Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Rock.Me.Hard Place


WARNING: RANTING AND RAVING TO FOLLOW

I was so glad to glance at the calendar today and see that it was August. July was one of the worst months ever for me. Although August brings back its own painful memories of miscarriage #1, I am looking forward to moving on and possibly, just maybe, getting some answers as to why I am unable to carry a baby. I'm not getting my hopes up and I'm like 90% sure everything will come back normal. But that tiny sliver of 10% keeps me hanging on.

When I came into work this morning, I turned on my computer. The first news headline I see is
this. Wonderful. So, that what I've been doing wrong all this time?! Maybe I should lose 50 lbs. and start popping pills like it's nobody's business. Then, I should get drunk and drive my SUV down the wrong side of the freeway. All along, I've been avoiding alcohol (not that I was ever a drug user or big drinker), limiting caffeine (1-2 cups per day) and trying to treat my body like a temple. So much for that. I don't even know why I bother. If Lindsay Lohan pops up pregnant next, I'm calling it a day.

I guess I'm just bitter lately. Don't get me wrong. I am so very happy for those of you with your BFPs. Really, I am. Every single one of you deserves the elation you feel. It's just that I can't help but be reminded of what I should be experiencing right now. I should be right alongside you ladies. Instead, I'm thrust back into the kingdom of TTC. Watching people post their OPKs and pregnancy tests asking someone to analyze some phantom line. Realizing that in two of my four BGs, I am now one of two original members without a belly bump or a baby. Everytime I look at my chart or put that BBT in my mouth, I want to cry or throw up.

Speaking of my chart, I am on CD24 today and my temp is still way low. I've had EWCM for 3 days now but I'm not sure if that means anything. I'm not sure whether I should expect to O or if I will be anovulatory. I HATE waiting. Waiting to see what my body is going to do this month. It's like a box of chocolates - I never know what I'm going to get. And it is frustrating that I want to move on emotionally and yet I can't because I have to wait. And wait some more. And then some more. Just for my body to catch up physically so I can start the next protocol.

In the meantime, I'm just....stuck. Between a rock and hard place, that's where you'll find me.

And I'm finding that I can't enjoy this "break". I can't distract myself, and believe me, I do try. It's useless.

I HATE what IF has done to me. Hate is a strong word but I think in this instance, it is appropriate. I used to be the person that would see a baby and immediately walk over to coo and ask questions and play with the baby. Not anymore. When I see a baby, I just want to look away. Yesterday, I went to lunch with a friend and a little girl about one year old was smiling and waving at me from a nearby table. I smiled but looked away quickly and started conversation to look busy. I felt so horrible but I just couldn't bring myself to be the person I used to be. It was either smile, wave back and start crying in the middle of the restaurant or try to ignore what I saw and keep the feelings bottled up. Again, that rock and that hard place. Damned if I do and damned if I don't. I feel like crap either way just from the mere sight of it.

In one my BGs, a good friend has just found out she is 16 weeks pregnant. Apparently, she wasn't charting and was "on a break" when she got pregnant. I know, we all LOVE those stories but it is true. She thought she was having an anovulatory cycle and her doctor made her take a pregnancy test before prescribing her Provera. You can guess how that turned out. She never even had a first trimester. Right smack into the second. And she's going to find out the sex in just a week or two. She has always been sweet and supportive of me but I am having a REALLY hard time with this. WTF?! How can you not know you are pregnant for 16 weeks?! UGH! I can't even get on the boards anymore and see her u/s picture. And I feel completely selfish and terrible. It's silly of me and I don't even know how to explain where the anger is coming from. Of course, I gave her my heartfelt congratulations. But I can't go beyond that. And it is so unlike me.

I just know I'm going to lose good friends over my behavior. And yet I don't know what else I can do to endure the hardship. I do the courteous thing - the "right" thing - by saying congratulations and asking how things are going once in a while. But that isn't enough to salvage a relationship or maintain one IRL. It takes effort. Effort that I am unable to put forth at the moment. Every ounce of energy I have is being sucked from me just to carry out a day's work while I grieve .

I have changed. Or should I say IF has changed me. Since the second miscarriage, people love to tell me how "strong" of a woman I am. I don't feel strong at all. I feel weak and feeble-minded. I put on a pretty good disguise when I need to and I can be polite. But inside, is another story.

I don't like who I've become. I don't like that I feel envious of my pregnant friends. I don't like that I find it hard to even look at pictures of my 6-month old nephew. I feel so detached from the rest of the world and all I want to do is blend in. I'm the outcast now. The girl everyone feels sorry for and thanks God that they are not me. The girl who everyone has to pussyfoot around for fear they may offend or upset me.

I used to be the social butterfly. The ENFJ. Footloose and fancy free. I miss that girl. I'm ready to notify the MPB about her. Will she ever come back?

13 comments:

Amy R said...

Oh Kristen, I wish I could give you a big fat hug right now. I can't even imagine to feel the pain you are going through with your losses, but I sure do understand about feeling like all past relationships are going down the craphole due to lack of effort. Its just HARD. I don't have the magic answer because I worry about this all the time too. But we can't change how we are naturally feeling right now. All I hope is that one day, if this door has to be closed for good, that we don't lock ourselves in our grief.

This isn't the most peppy post; I apologize. I just wanted to say ITS OKAY to feel this way.

r_is_moody said...

Kristen, this post sounds so familiar. Everything you have said i have said too. I hate who I have become because of IF, i completely understand what you are saying. And I don't know how to tell you to be ok with who you are because I haven't figured it out either. All i can say is that I am sorry that you are having to wait and ttc again, it's just not fair

Sticky Bun said...

First, I SO hear you about Nicole Ritche...and your comment about Lindsay Lohan made me laugh. I think we'd all lose it if she were next.

And, I'm so sorry you're having a hard time, though I completely understand why. It's all so hard, and it pisses me off that IF has done this to any of us. It's just so unfair.

Take care of yourself, and now that I'm thinking of you...

chicklet said...

On Nicole Richie, sing it sista! On the rest of it, yea, it just fucking sucks. You lose friends, you lose excitement, you lose all sorts of innocence - and to top it all off, you feel GUILTY when you're not excited for them like you would've been. I'm sorry you're still in this:-(

Baby Blankenship said...

It isn't fair and I don't know what to really say except that you deserve the right to feel every piece of anger that you do...you are a strong woman whether you feel you are or not...I love you and I am here for you! I'm sorry for all of your hurt and hope that it is soon healed...

Your Friend Always!!!

Heather said...

Sorry you're feeling like this right now. I'm kind of frustrated with the whole Nicole Ritchie thing too. The Lindsey comment was exactly what I thought.

M said...

Huge cyber hugs are headed your way. I want to tell you that I can totally relate to every word your have said....and it stinks. IF has definately changed who I am.

As for being strong....sadly you are because you are still fighting...so many would not be able to. I with you am tired of being strong...I want to be weak if that is what it takes to get my bring home baby. I know people feel that are praising me...but like you I am sure...I don't want to be praised. I just want to finish my goal like everyone else that has a baby.

Anyway...while I said nothing I want you to know you aren't alone and it is okay to feel that way.

Grad3 said...

I just wanted to say that I know and I completly get it. This road just sucks and while you want to get off of it... you don't want to give up your hopes of mommyhood. It's almost like being forced to pick, it's no longer a choice. How can people praise you for something that was forced on you (that's what I think anyways)? Hang in there...

hope548 said...

That was a very honest and emotion-filled post that I could almost have written myself. IF ruins so much.

Honestly, I think you should give yourself a break. You don't have to feel bad for feeling bad. You've been through a hell of a lot and you have to do what's necessary to protect yourself right now.

I gave up baby showers and if I'm not feeling up to seeing a pregnant friend, then we make other plans. Hope you're feeling happier soon!

Natalie said...

I'm so sorry, sweetie. I wish I could give you a big hug, too. You don't need to feel bad for not being able to be happy right now... for feeling angry and sad. How could you NOT? We all understand. You won't lose ME as a friend, at the very least - even if you need time to yourself. I'll still be here, cheering you on.

Ann said...

This just plain sucks. There's nothing I can say to make you feel better. But I can say that your feelings are completely legitimate and you totally have the right to retreat from friends, both on the boards and IRL.

Tina said...

Kristen,

Found you through Mel over at Stirrup Queens... I am so sorry you had to go through another loss...and then see the Nicole Ritchie fiasco. Sucks all the way around.

I am a recurrent miscarrier - I have been through three myself. As soon as AF shows, we are on to TTC again with Clomid/IUI - we have not been on the TTC bandwagon since my last m/c in 3/06. We can certainly share...

s day said...

You took the words right out of my mouth. I hate who I have become thought IF as well. I feel weak and crazy and like a downer all the time. thank you for sharing your thoughts... so that I know I am not the only one to feel this way.