Saturday, November 10, 2007

Someone Pissed In My Cheerios

As you can probably tell from the title, today's scan didn't go so well.

There were an assortment of follies but all of them were pretty small and insignificant. The largest follie I had was a 12mm on the right. Lovely. The two follies I had last cycle were bigger than that at this point. Even if the largest one catches up by Tuesday's repeat scan, I don't have much hope that it will be a golden egg. I just feel this cycle is already a bust.

I think my ovaries are starting to become acclimated to 100mg Clomid. They responded well during the first cycle of 100mg and I got my BFP. Last month - my second 100mg cycle - I had two follies but they were a good bit smaller than the ones from my BFP cycle. And now, I'm not responding at all. Or barely. Has anyone else had this experience? I feel like it is a waste of time at this point. I either want to go up to 150mg or take a break to save for injects. I hate this waiting in limbo crap.

After the news, I called DH and cried a little. I'm tired of always fighting this battle. I was frustrated and pissed off. We can do the same exact thing every cycle - same protocol, same BD, same everything - and it doesn't mean that it will turn out the same way it did in May. It's amazing to me how I can respond well twice and the third time, I get nada. WTF?

So, I met my mom at the mall for some retail therapy. I contemplated buying a puppy in the pet store but reason interceded and I decided it wouldn't be in the best interest of an animal to live in a third-story apartment with owners that work all day long. Then, I contemplated buying a Juicy Couture purse but rationally decided that it was impractical. Instead, I spent $150 on makeup, over which I now have a case of buyer's remorse. DH looked like a deer in headlights when I confessed about my splurge but he didn't dare scold me. He knew I needed to do something good for myself after the shitty morning. I even told him it could be part of my Christmas or birthday present but he insisted it was okay. I still might return some of it. I'm undecided. It made me feel good temporarily but nothing is going to replace the fact that I can't carry a baby. Hell, I can't even ovulate when I'm on medication to do so. This just sucks a big fat one.

24 comments:

Pamela Jeanne said...

I'm really sorry things aren't going as well as you'd like on the follicle front. Those cycles can be so inconsistent month to month...sigh.

Glad you found some way to indulge. I spent a few hours are a newly opened H&M store in our area this afternoon. Did some damage, too.

Natalie said...

Oh man, I'm sorry the scan showed such crappy results. :( So very frustrating.... *big hugs*

Geohde said...

Hon, I'm sorry. But remember that the response to Clomid can be quite variable cycle-to-cycle. I've had different results every cycle, some too much, some too little. All on the same dose.

one x 12mm alone wouldn't be bad, anyway. It's recruited and will ovulate in about a week. All totally normal, but I understand that it's not what you wanted to see on your scan. I always hope for more, too.

xx

J

Ms. Infertile said...

Sorry about the scan. I hope that things improve for the next one. I had variable responses to clomid too. By the third month it seemed I wasn't responding as well - my tsh was high at that point too so who knows if it was the clomid or my thyroid.

Anyway...hope the retail therapy helped some.

Leah said...

Well, shit. These scans are always a crap shoot, you never know what's going on in there. It is still early, though, so don't lose faith in your ovary buddies just yet!

Melissa said...

I'm sorry that your follies weren't exactly award-winning. I don't have personal experience with Clomid, but I have heard of ladies whose follies react differently to the same Clomid dosage, month after month. Unfortunately, our bodies aren't as predictable as we'd like them to be.

And don't feel guilty about the retail therapy. I've always found that it helps to treat myself to something nice every now and then. Just enjoy your new purchases - you deserve it.

journey to junior said...

i'm so sorry, kristen.

my RE told me that not only is each woman responses to fertility drugs different, each woman's response to the drugs differs every month. each month our body is prepared for a different cycle, and each cycle can vary widely.

not the answer any of us want to hear, but i think it can rationally explain what you are experiencing.

emotionally, however - well, that is a different story.

i'm so sorry. ((hugs))

Mands said...

I am so sorry that your cycle is not going as planned. Clomid is a very unpredictable drug, and you never know how your body will respond. My doc says that by this stage the follies grow apprx. 2mm per day, so they may still surprise you.
I had some retail therapy of my own this weekend, and contrary to popular belief, "stuff" does make you feel better! You deserve to spoil yourself.

Fertilize Me said...

I am sorry that your folle scan didn't make you feel very postive about your cycle or your self. I, too, had random, never the same response to Clomid. (or injectibles either) 12mm is a good sized follie though hang in there and complete thte cycle out and we all will hold the hope for you. SOmetime's its just easier for us to be the cheering section than yourself

My Reality said...

It sucks when your body won't cooperate.

I think you should keep all the makeup and enjoy it!

megan said...

i'm so sorry Kristen. i hope your body will kick things into overdrive and make up for lost time...

CAM said...

Gotta love retail therapy! After my surgery I laid in bed and did online shopping...it felt great! I think you are ready for bigger and better drugs!
Thanks so much for your kind words on my site during a horrible time. The support that I get from everyone means the world.
You guys are the best!
:)

hoping for a child said...

when i started my blog yesterday, it was really for my own sanity. i had no expectation that anyone else would read it or even find it...(I'm not a computer person and have little clue what i'm doing). your comment on my blog made me cry...i do a lot of that these days. thank you so much for reaching out to a stranger. your kindness has restored my hope in this messed up world. all the best to you.

Kim said...

I'm sorry that things are majorly sucking. I'm hoping that some of those follies will get off their arses and catch up for you.

Hilary (The Trying Game) said...

Wow this post seemed veeerry familary to me. I was never a great responder to Clomid. Of the 3 cycles I was on it, I only responded once, and I went up to 150 mgs.

I remember how devastating it was to go through that. I am so sorry you have to deal with this disappointment you're feeling.

I am keeping fingers crossed for you and your 12 mm follie~

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

I'm so sorry your scan didn't go well, as I know how frustrating that can be when you've done everything you're supposed to do. I'm hoping that your follies have an amazing growth spurt! HUGS!

chicklet said...

Gawd, I'm so sorry the follicles aren't behaving. It's so hard to have so much out of our control.

As for indulging, we all need it. We all deserve it. Particularly after a day like you had.

sday said...

I hear ya. Sorry for the crappy cycle. Don't you wish there was a switch we could flip that turns of the "caring about having a baby" emotion. Then it wouldn't be so hard.

Good for you on the retail therapy... you deserve it!

said...

I'm so sorry about the scan.
I totally feel your pain.
I have extreme guilt that I can't ovulate/carry a baby.

*HUGS*

Missy said...

I'm sorry your scan wasn't that great. I don't blame you for doing a little retail therapy. I always figure, if I can't have a child at least I can have nice things. I hope your scan on Tuesday is better.

Courtney said...

Sending some serious healing thoughts your way. I am so sorry that your scan wasn't what you had hoped for or needed. I am hoping that your body kicks it into overdrive for the rest of your cycle and some big plump follies are on their way.

Yodasmistress said...

Nothing but (((hugs))) to give.

Abby said...

I took Clomid 100mg for a month, had a big follie and ovulated. BFN.. The next month I took Clomid 150mg...and had NOTHING, like no follies over 8. I could not figure it out either, made no sense. At that point we decieded to move to injectaables

Barb said...

It must be something in the water this month. :(

I swear as I went longer with femara, my body "acclimated" to it, but my doctor thought I was crazy. Your body acclimates to other meds, why not these?? My s/e's also got easier each round of clomid, so to me that's a kind of acclimation.

Hugs
B