Salt in the Wounds

I tested this morning. BFN with a CBE Digital. Good news: the trigger is pretty much out of my system at this point. Bad news: I'm not a mother. It is only 9dpo so it is still super early and anything can happen. My progesterone was perfectly normal, so at least my body is working correctly. But, Hope has retreated a bit and I am now okay with waiting and seeing what my chart does before testing again. I'm thinking no POAS until 13dpo, which is Thursday. Which just so happens to be around the anniversary of when my angel in heaven may have turned 1. I'm going to the Gwen concert with my mom that night so at least it will take my mind off of things.

I think about how my life would be different if I had never had the miscarriage. I would have a 1 year old son or daughter now. I probably would have had to graduate a semester later than I did and we may have had to push forward/back the wedding date so I could still fit in my dress. Would I care in the end? No way. I'd give ANYTHING to meet the bundle of joy who was just too beautiful for earth. I would probably be watching cartoons right now instead of typing on this blog. I would get to touch my baby's chubby fingers, legs and toes and feel the softness of his/her skin. I would get to smell their hair (or lack thereof if they were baldy like me for quite some time). My life would probably be a different world but I must live in the here and now. And I must pray that someday, I will get to live the life I never got to live one year ago.

On Friday, I spent my lunch break trying to find the perfect Mother's Day card for my mom and for MIL. Mother's Day is easily the hardest holiday for an infertile woman, bar none. All the beautiful cards with flowers and glitter for the women who have been blessed with children staring you right in the face. Everywhere I glanced, I saw messages of unconditional love, encouragement, friendship and devotion. I tried not to seem disappointed. Focus, I told myself. And then there it was. The "mother-to-be" Mother's Day card. If that wasn't a stake through the heart, it was certainly salt in my open wounds.

Why isn't there a Mother's Day card for women who want to be mothers but can't for whatever reason? Don't we count on Mother's Day? Our hearts are in the right place but our bodies aren't. Maybe we have blocked tubes or faulty hormones. Maybe our uterus' aren't sticky enough or our ovaries aren't "eggy" enough. But what about us? Shouldn't our bravery and courage for what we go through to achieve motherhood be recognized just as much as those who have been successful? I think so and I think (or hope) I'm not alone on this.

Anywho, I've come up with some prototype Mother's Day cards for all of us. What do you think? Maybe we can each submit a few ideas and make our own line of Infertility Sucks cards. Yeah!

Front: The stork may have lost his way...

Inside: ...but you WILL be a Mother someday. Happy Mother's Day.

Front: Never lose hope...

Inside: ...but if you do, I'll be right here waiting for you. Mother's Day and always.

Front: You may not have a baby bump...

Inside: ...but you are beautiful inside and out. Happy Mother's Day.

Front: Life can be so unfair...

Inside: ...but it is wonderful to have you as a part of mine. Happy "Future Mother's" Day.

Front: The easiest pregnancy test EVER...Instructions: Simple make a wish and open the card to reveal the results...

Inside: ...(Two pink lines form a heart) You are positively due for a positive. Happy "Wannabe" Mother's Day.

Front: Your eggs may be scrambled, or fried...

Inside: ...but you'll always be sunny side up to me! Happy Mother's Day.

Okay, the last one was a bit corny but you get my drift. Remember, this is just brainstorming! We can do the same for Father's Day cards too. I'm sure Future Daddies get upset when everyone else is taking their kids to ballgames, riding them on their shoulders or teaching them to do things. We all feel the same pain, emptiness and loss over our lack of fertility.

I want to wish all the mothers out there - those who've succeeded as well as those who desperately want to be - a Happy Mother's Day. To all the wannabe moms: May this be the last Mother's Day we ever have to face without a sticky bean of our own. XOXO