Sunday, April 08, 2007

Dyed Eggs

I don't know about anyone else but my eggs have "dyed". It's CD37 and the Easter Bunny hasn't brought me any treats, much less a basket of eggs. I'm not expecting any gifts, although some chocolate would be nice. I might as well eat the junk I want since I have no 2ww in sight. I haven't even been taking my prenatal vitamins lately. What's the point? I should just save them for when there's a chance I'll need them.

The whole Easter tradition is different to me this year. The entire holiday is steeped with age-old fertility symbols. First, there is the easter egg itself. The egg is symbolic of life, both sealed inside and renewed by breaking out of it. Secondly, there is the Easter Bunny. Rabbits are known for their fertility - the ability of females to conceive a second litter while still pregnant with her first. Hence the term "breed like bunnies". You could see why I would find this holiday particularly ironic this year. And that's not all I found out:

The act of eating colored eggs at the Spring Equinox can be considered a form of sympathetic magic or prayer for increased fertility, and a bountiful harvest later in the year.
Guess I should get into the spirit and break out the food coloring.

I've been doing my best to stay away from the boards this weekend. One of the girls in my East Coast BG got pregnant with #2 after just one month TTC. That's right, one month. And the kicker is she is due the day before my 25th birthday. I am happy for her because she is a sweetheart but, as always, it is just hard for me to grasp why it comes easily for some and so much more difficult for others. Are some more deserving than others? Why is fate so cruel? Maybe because it's a four-letter word that begins with F. I know life is and never will be fair, and that I must accept disappointment. But sometimes, it seems like Fate deals me a bad hand while grinning as wide as the Cheshire Cat. I can barely bring myself to hope for a BFP since I'm anovulatory. I just feel so trapped, unable to try, nothing I can do to achieve my goal of motherhood. All I can do is sit and watch my chart, as if staring at it long enough will change what I see.

I've read pretty much everything there is to read about infertility and I feel like an expert. Well, maybe not an expert per se but pretty damn close. But no matter how much I read, I won't find the answers. I wish I had the answers for me and my TTC sisters but I don't. I wish I knew who had the answers: doctors, nurses, higher powers? I wish I could erase our pain and discover the reason why we are meant to live and learn through this. I guess we won't know until everything is said and done.

ETA: A close friend of mine also just posted her BFP today after 3 months TTC. I guess the fertility stuff really is true, just not for me. I sent her the traditional, courteous congratulatory message but inside, I am hurting. 3 years of unprotected sex, 1 miscarriage, 14 months of "actively" TTC. Where does it end and how much longer will my journey be?


Southern Comfortable said...

Ugh, it really isn't fair, is it? So sorry you're feeling down. I hope things get better soon.

s day said...

Every holiday sucks when your TTC and failing. I am sorry, I know exactly how you feel.

Ann said...

I know what it's like to feel so helpless. Personally, I feel kind of pathetic--one year of TTC, and only ONE CHANCE for a BFP? (It came back negative, of course.)