Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Round One

I've officially finished my first round of Clomid. Now, I'm just anxious to see what it does for me. The only side effect I've really had is the hot flashes, but they weren't too terrible. I can manage those with the removal of clothing (which usually aids in our fertility anyway, LOL). In all seriousness, if that is all I have to deal with then I consider myself lucky.

Tomorrow morning, I have my ultrasound to check on my follies. I have only had some dull, minor aches in the ovary area so I'm not sure if that means anything at this point. I just hope that I have some big, fat follies growing with eggs ready to pop. I keep thinking 3-4 eggs would be nice. I highly doubt all of them would fertilize and it would give plenty for the spermies to choose from. They've been quite picky so far if I may say so myself. With more options, they're bound to find one they "bond" with...right?

Another BFP popped up on the boards yesterday. A girl my age is now pregnant with #3. She had been trying for quite a few months and I am happy for her. However, I don't feel as thrilled as I do for the girls who finally get pregnant with #1 after a year or years of TTC. That probably makes me sound like a total ice queen but I can't help it. Like I said, I really am happy for her. It's just that there are so many others out there who can't even have #1. Secondary infertility must be a painful experience in and of itself, and my heart goes out to those women. But, it is a slightly different pain than primary infertility. With primary infertility, you question whether or not you are barren: will I never have a biological child of my own? Am I destined to be motherless for the rest of my life? With secondary infertility, you have answers to those questions. Don't get me wrong - it is still quite devastating when you long for a child and cannot have one. Secondary infertiles still have questions about themselves: what is wrong with my body? I did it once before, why can't I do it again? However, they will always know the joy of being a mother and experiencing pregnancy. My excitement grows when someone finally gets to experience motherhood in all its glory.

I will probably catch a lot of slack for this rant but the truth is that my happiness for others is now on a sliding scale. The longer you try or the more (perceived) pain you experience, the happier I am for you when you finally achieve success. As sad as it may be, infertility has definitely exposed my cold, jealous side. I still have my bubbly, friendly personality. But what lies beneath is my heart, wrapped in a hard shell of denial, anger, frustration, hurt, and disappointment. There are many times when I wish I had never felt this pain and that I didn't have to go through IF. But then again, I am thankful. I am thankful for the eye-opening experience that has led me to my wonderful friends and support systems. I may have turned a bit more cold but I have also grown stronger and have realized I am not a quitter. I am resiliant and more determined than ever to get that elusive BFP.

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