Friday, September 28, 2007

Happy Blogoversary to Me

One year ago today, I made the decision to start writing a blog. I didn't quite know at the time what I was going to write about. I had just gotten married 3 months before and we had been actively TTC for only about 7 months. We had accepted our loss from the year before and we were moving on. It evolved from a personal journal about my daily life as a married woman and the monotony of temping and charting into a confessional about my descent into infertility. My thoughts and feelings just naturally poured out of me. And eventually (with BIG thanks to Mel) I was able to meet others like me. Women who had experienced pregnancy loss. Women who were dealing with infertility. While we all had different diagnoses or experiences, we were all connected by our desire for motherhood. I gained new perspective about a variety of issues. I And best of all, I've gained a whole new support system I never thought possible. I am part of a community that I feel tremendously passionate about. I never would have pictured that my need to write about my life would snowball into this. And while I wish I wasn't still here dealing with infertility (with another miscarriage to add to the list), I am fortunate to not walk the road alone.

To celebrate my blogoversary, I decided to go back and read my blog - from the beginning. I couldn't believe I wrote some of that stuff. I was so innocent and full of hope and optimism. So sickeningly sweet at times that I scoffed. I wasn't naive but I truly believed it would happen for us, regardless of the ups and downs. I slowly read forward through panic attacks, ovarian cysts, our first RE visit, testing, my ovulatory dysfunction diagnosis, Clomid, injections, pregnancy and loss. I saw my descent into the depths of infertility with each post. I can barely recognize the girl who started this blog. I see bits and pieces of her but mostly she has faded, becoming more bitter as time goes on. I am trying to get some of her back. I don't want to completely go back to being her because I have grown over the past year and overall, I am happy with who I am now. A work in progress, I admit, but I still like me. I do, however, wish I had more of her carefree nature laying around. I miss how I felt when TTC was fun and exciting - when it meant lots 'o sex and neverending possibilities. Now when I read those early chapters of my IF-dom, I think BARF. O dust? Give me a break. I didn't realize how cynical I've become.

Of course, I would like to believe I've become more interesting and clever as a result of my descent. But that's up for debate. *wink*

I'd like to toast to all of my fellow infertiles. May our journeys soon reach their desired destinations.

33 comments:

Baby Steps to Baby Shoes said...

Happy Blogoversary to you!! Thank you for all the support you give to others and for letting us "share" in your life.

dmarie said...

Happy Blogoversary to you!

Melissa said...

Happy Blogoversary!! I seriously had no idea this world even EXISTED until I had to dive in to my own infertility and now I am so thankful for the amazing women who have the courage to share their highest highs and lowest lows with others enduring the same fate. The highest optimism cannot help but fade with time from this seemingly endless journey, but sometimes you have to reach in there and let that wide eyed girl out and remember that being hopeful is the only thing that keeps us going. It hurts and it sucks, but ultimately it's not in our hands and we have to evolve ourselves to keep from drowning in the sadness.

Here's a toast to YOU for being a strong, fertility challenged woman who deserves happiness and joy in her life. Everything happens for a reason, only time exposes us to why.

JJ said...

Cheers! A BIG toast to you!

Samantha said...

Happy blogaversary! It is amazing how a year of IF can change a person. I'm glad that you can see some bright sides to having to go through such a journey.

Also, let us know what's going on with your husband. Hope everything's okay on that front.

Meghan said...

Happy Blogoversary!! Hope you're getting yourself a cake or something;)

Taina said...

Happy Blogoversary!

I think you should know that we adore you and value you as a member of our community!

And like you, I have grown cynical over the months, ahem, years, as well!

Frank N. Beans said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Frank N. Beans said...

Oops! Spelling error. Happy Blogoversary! IMHO, not a descent, but an evolution.

Shelli said...

Happy Blogoversary!

I just celebrated mine last month, and can relate to what you wrote about. It's been a loooong year, a rollercoaster for me which hasn't yet soared to the top. But we are all in this together, and isn't nice to have people to share with along the way?

Cheers!

Kathy said...

Happy Birthday to you!!! That is such a big deal really. The journey of infertility is one that sometimes has no end but it does seem to have a bitter serum that gets stronger and stronger as you go down the road. You are not alone in having altered your optimism over time. But it really is true that writing a blog can make such a big difference. I'll toast to you today! :-)

sharah said...

Happy Blogoversary to you! A year goes by fast in the TTC world, doesn't it? Wishing you a better upcoming year, and some more carefree days ahead!

Foreverhopeful said...

Happy Bloversary to you. I have been feeling the same way as you. I've been reflecting back a lot and do not recongize myself at times either. I once was so hopeful and so positive and full of energy. IF has drained me, made me a negative and pessimist person who feels so hopeless at times. I want to find that person I was once too. I agree those this community is great...!

Diana said...

Happy Blogoversary to you. My wish for you is that in one year from today you are writing about your blogoversary while you are holding a newborn in your arms.

I read my whole blog a couple months ago and also felt very sad and how much had changed. I do agree that I have also grown and am constanlty amazed at the wonderful women (and a couple men) I have met along the way that I would never have met otherwise.

M said...

Happy Blogoversary!!! I am so glad to have found your blog, but I am sorry too that you have had to endure some of that journey. So not fair.

I hope the next year brings something that you can't wait to go back and read about.

said...

Happy Blogoversay! I'm so glad I've found your blog!

Wordgirl said...

Happy Blogoversary -- I feel truly lucky to have such wonderful people on this same road paved with both cynicism and hope -- it's that combination that makes it so familliar to us all.

Pam

Elizabeth said...

Kristen, it's wonderful to have "met" you although sad that it was through this common difficulty. I wish you all the best in your second year of blogging.

Road Blocks and Rollercoasters said...

Happy Blogoversary!!! I just wanted to let you know that I am so grateful for all of the support you've given me since I started my blog. You're an awesome chick who so deserves to arrive at her destination already! Change is a good thing and in a way bitterness is a good thing too. It is a real emotion that is attached to all of the other emotions we drag around with us as infertiles. If we can't recognize and embrace that bitterness every once in a while then we are just fooling ourselves. Optimism is great, but it's not realistic when you're in the trenches.

So don't worry...I think you've done just fine, bitterness and all. You're one of the most sincere people I've met as of late and I wish you the absolute best! :)
HUGS!

megan said...

happy blogoversary to you!! i hope this year's journey far easier...

Kim said...

Happy Blogoversary to you! I haven't been blogging long at all and I still wonder how I could have written some stuff. Thank you for sharing your life with us though, I have learned so much from you.

Katie said...

Happy Blogoversary! Your post made me cry (actually, still teary), because I feel so much the same way. I am such a different person now than I was almost two years ago when this all began. I wouldn't want to go back to the person that I was then, but I sure miss that innocence and optimism.
Thank you for your blog and for sharing you journey. It's easy to travel a rough road when you know you are not alone.

Sunny said...

Happy B Day!!!

lub said...

Toast to you too! I am with you in being incredibly thankful for the blogosphere. :)

niobe said...

A lot can change in a year. You're very brave to go back and read your old posts. I don't think I could bear to look at mine.

Happy B day! May this next year bring only good things.

Geohde said...

Happy blogoversary :)

I understand what you mean about reading old posts. Man mine were dorky. Hell, I was laboring under the delusion that sex might do the trick fer-cryingoutloud!

J

Ms. Infertile said...

Happy blogoversary! Thanks for the support you give to others. I hope that you reach your destination on this journey soon.

Tash said...

Happy Blogoversary, Bean! Having just tippy toed in, I'm wondering how long I'll last. You're good inspiration. As are the blogs and bulletin boards I've been involved in for, um, 5 years now. (Dating myself, much?) It is a lovely community, isn't it. Best!

Chris said...

Happy Blogoversary to you! Congrats too on your growth over the past year. And yes, I do enjoy reading what you have to say. I hope this next year gives you all of the blessings that you so deserve.

chicklet said...

Happy blogoversary:-)

LeRoy Dissing said...

Congrats Kristen on your 1 year blog anniversay. The journey has begun and as others have said so well, I am glad you are sharing it with us - even though I am not infertile (I can qualify that later!). Hope you don't mind that I am tagging along for the ride.

Barb said...

Happy Blogoversary! I second MUCH of what you said.

How is the DH? Any news on the job?

jess said...

Happy Blogoversary! I'm a little late, but that's okay!