Monday, November 20, 2006

Manic Monday

Just another manic much for a relaxing weekend. AF decided to show early Saturday and from there on out, things just got worse and worse.

I guess you could say it began Friday afternoon. It had been a pretty slow day at work despite a somewhat busy week personally. My boss left early to get her hair done for a function she was attending on Saturday night. She called me about an hour after she left (around 3pm) to ask me to drive into Baltimore City to pick up some tickets for her since she won't be able to make it after her hair appointment. I was hesitant because I felt like this was a personal request and I would be risking my own vehicle should something happen, even if I was still on the clock. However, I had a hard time saying no so I accepted and went on my way. I didn't make it back to the office until about 4pm. At around 430pm, a coworker informed me that my boss wanted me to visit a bank close to wear I live (on Saturday morning - my day off!!!) to gather some marketing information for a prospective client. Now don't get me wrong - I want to be a team player. I just find it unacceptable to ask someone to do this on their own time. Why couldn't they have asked me earlier and I could have gone on company time? Needless to say, this set me off. I was not a happy camper. Here I am - the least paid employee on the payroll - yet I am the one being asked to work on the weekend. And without pay to boot! I went ahead with the task but all the while, I just couldn't shake the anger.

On Saturday morning, after my trip to the bank, I came home to find DH on the phone with SIL. They were discussing Savannah's condition and DH was trying to find a place to deliver lunch to them in Richmond. He was putting in extensive effort to find a suitable lunch for them, being comforting and supportive. All of a sudden, my emotions began to boil inside of me. I could feel it building like in cartoons, where the character's face turns red and smoke comes out of his ears. All of the past week's events just came to their peak and I blew up. I had what some might call a mini meltdown. I just couldn't help but think back to our miscarriage. DH just seemed to pick right back up with his life, without much care to what had happened. I, however, couldn't get past the fact that a life inside of me had vanished before I even had the chance to truly take it all in. He seemed more devastated by Savannah's surgery than our own baby's death. I mean, I feel HORRIBLE about her situation but I can't help but feel they should be thankful she is still alive. It just hurt me so badly to see all this in front of my face. I broke down and cried. I lashed out at him, even though I knew it was wrong. I just couldn't help how I felt and my anger flooded out of me in every which way like a tsunami. DH admitted that he feels closer to Savannah than he did with our baby because he was never able to bond with it. He said he did hurt for a while after the m/c, but he has since moved on. Obviously, I have not. I feel so alone sometimes in my feelings, as though no one understands me. It has been over a year and I still can't move on from it. We've talked it through but no matter how I try, it still haunts me.

I never thought we'd be the kind of couple that is "reproductively challenged". I've never smoked a cigarette a day in my life. Although I don't exercise often, my diet is pretty decent and I'm far from overweight. We are doing everything right and yet it has been 9 months and no conception. It is hard to bear everyone else's announcements while I try month after month with no success. It is even hard to sympathize with other people because I feel like they are wealthier than me, simply because they have a child and I do not. Typing this alone makes me realize how selfish this sounds. But it is the truth nonetheless. The cold, hard truth.

Sunday proved to be a better day but had stresses of its own. DH and I are dogsitting for my parents and have taken in 2 of the dogs for a week. They are the sweetest animals but they are an adjustment. The pug snored ALL night long, so DH moved to the couch and I was left sleep deprived by the sound of the buzz saw. It is now almost 3pm and I could lay down and take a snooze. I'm glad this is only a 3-day work week with the holidays fast approaching. Tonight, DH has his late class so I think I will spend the time catching up on my rest and enjoying the peace and quiet. I think I might just need a little time alone.

Also, because of the stress, my temps have been much higher than usual. I hope I get some much needed sleep tonight and that my chart (and my life) will return to normal very soon.

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