current state of p-wordedness makes this anniversary a good bit easier than if I were not, and while I am certainly eternally grateful for said p-wordedness, I am still tinged with sadness for the baby who couldn't make it. I still wonder how things could've been.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that this baby does not replace the ones I have lost. Being the p-word does not make you forget. Granted, it makes things seem more hopeful for the future. And it has stunted the grieving process by forcing me to accept my loss and move on. But the past remains the past. That pain is still there and at times, still raw. I still shed tears last night at midnight as I thought about the fateful day I had to give up my hopes and dreams for the child whom I would never meet.

So, today I commemorate my baby up in heaven. I know she is in good hands. But I miss her.

I like to think that my angels sent me this baby. An early birthday gift to their Mommy. And that makes my Sunshine so much more special and sentimental to me than ever.

11 comments:

Meghan said...

I'll keep your little snow-flake in my thoughts tonight. Sending you lots of hugs too

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you and Rob and praying for peace today.

megan said...

bittersweet indeed.
i was in a similar situation earlier this month.
thinking of you. take good care.

Leah said...

Thinking of you and Snowflake today.

I just explained this very sentiment to a co-worker yesterday. She asked if we had names for the baby, and I explained that we have no problem coming up with girl names, but always struggle with boy names. Eventually, I ended up explaining that "if all my children had lived, I'd have 2 of each right now." The gravity of that hit me, and made me so very sad.

But I'm with you... the ones I lost are up in heaven looking out for their brother and sister. Just as Snowflake is looking out for Sunshine.

Sorry we'll miss you tomorrow at LJ's house. I'd love to give you a big hug and congratulate you in person. :-)

Shelby said...

I am thinking of your little snowflake. It must be a hard day for you and your husband, regardless of your current p-wordness. Sending lots of hugs!!

Freyja said...

Hugs and best wishes.

Katie said...

I know exactly what you mean - having another baby will never fill the holes, though it might dampen the pain a bit. One does not replace the other.

Thinking of you and your sweet angel on this sad day.

Natalie said...

Yes indeed, bittersweet.

I didn't really understand until I got pregnant.... if I lost this child, even if I got pregnant again, it would never be THIS child. It would always leave a terrible hole in my heart.

Hugs.

Sunny said...

Huge hugs. I am glad you took time to remember your snowflake. She will never be forgotten.

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

Thinking of you and snowflake today.

HUGS.

Trish said...

rest in peace little angel.

Regardless of the success you are now enjoying, I'm terribly sorry for your loss.