Saturday, November 17, 2007

Let Freedom Ring

Thank you all so much for sharing your comments and experiences about acupuncture. It has really made the decision a no-brainer. I am feeling pretty gung-ho about going forward with it and will probaby make an appointment for a consultation before the big holiday next month. The only iffy part is the cost but I'm sure DH and I will be able to work out something - maybe as part of my Christmas present (that Kate Spade bag will just have to wait for next year). I will also check with my insurance company in the meantime to see if they will alleviate some of the burden of the cost.

Today, I've had a strange sense of peace and calm wash over me. It's not that I don't want this cycle to work. God knows I do. But if it doesn't, I don't feel that all is lost. I don't feel hopeless or overwhelmed with emotion like I have in the past. I will be relieved to get my life back. To do things I enjoy - things that I sacrifice as a result of my treatment and constant seesaw of emotions. I will be taking care of my mind and my body, without nasty side effects. No doctors' appointments (except maybe a consult with a new RE) or rendezvous with the transvag beast. It all seems so appealing. To let go of that stress. Exciting. So much so that it is a bit scary.

I am so used to having my life revolve around TTC. It's like being underwater for so long and now finding yourself drifting up toward the surface. You've been accustomed to the sea life .You haven't seen what it looks like on land for ages. You're not sure what the sky looks like anymore. All you can see is the light that gradually gets brighter until you completely emerge from the darkness. With TTC, you're so detached from the outside world. It will be nice to come up for air, even if it's just for a few months.

I'm ready to join the world of the living for awhile.

We'll still be trying - as in we won't be preventing. But we won't have a schedule or an Rx to follow. We can actually be spontaneous. DH has even mentioned vacationing in Paris. He had a sudden burst of inspiration while we watched Woody Allen's Everyone Says I Love You. I know it probably isn't financially possible. But this sense of peace seriously gives us wings. It's like we know we're about to be set free. And we can dream together like we used to. Let freedom ring.


Fertilize Me said...

Kristen -
GIrl I am Cheering for you - YAH for this post! (althought i do hope for that TTC break- in a bfp kind of way) It is refreshing to find and know that peace is coming your way one way or another... I am glad you are finding your wings. I have always wanted to be able to say "we'll always have paris" ..its just sooo Classic

Geohde said...


Good luck with whatever you decide to do or not do,



Meghan said...

Great analogy, I too feel like I'm barely keeping my head above the water.

So glad you're at peace with taking a break...although I've got everything crossed that it will be a 9 month one ;)

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

The freedom that a break from the RE can give you is boundless. We felt the exact same way. Sometimes you just need to refocus and reclaim your life and put IF on the back burner. I'm praying that this break bring wonderful things for you and DH. HUGS!!!

Grad3 said...

I hope this feeling lasts a long while for you! Hugs

Samantha said...

I hope coming up for air will leave you refreshed with plenty of oxygen!

JJ said...

I echo everyone else--I hope that the fresh air and time to re-group will do wonders for you both.