Barren Bitches Book Tour #4

Just a brief review of the book: I really enjoyed the candid and honest manner with which the book was written. It was such a true description of loss and love that I could easily relate to. And while Peggy's journey to parenthood was much longer and much more complicated than mine in the end, I felt that I could see some of myself in her experiences. This is one that every infertile should read.

Here is my Q&A regarding Waiting for Daisy by Peggy Orenstein:

1. Orenstein struggles with the feeling that she "waited too long to start trying to conceive". How does this compare to your feelings about the timing of your journey to parenthood?

I actually feel the opposite way. I feel that I started TTC at a fairly young age (23). I was engaged to be married and I knew I was spending the rest of my life with my husband so I didn't want to wait to expand our family. We had already had a miscarriage in August 2005 when we were on birth control so neither of us wanted to wait and regret it should we have even more difficulties carrying a baby as I grew older.

I was always told that I miscarried because it "wasn't the right time". I was finishing up college and planning a wedding at the time. However, I never believed that in my heart. I always thought that if I was to carry that baby to term, I would be just as good a mother as I will be now. Things have a way of just working out - even when we don't plan for them. You can't plan for everything. Looking back, I'm just glad I started when I did. It took us 15 months to get another BFP so if I had waited, who knows how much longer it would have taken, if it happened at all.

2. Peggy relied on a few things to comfort and give her a sense of security while pregnant or after miscarrying. Did you find that you also had a token, or good luck charm, or item you used to help you recover from loss or a failed cycle?

My only sense of security after the miscarriage was my hospital bracelet. It was such an early pregnancy loss (about 5 weeks) that I had no momentos of the baby I lost. I grieved so deeply but had nothing to hold onto to remind me of the brief time of joy I spent with my baby. While the bracelet served as a reminder of pain for a while, it eventually gave me the strength to keep trying to conceive. It served as proof that we had once made a life and could do it again. I can't say it was a good luck charm for us but it certainly helped me to move on and gain hope that I would one day be a mother and hold a baby in my arms.

4. Very early in the book Peggy says something that every IF has thought at least once: "what do you do, think the first time you're ready but your body says no?" Outside of when you got your infertility diagnosis (because that could have been many cycles in), how did you feel that FIRST time your body said no?

The first time my body officially said "no" was when I miscarried. Although we weren't actively trying at the time, I was floored. I was only 23. How could my body not hold a baby? I never smoked a day in my life. I've never done drugs or anything to pollute my body. What is wrong with me? I just began to question my self-worth. Was I really a woman if I couldn't have a baby? Isn't that what we are built to do?

Every month when AF would show up, it just got to the point where I'd shake my head and tell myself "why'd you even bother?". I was conditioned to expect disappointment. But then, Hope always found a way to sneak in. Sure enough, my body eventually said "yes" and I got my BFP. Even though my body now believes it, I can hardly wrap my brain around it. Funny how they switch places, huh?

5. Peggy struggles through the book with questions of heritage, genes, and religion. How important is it for you and your partner to have a child that is biologically yours and why? What feelings go into that decision/choice for you right now if you are still trying to have a child ?

On a scale of 1 to 10, having a biological child of my own was about an 8. I desperately wanted to be able to look into my child's eyes and see a part of me or a part of my husband staring back at me. I was always scared that if I adopted, I just wouldn't feel the same way toward that child as I would one of my own. Partly, because pregnancy is such a bonding experience, I wondered how I could feel the same way about a child that I didn't share that with.

However, if I was diagnosed "physically unable" to have a child of my own, I would definitely be up for adoption. I would have issues to iron out and perhaps at that point, they would be so menial that it wouldn't make a difference. The bottom line is I want a child to love, no matter where he or she comes from.

8. On the bottom of page 62, Peggy muses that she thought Steven was getting her pregnant. If you're undergoing treatments, who do you think gets the person pregnant? The owner of the other gametes (whether they're your partner or donor sperm/egg)? The RE?

I believe that my RE had a big hand in getting me pregnant. She gave me Clomid and she gave me a trigger shot that ensured O. Without her help, DH and I would still be trying to guess what my body was doing and when to BD. I don't think she "got me pregnant" per se. More like she was in the room watching...as perverted as that sounds...but I have to give the top prize to DH.

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: The Kid by Dan Savage.