10dpo and the 10-Minute Sprint

I want to apologize for my lack of commenting lately. Things have been crazy busy at work and my lunch breaks, during which I used to check up on all of my lovely sisters, have become nonexistent. I barely have time to take a piss anymore let alone get on my blog and read and write. And I've had a lot of cooking and cleaning (fun - let me tell you!) to do since DH got some side work as a consultant. The extra money will be great but it also means I have the sole responsibility of keeping the apartment tidy and clutter-free. I have no idea how 1200 ft. of living space becomes a federal disaster area within a matter of a week but it does. And that, my dears, is the exciting adventure that has become my life recently.

I must also admit that my blogroll is starting to become overwhelming. I have so many fabulous writers on my list that it takes 2-3 hours to go through and read everyone's posts. I am lucky if I have time to do this on a weekly basis. I'm certainly not complaining. I am a fan of so many people that I just don't know what to do. Where do you draw the line with your reading and commenting? Lost and Found has really helped me to catch up on the latest news but I still feel like I'm missing so much. My main concern is that I don't want anyone to feel left out or that I am not reading anymore. I definitely have not forgotten or abandoned anyone. It just may take me some time to catch up with all of you. I'm sorry for that and I promise I will do my best to be a better friend.
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I'm now on 10dpo and I haven't quite deciphered how I feel about this cycle. One day, my boobs hurt or I feel off and I'm like, "YES, I.THINK.THIS.IS.IT!!!". And then other days, like today, I feel absolutely nothing and that the boobs, or whatever Symptoms of the Day were on the menu, were just a figment of my imagination. I refuse to test until Monday, when my cycle buddy, Katie, is testing with me. I'm just not stocked up in the Hope department at the moment.

It didn't help that I had to go to the local torture chamber Babies 'R Us to pick up a gift for a shower I have to go to. I made a deal with myself - 10 minutes tops. That was my time allowance to get in, find a suitable present, and get out without losing it. It was like playing Supermarket Sweep. Everywhere I looked it was a pregnant woman or a couple with a new baby or grandparents picking up items for the new addition. I dodged salespeople and strollers as I sprinted about the store, trying my hardest not to fall in my heels or to look too closely at those surrounding me. Like how you aren't supposed to look at the sun because it could damage your eyes - looking at all those bellies and baby products damages my heart. I was thinking that I should be preparing for my shower right about now. I remember talking to my friends and saying that November 10 would be a good date because it is well before the holidays...

No time for that right now. Focus. I grabbed something off an aisle display and raced to checkout. Then, I realized I needed gift wrap. CRAP! Only 3 minutes left. I found a large bag and a pretty bow and ran back to the cashier. After a minor credit card snafu - damn magnetic strip! - I finally made it out alive. I took a breath of fresh air and got in my car.

It was then that the tears started flowing, almost startling me with their ferociousness. Why does something as simple as buying a gift for someone have to be so freaking hard? It's like anytime I leave my house, I find myself fighting back tears. I can't become a hermit - this I know. It is inevitable I'm going to see families or children or babies. When does it start to get easier? Can you ever just "get used to" it? I'm finding it is getting harder with time - not better. I feel okay when I'm with DH but alone, I just feel more invisible than ever. It takes everything in me not to walk up to those people and tell them just how lucky they are to have hit the fertility jackpot. If they don't already know.