Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Winter Insanity

Today was the first snow of the year here in Maryland. We got a good little bit - about 2 inches or so - not just flurries like I anticipated. I woke up and looked out of our window and saw the flakes falling onto the trees and onto the grass. I've always been a warmer weather kind of gal but I do love to see the snow fall. There's something peaceful about it. Of course, I had to go to work so driving in it is a different story. There's nothing peaceful about that.

Life has been very low-key in Chez Sticky. I've continued lounging on a self-imposed partial bedrest. I know logically that if a miscarriage is inevitable, nothing I can do will prevent it. But by laying down and doing squat after work, I feel like I'm doing something to help our bean grow. Maybe it sounds silly but after two losses, I just want to do everything I can to ensure our little one has a chance.

No matter how many times I tell myself to just enjoy this and go with the flow, I can't shake my worrywart-ness. Everytime I feel a twinge or a cramp, I wonder if that is the end. Everytime I sneeze, cry or laugh, I wonder if I somehow dislodged our little embryo. I analyze every symptom - or absence of symptoms, hoping they will give me some sort of clue as to whether this will be successful. Most times, I feel nothing and I'm left to wonder what's going on in there. And I know I'm still in early days, but it is hard for me to imagine defeating the IF monster and bringing home a live baby next summer. There are just so many hurdles to jump over and I know I must take it one day at a time. But, impatient as I am, I wish I had the remote control to life so I could hit the fast forward button.

I've tried to talk to my little Sunshine and coax him/her into staying. I've already bonded, although my anxiety raises just admitting that. I feel like I will jinx everything by becoming hooked. DH is much more hesitant to get attached. He rarely rubs my belly and he refuses to talk to it. I respect that and understand his need to put up a wall, but it hurts all the same. It's not just me who is guarded - my husband is also plagued by fear. If he were happier, perhaps I could release some of my worries. Or vice versa. But instead, we feed off of each other and create a universal sense of panic.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful at all. I look in the mirror everyday and I'm amazed that there is something growing inside me. I am so incredibly thankful for another chance at motherhood. Even if the outcome is questionable. I'm just petrified it will end in the same way the others have. I feel guilty for bringing another life into the world that my body could erase.

Benjamin Franklin once stated that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Am I insane for desperately wanting this to be different from the rest? I don't think I've ever wanted anything more in my entire life.

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

It's so true ... such a scary and stressful time. But as I keep reminding myself (even at 14 weeks and 6 days, I'm still having a hard time believing that my pregnancy is really going to be successful -- that's what IF and several miscarriages does, right?) that any amount of fear and stress is worth every chance we get to bring our babies home. I wish you well and all the blessed "stickiness" in the world.

Geohde said...

It's entirely reasonable for you to worry in early pregnancy. The IF monster does take away the happiness and replace it with 'what will happen this time?'.

Wishing you all the best,

J

Natalie said...

I don't think any of that sounds silly at all. Of course you want to feel like you're doing everything possible to help it stick. These next few weeks are going to be so stressful for you guys. :( I'm holding my breath for you.

Carrie said...

It's one of the saddest parts of repeated miscarriage in my book. The fact that you've lost babies is bad enough but then you can't enjoy the life you are now carrying either.
It is hard and I've no wise advice other than to point out that this has every chance of being 'the one' Every chance. Try to hang on to that thought xx

Samantha said...

I hope you and your husband will be able to find the means and words to support each other. There's a lot to be fearful about, but a lot of potential for joy as well.

Fertilize Me said...

If it is insanity, I am riding htat bus too. I could not feel any more of the same then you do right now. I have irrational, "did i lift my arms up too high", was that too far to reach moments myself.

I do hope that you and your husband will find a language that is able to communicate eachothers needs. This is such an amazing, panicy, weary time and you need eachother. Take care of eachother and your relationship with eachother. you know that already and I know you are doing all possible.

Meghan said...

It is yet another thing that IF takes away from us...and it is just so unfair.

I've got everything crossed for you, hoping this one is it

singletracey said...

you have every right to worry.. hopefully.. you will get to the part where you can enjoy yoru little sunshine more.. I know for some the worry follows the entire pregnancy.. but I see things different for you. Your happy-place is just around the corner my friend :-)

LJ said...

Your worry is totally normal - I'm hoping it is all unfounded fear though...

JJ said...

I wish that you didnt have the need to fear--its unfair for that to be part of the happy/joyous moments once you have the knowledge of a little sticky bean=) Hoping so much for you!

Melissa said...

You can only go with the feelings you have and try to work manuever around them the best you can. You are completely within reason to be hesitant after all you've been through and my heart goes out to your better half. I think they are even worse at dealing with all this stuff than we are.
*big hugs*

MoonNStarMommy said...

I found you via the TTC link in the interests section...

I want to give you HUGE CONGRATS on your pregnancy!!

It's so easy to say, just breath and relax and enjoy the pregnancy.

Once you have a m/c (and I've had 12) .. your naive bubble is completely burst, and you cannot just be the "happy go lucky" person had you not had the exerience of loss.

There are several stages of pregnancy after miscarriage...

#1: OMG is that another line?!!?!?!? which turns into tears... (or being told that a beta came back positive, followed by tears)...

#2: .... Freak Out until the heartbeat is seen...

#3: :: sigh of relief :: once the heartbeat is seen

#4: :: deep sigh :: after you hit the second trimester and the miscarriage changes go down by light years...

#5: Relief with each kick, punch, and flip...

#6: Fear eases a little once you hit 24 weeks and you know that IF the baby needs to be born, it can be ... and that fear eases up a little more each week as you know the chances of premature survive goes up with every day.

#7: However... you cannot feel completely free until that wet, messy, screaming baby is handed to you and you look in their eyes and think, "I finally did it" and the love so immeasurable hits you like a ton of brinks.

And the new fears and worries and utter happiness sets in!!

I thought I saw somewhere that you were asking about progestorone? I had to take it with my last pregnancy - if you still have some lingering questions, I can try to help.

I hope you don't mind, I'd like to keep up with you - and I'm going to add your link to my TTC blog.

r_is_moody said...

It just really sucks that you can't have a happy, blissful pregnancy. It is not right that it has been stolen from you, from all of us who have had m/c.

I can't tell you how to relax and enjoy every moment you have with this baby because I haven't done it myself. But I hope somehow you can find some peace during this pg.

Keeping you and sticky in my prayers!!

megan said...

the worry is unavoidable...and it takes a long time to truly ease. i'm hoping so hard for you guys.

Chris said...

Yes, it is a scary time, but try to enjoy every minute of it. You deserve it!

And snow . . . I'm so jealous!

M said...

Oh sweetie....I am at 16 weeks and still tend to want to sit and not move much....and not sneeze or make abrupt gestures. So understandable.

I hope time passes quickly for you and you reach those milestones that comfort you.

Debby said...

My hubby is always behind me on the attachment thing. He's just so guarded because of previous losses. At 13 weeks now he's finally just starting to let it all really sink in and start being excited. It's ok that it takes them longer....doesn't mean they don't love as much, they just feel the need to be the strong one.

Barb said...

Oh gosh. I know I'll have the same problem if I ever get pregnant. Bless you.

Wordgirl said...

Oh, I can understand your anxiety -- be easy on yourself if you can.

Thinking good thoughts for you,

Pam

The Town Criers said...

I am sending hope and hope and more hope. Anything you need to do to get through these weeks--and lying down sounds good!

Grad3 said...

Insanity is very different from persistent and hopeful. Trust me ;)

I just wanted you to say that I know exactly how you are feeling. I promise you will find your way through this. If lying down helps, then do it!

Hugs and I am hoping along with you and for you...

Courtney said...

Getting to the starting line is a scary, scary thing. Isn't this what we have been waiting for all this time? I truly hope that your fears subside and that your little bean grows stronger every day. You so deserve this!

Elin said...

hiya babe, i just was thinking of you so i stopped by to tell you....

love and prayers xxxx

LeRoy Dissing said...

You are definitely not insane for wanting to be a mother...and I for one, think you will be someday to a bouncing baby girl/boy or both. Slow and steady wins the race they say. I am hoping and praying this will be the race you win!

In and Out of Luck said...

Oh, totally, totally understandable! And it made me sad to see you describe a m/c as something that you felt your body did to an embryo - i see it as something that happened to you and to the embryo. It's not our fault when a m/c happens. I relate to your anxiety, of course. I am still nervous and filled with superstition and although I am utterly attached, I do not talk about the pregnancy as if it were a done deal, I don't really say the "b" word and I don't want to know the due date. Heartbreak leaves its mark, as you know.