Saturday, October 27, 2007

10dpo and the 10-Minute Sprint

I want to apologize for my lack of commenting lately. Things have been crazy busy at work and my lunch breaks, during which I used to check up on all of my lovely sisters, have become nonexistent. I barely have time to take a piss anymore let alone get on my blog and read and write. And I've had a lot of cooking and cleaning (fun - let me tell you!) to do since DH got some side work as a consultant. The extra money will be great but it also means I have the sole responsibility of keeping the apartment tidy and clutter-free. I have no idea how 1200 ft. of living space becomes a federal disaster area within a matter of a week but it does. And that, my dears, is the exciting adventure that has become my life recently.

I must also admit that my blogroll is starting to become overwhelming. I have so many fabulous writers on my list that it takes 2-3 hours to go through and read everyone's posts. I am lucky if I have time to do this on a weekly basis. I'm certainly not complaining. I am a fan of so many people that I just don't know what to do. Where do you draw the line with your reading and commenting? Lost and Found has really helped me to catch up on the latest news but I still feel like I'm missing so much. My main concern is that I don't want anyone to feel left out or that I am not reading anymore. I definitely have not forgotten or abandoned anyone. It just may take me some time to catch up with all of you. I'm sorry for that and I promise I will do my best to be a better friend.

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I'm now on 10dpo and I haven't quite deciphered how I feel about this cycle. One day, my boobs hurt or I feel off and I'm like, "YES, I.THINK.THIS.IS.IT!!!". And then other days, like today, I feel absolutely nothing and that the boobs, or whatever Symptoms of the Day were on the menu, were just a figment of my imagination. I refuse to test until Monday, when my cycle buddy, Katie, is testing with me. I'm just not stocked up in the Hope department at the moment.


It didn't help that I had to go to the local torture chamber Babies 'R Us to pick up a gift for a shower I have to go to. I made a deal with myself - 10 minutes tops. That was my time allowance to get in, find a suitable present, and get out without losing it. It was like playing Supermarket Sweep. Everywhere I looked it was a pregnant woman or a couple with a new baby or grandparents picking up items for the new addition. I dodged salespeople and strollers as I sprinted about the store, trying my hardest not to fall in my heels or to look too closely at those surrounding me. Like how you aren't supposed to look at the sun because it could damage your eyes - looking at all those bellies and baby products damages my heart. I was thinking that I should be preparing for my shower right about now. I remember talking to my friends and saying that November 10 would be a good date because it is well before the holidays...

No time for that right now. Focus. I grabbed something off an aisle display and raced to checkout. Then, I realized I needed gift wrap. CRAP! Only 3 minutes left. I found a large bag and a pretty bow and ran back to the cashier. After a minor credit card snafu - damn magnetic strip! - I finally made it out alive. I took a breath of fresh air and got in my car.

It was then that the tears started flowing, almost startling me with their ferociousness. Why does something as simple as buying a gift for someone have to be so freaking hard? It's like anytime I leave my house, I find myself fighting back tears. I can't become a hermit - this I know. It is inevitable I'm going to see families or children or babies. When does it start to get easier? Can you ever just "get used to" it? I'm finding it is getting harder with time - not better. I feel okay when I'm with DH but alone, I just feel more invisible than ever. It takes everything in me not to walk up to those people and tell them just how lucky they are to have hit the fertility jackpot. If they don't already know.

19 comments:

Kim said...

I hope that you get a moment for yourself soon (an awake moment, at that!).

I'm with ya on this cycle. I really don't think it's it. I am planning to test Monday also, even if it's just to assume that a positive is the trigger still hanging around. I'll be 10dptrigger and 8dpiui. Early, I know. But I can only hold out so long! I promise not to take a positive or a negative seriously. It's pure strategy. But for you, my dear, I am thinking a lot of good thoughts and praying that whatever this cycle brings you, you'll maintain the same strength you've had thus far.

Samantha said...

Hey Kristen,

I hope you can hang in there, even with those difficult shopping moments. I know that I go through periods where I feel more social and sometimes feel less able to deal with things. (Don't forget about the Etsy shops if you're not up to going out). I am hoping for good results for Monday's test!

Meghan said...

That's why I buy my shower/new baby presents online...no need for the store, although I loved your reference to Supermarket Sweep, what a great show that was!

Sorry you're feeling hermit-like, I think we all get that way sometimes. We just need to do what we have to in order to survive. I compare it to hibernating, I never know when I'm going to need to hunker down in order to make it through the harsh (pick your time period, baby shower, weekend, 2ww, etc)

Sorry so long...good luck testing on Monday!! I'll have the Hope for you!

Missy said...

I can definitely relate to your feelings of being a hermit. It's hard to face the world and conceal how painful it is to go through something like infertility. I hope your test on Monday will make bring good news.

Amanda said...

I will keep you in my thoughts for Monday! Happy thoughts!

Yeah, some days it's hard to go to work. Other days I feel I have to get out, to "escape". Either way, it's hard. And there just doesn't seem to be any reason to it. I hope it gets easier for you.

I'm still waiting for a need-a-baby-gift-but-don't-want-to-see-babies-or-pregnant-women store.

<3

Geohde said...

I hate that tail end of the tww with an absolute passion. All hope always leaves me. Sigh.

I'm sorry about your babies r us experience. It's very confronting to do what you did, I give you full credit for even going in the shop,

J

LeRoy Dissing said...

Kristen ~

I know the feeling about never having enough time to do everything that needs to be done. So do what you can and to hell with the rest! If it wasn't important enough to get done in the time you maintained consciouness, it probably wasn't all that important that it can't wait for another day/time. There is only so much one can do in one's lifetime. So no need to apologize for not posting or reading as much as you might like to. I am turning into just a weekend blogger myself.

My degree of empathizing at the baby store is hampered since I have never had the experiences you are going through. Yet, I do have some dim understanding. I think my wife would have made me buy the gift for the shower.

Keep the faith!

Chris said...

You have certainly been a busy gal, and one way to look at it is that I'm sure it has sped up your 2WW, which since you are now this far it to it is going to somehow slow down to an unbearable pace. Just hang in there, no amount of worry or obsession will help.

I've been a horrible blogger lately too, I guess we can only do the best we can at any given moment and I'm sure everyone understands.

alison said...

I'm hoping hoping hoping that this is the cycle for you!! Take care of yourself, and don't stress about getting to everyone's blogs in the same day. Blogging, I think, is supposed to be stress-relieving to the writer and the reader; so no sense stressing about it. :) Hang in there! I'm hoping and praying for a sticky for you.

Ms. Infertile said...

I am hoping for the best for you on Monday.
You are a brave woman to enter that store. I would never have been able to. I don't know when it gets easier to be around pregnant women and babies. I hope it does though sometime, because I don't know how I could live my life avoiding things like I do now.

Elizabeth said...

Feeling both so sad and so hopeful for you!

lady in waiting said...

I am with you on the obsessing. It's really a mind-f. Just four more days and you'll have a better idea. I thinking about you and wishing you the best.

Oh and regarding the baby gift stuff - send something from amazon if that's possible. So much better to go through the agony in the privacy of your own home than be there in person with all the kids and babies and pregnant bellies and all the cute baby stuff. Ugh. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry!

Tash said...

Don't know about you reading other blogs, but I'm going to be hitting refresh on yours by the minute this week! Damn girl, I can't even do ONLINE shopping. Just thinking about baby stuff makes me vomit. If anyone's getting anything from me this year, it's a gift card, done via amazon or at my local grocery. (too early to refresh yet?)

Katie said...

Oops, I guess I jumped the gun. But don't worry, no BFP for me yet. I am waiting to have one together tomorrow!

Yodasmistress said...

We understand!

((((HUGS))))

infertility just sucks said...

I'm 10 dpo today and I started spotting...I was able to hold it together until I had to say the words out loud to my husband and I lost it. Ugly crying, all the way.

Sometimes I am floored with how affected I am. I seem to be ok when I keep quiet about IF but the moment I say things out loud, I lose it.

So if it's baby shower shopping that does it to you, then I understand.

I have a solution for you though. I bought several copies of "Time for Bed" by Mem Fox - a really pretty bedtime book about animals with beautiful illustrations, and everyone I know who has a baby gets this book as their gift from me.

It's not fluffy or brightly colored and won't be the star of any shower but it's a nice book that is quite sweet and every mother I've ever given it too adores it. It's perfectly appropriate.

And if you buy up a couple copies at a time you'll never find yourself in a ten-minute contest at Babies R Us again. ;)

Barb said...

I understand. I'm riding the depression train again myself. I find too that it's worse when our hormones are not our friends. sigh.

As for your busy life.. completely understandable dear. No worries. I tend to try to limit my blog roll. I don't want to get too overwhelmed. So you're nicer than I am! :D

Jenna said...

Oh hun, I don't envy you at 11dpo today and yet I've been yo so many times. The contant barage of "this is it" and then 'no, no it's not" and then "well maybe, why not me?"

ugh. Good grief.

I wish you well. I'm so hoping this is the last leg of this race for you

Grad3 said...

You know, even being where I am I still think the same thing about pregnant people and people with babies. It's carzy strange. Saying a little prayer for you tonight!