Tell Me You Love Me: Episode 04

I am so sorry for the delay but here is this week's rundown. Lots of revelations in this episode! The plot thickens...

Carolyn is in the Rite Aid and buys a box of HPTs. She takes one in the store bathroom. She waits impatiently and cries when it turns negative. She gets so angry that she rips the soap dispenser off the wall.

Okay, a show of hands - how many of us have wanted to do this same thing? I know when that stark white test sneers at me, I want to tear apart my bathroom. I resist from doing so only because I know I'd have to clean it up later. But, oh, in my fantasy...my wrath is unstoppable.

Carolyn meets Palek at work to tell him about the test. She says she doesn't know what to do. Palek says they'll just try again and it will be okay. Carolyn is angry that he isn't as upset about it. He says they aren't dying and they're not sick and to "get some perspective". She walks out.

Again, I think this is a common occurrence between men and women. I find men are upset about a BFN but just not as upset in general. Of course, there are exceptions to the rule but for the most part, I find this to be true. Men tend to be much more idealistic and women tend to be more realistic. Men just pick up and move on and can let go much easier than we can. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that we are the ones peeing on sticks and charting and checking CM. We put so much stock into trying to conceive that we feel like we fail every month we don't see a second pink line. Do you feel like Carolyn needs to "get some perspective"? Do you think infertility can be compared to being terminally ill?

Carolyn is on the computer out on the balcony and Palek comes over to comfort her. He says she can't come to his work and confront him like she did. She apologizes. He says he doesn't want to lose "us" over this. She comes clean that she had an abortion in college. That baby would be 10 now. She wonders if that is the reason why they are having trouble conceiving. He asks if that is the reason she's been blaming him all this time - because someone else got her pregnant but he can't.

Wow, I wasn't expecting this revelation at all! I have never had an abortion personally but I can't imagine the guilt that must cause. Is there anything you've done in the past that you feel guilty about now that you are dealing with IF? For me, I had a LEEP done for cervical dysplasia back in 2004, months after I began dating DH. Now I haven't had that many sexual partners - 8 including DH. I often feel like if I had waited until marriage to have sex, maybe I wouldn't have had so much trouble. I know deep down that guilt is a useless emotion but sometimes that feeling crosses my mind and I relate it to my IF.

Carolyn goes to therapy and starts without Palek, who is "stuck at work". Truth is, he isn't up to it after their discussion. She says he cares about TTC but not as much. She says he can think of other things but she can't. The therapist says it is hard to shut people out and then expect them to be there for you. Carolyn confesses about the abortion and says she has to get past it and move on. Therapy is "her thing". The therapist replies it is a hard road to take by herself. Carolyn says she always has done it on her own and the therapist says maybe its time to stop.

Breakthrough! I think that through our pain, we often shut out those closest to us in an effort to shield ourselves from further hurt and disappointment. We build these great walls around ourselves so people can't get too close. We just feel too vulnerable. I really related to the statement that Palek can think of other things and yet all she can think about is having a baby. I know that even though I go through my day-to-day responsibilities at work and home, I am constantly thinking of my cycle or my miscarriages or what my symptoms are, etc. Am I the only one that can't seem to shake those ever-present thoughts?

Carolyn goes home and searches through boxes in her closet until she finds an address book. She meets an old boyfriend - the guy she got pregnant with. She asks if they created some kind of bad karma by having the abortion. She asks what she used to be like and the guy says fun and smart - not a girl that would talk about karma. Meanwhile, Palek goes to buy a suit and flirts innocently with the saleswoman.

At first, I wasn't sure if it was a good idea for her to be meeting with this guy. But after their conversation, I thought it was a good step for her. This guy she hasn't seen or talked to in years has pointed out that she has changed. She used to be fun and now she is rambling on about karma. Perhaps this will be the catalyst for her to want to change. I know that IF has changed me - in some ways for the worse and some for the better. Was there ever a moment in particular that made you realize, "wow, have I changed!"?

Palek comes home to find Carolyn updating her new Blackberry. She said she made an appointment with her OB to inseminate. She says things aren't working naturally. He responds, "if that's what you want".

I couldn't figure out if he was just pacifying her or if he really began to believe that they really needed help. However, it looks like they're starting IUI next week. Stay tuned...it's getting more interesting!