Happy Blogoversary to Me

One year ago today, I made the decision to start writing a blog. I didn't quite know at the time what I was going to write about. I had just gotten married 3 months before and we had been actively TTC for only about 7 months. We had accepted our loss from the year before and we were moving on. It evolved from a personal journal about my daily life as a married woman and the monotony of temping and charting into a confessional about my descent into infertility. My thoughts and feelings just naturally poured out of me. And eventually (with BIG thanks to Mel) I was able to meet others like me. Women who had experienced pregnancy loss. Women who were dealing with infertility. While we all had different diagnoses or experiences, we were all connected by our desire for motherhood. I gained new perspective about a variety of issues. I And best of all, I've gained a whole new support system I never thought possible. I am part of a community that I feel tremendously passionate about. I never would have pictured that my need to write about my life would snowball into this. And while I wish I wasn't still here dealing with infertility (with another miscarriage to add to the list), I am fortunate to not walk the road alone.

To celebrate my blogoversary, I decided to go back and read my blog - from the beginning. I couldn't believe I wrote some of that stuff. I was so innocent and full of hope and optimism. So sickeningly sweet at times that I scoffed. I wasn't naive but I truly believed it would happen for us, regardless of the ups and downs. I slowly read forward through panic attacks, ovarian cysts, our first RE visit, testing, my ovulatory dysfunction diagnosis, Clomid, injections, pregnancy and loss. I saw my descent into the depths of infertility with each post. I can barely recognize the girl who started this blog. I see bits and pieces of her but mostly she has faded, becoming more bitter as time goes on. I am trying to get some of her back. I don't want to completely go back to being her because I have grown over the past year and overall, I am happy with who I am now. A work in progress, I admit, but I still like me. I do, however, wish I had more of her carefree nature laying around. I miss how I felt when TTC was fun and exciting - when it meant lots 'o sex and neverending possibilities. Now when I read those early chapters of my IF-dom, I think BARF. O dust? Give me a break. I didn't realize how cynical I've become.

Of course, I would like to believe I've become more interesting and clever as a result of my descent. But that's up for debate. *wink*

I'd like to toast to all of my fellow infertiles. May our journeys soon reach their desired destinations.