The Sticky Bean Preconception Journal

Graduation Day

2008-09-10T19:07:00.005-04:00

I've had some time to do some thinking - which is always quite dangerous - and I've decided it is time to close this chapter of my life and move on.

I've always played the role of infertile girl. Even when pregnant, she was still present. My fear was evident. I couldn't let her go.

But now I'm no longer that girl. I have what I've always dreamed of. I've crossed the finish line and graduated from IF hell. My fear manifests itself in a completely different way now. It only makes sense to shift my writing to reflect this change.

This blog began as a sort of diary. A place for me to vent about TTC and loss. It was a "preconception" journal after all. I had no idea I would meet the fabulous women who also shared my unfortunate shoes. I had no idea that I was a member of a community of women just like me. Women who inspire and support me in good times and bad. I had no idea exactly how important this would become to me.

I don't plan to delete this blog. I'll never forget what I went through to get where I am. And I don't ever want to forget. I'd like to think that my experiences could help educate or inspire others who are beginning their journey. Maybe it will be a source of hope. Or at the very least, another voice saying "you are not alone".

So, it's graduation day. I'm moving on to the next phase of my life. Motherhood. Who knows what else is in store.

And I hope you'll join me for chapter two.

Riding the Learning Curve

2008-08-21T17:28:00.000-04:00

I can't believe Nate will be four weeks old on Saturday. If my pregnancy seemed to fly by, parenthood travels at the speed of light. I already look at him with a glimmer of tears for how much he has grown and changed in the short number of days I've known him. He continues to amaze me and make me feel things and realize things I never recognized or acknowledged before.

Every millisecond of my existence is monopolized by this tiny little guy. I'm not complaining. This is more of an explanation for my 2.5 week absence. And an honest admission that the responsibility to fulfill someone's each and every desire and need is well...a bit overwhelming at times. Nate has proven to be quite the clingy baby so I can rarely put him down without protest. Holding him and staring at him will never get old but I am also finding it hard to bathe, eat, pee or get much of anything else done - including my blog writing. A true Momma's Boy, he prefers to cuddle with me so DH can only handle him in short spurts. I wonder how on earth I will ever work from home with him (but we'll save that for another post). I feel so guilty letting him cry while I do things for myself. It breaks my heart to hear him wail. And I know happy mommy = happy baby. But it's hard to be happy when your baby is crying for you and you are "too busy" taking a shower or brushing your teeth to respond quickly.

Sadly, the "babymoon" period of my last post only lasted a short while and reality has long set in. I have to admit the past few weeks have been quite challenging. So challenging, in fact, that I have often thought to myself, "what have you done?". There have been numerous times I've felt like a failure at this whole mommy thing. An imposter. As if I'm desperately trying to be something I'm just...not cut out to be.

But then we survive. We make it through to the next day and I gain more confidence in what we can accomplish. I realize we are still getting to know one another. We've been thrust into living together and we have to adjust to each other's quirks and habits. We're still on that learning curve.

Without further ado, here are some nuggets of wisdom I've learned as a newbie mom:

1.) Witching Hour / Colic

Before I was a mom, I had no idea that it was both normal and common for newborns to receive a Bat Call to scream like a banshee for no apparent reason at the same time each night. Every night from 8pm to 11pm, Nate becomes inconsolable. He's been fed (sometimes overfed to the point of spitting up copious amounts of breastmilk), changed, swaddled, given Gripe Water, given a paci - if he'll take it, rocked, bounced, sung to, played with, held with all the lights turned low. You name it, we've tried it. With minimal success. The only thing that has worked consistently is carrying him in this until he passes out. I'm not sure if it is colic or if it is the witching hour that babies use to test their frazzled, sleep-deprived parents. Whatever it is, it certainly makes me feel useless. I always believed that mothers had this intuitive sense to be able to soothe their children. I am living proof that is not always true. I remain hopeful that this will improve in time.

2.) Breastfeeding

Breastfeeding has been going fabulously overall. I can only say that after I learned a hard lesson about cluster feeding. Around 2 weeks, Nate went through a growth spurt where he was on the boob literally all night long from 7pm to midnight. Which just happened to fall during the witching hour. So we hit the jackpot of suck. If I took the boob away, pervasive screaming ensued - from Nate's mouth and my mind. I broke down and sobbed, wondering if my supply was low and debating whether I should supplement with those tempting formula samples the hospital provided. Sensing my frustration, Nate continued to fuss and scream to the point that his head resembled a beefsteak tomato. I could see the veins in his scalp pulsating. I was afraid he might burst a blood vessel in his face. I scoured the Internet for tips and came upon this site. What a lifesaver! I found out the problem didn't lay with me and the screaming fits were normal. It makes it a bit difficult to leave the rocking chair when he gets like this, but at least I don't have to question myself. This too shall pass. It's all about management. I have DH fix dinner in the evenings while I devote my body to Nate's will. It's our new routine.

3.) Acid Reflux

Nate also seems to have acid reflux, which is another common ailment in newborns. I thought breastfed babies didn't spit up as much as formula-fed babies but Nate seems to defy the odds. Poor thing spits up after almost every feed. I've tried offering just one breast at a feed (but thereby feeding more often) and keeping him upright for 30 minutes after every feed but he still seems to spit up regardless. My new body fragrance is sour milk. But, he doesn't seem to be bothered too much by it so I take it in stride. He's what they call a "happy spitter" for the most part. The pediatrician assures us that as his esophageal sphincter matures, the reflux will fade. I am hoping to avoid medication but still keep him comfy.

4.) Hiccups

And I thought he got them a lot in the womb! He gets a bout of hiccups at least 2-3 times per day. Nothing to worry about but if he gets them after a feed, it seems to trigger the reflux. The Gripe Water really seems to help with any discomfort he does have as a result.

5.) Nakedness

You know those commercials where the baby is naked and smiling and cooing while a model mom rubs baby oil on its bottom? Yeah, well...not in this house. Nate can't stand to have his diaper changed or to be bathed. I've tried to make it more enjoyable for him by singing or talking him through it but he'll have none of it. Ever since his stump fell off at 10 days old, we've tried to make bathtime a fun experience. He would rather sit in his mustardy, seedy poop than have a wipe or washcloth placed on his buttcheek. Guess its a boy thing.

6.) Mom's Physical Recovery

Physically, I'm doing much better down there. But it was a struggle to get here. The recovery from the tears was worse than I thought it would be. It was 2.5 weeks postpartum before I felt somewhat normal again and could finally pee without the Dermoplast. And pooping? Well, let's just say that if I go once a week, it's reason to celebrate. I know part of it is hormones but Colace and Milk of Magnesia can't even make a dent in it.

On a good note, I've lost 30 lbs. of my total 48 lb. weight gain. So, I only have 18 to go. I've started taking Nate on daily jaunts in the park with the stroller and the Ergo so I'm hoping that will help me shed the rest of the flab.

7.) Mom's Emotional Recovery

Emotionally, I'm doing okay. I find that I'm wishy-washy for lack of a better word. I have shed many a tear, missing my pregnancy. Missing feeling him move inside of me. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss the excitement of my growing bump, the showers, the anticipation of his arrival. I look at my belly, just a small pooch, and see the linea negra that serves as the only reminder of how large I once was. I rub it and feel sad that it is no longer taut and round. I spent so much of my pregnancy worrying about loss and I regret not being more carefree and cherishing that time. But yet, I love him so much and I am so thankful to have him here safe and sound. I cry just looking at him, knowing he is mine. Perhaps I have a touch of the baby blues. But I'm sure it is another thing to blame on the damn hormones.

Yes, being a Mommy is a tough job. Maybe harder than I initially believed. But without these struggles, I wouldn't have the vast reward of having my baby stare back at me or watching him laugh and smile in his sleep. I find new reasons to fall in love all over again.

No question. He was definitely worth the wait.

Birth Story

2008-08-03T13:28:00.001-04:00

As promised, here is the long awaited birth story of our baby Nate. I'm sorry it took so long but I wanted to leave no detail uncovered. So, here goes:

I guess it all started on Thursday night. Rob and I went to Walmart to get an exercise ball for me to roll around on while we watch TV. We thought it would help with some of the back pain I was having and since I was still having breathing trouble from a little 7 lb. butt in my rib cage, we thought it might also help move our baby boy down a bit more into my pelvis. I rocked on the ball for about 20 minutes on Thursday night and had some BH contractions afterward. Painless but consistently 8 minutes apart, then 15 minutes apart, until they petered out. During the night, I had a few contractions that were painful enough to wake me from sleeping. But those also went away, leaving me with a sore tummy and zombie-like appearance.

I went to work on Friday - business as usual. I felt okay aside from a few BH. Near the end of the work day, around 4pm, I noticed I had lost my mucus plug. I had lost some tiny pieces over the past few weeks but this time, there was no mistaking that it was the real thing. I got pretty excited, and thought that maybe labor would be coming in the next week or so. Little did I know it would start just an hour later!

Labor began about 5pm Friday, while driving home from work. I was timing the contractions to be about 15 minutes apart and manageable. By 6pm, they were up to 7-10 minutes apart and were getting a bit more uncomfortable. Rob called me on his way home from work and we were able to hold a conversation through the contractions, so we decided to keep timing them and see if they got any closer together or more painful before calling the doctor. They progressed to 5 minutes apart by 9-10pm and I had to now breathe through them. It was hard to focus on anything else when they hit. We called the OB and he said to wait until they were 3 minutes apart and call back. At 11pm, they were 4 minutes apart and I was really struggling. Some of the contractions made me cry because they hurt so badly. After another call to the OB, we finally got the green light to head to the hospital. On the way, the contractions creeped up to 3 minutes apart and Rob had to hold my hand through the majority of them. I questioned whether this was false labor and told him if it was, there was no way I could handle the real thing. We arrived at triage a little after midnight. They performed an internal and I was already at 6cm! So...definitely not false labor as I foolishly suspected! I couldn't believe I had made it that far all on my own at home. They ordered my epidural and admitted me to L&D. We were having a baby and SOON!

I was wheeled into L&D for my IV and labwork. The IV was quite tricky and I had to get stuck 3 or 4 times before finding a good vein. Just when we thought it was in, I started swelling in my arm. The IV had infiltrated, so I had to get stuck yet again. Fun times. In the meantime, my bloodwork showed my platelets were low (72), so they told me an epidural was not an option. My platelets had to be at least 80. I just about had a breakdown. I had only a few hours of sleep in the last 48 hours and was afraid I wouldn't have the energy to push at all, much less au naturale. Even though I said I didn't want it in my birth plan, I asked for Stadol to take the edge off. At this point, contractions were back to back and while I was getting through without screaming or moaning, it was very very hard. I had my mom and Rob breathe with me and I visualized my son moving down the birth canal with each contraction. I got the Stadol around 230am and was able to get a half hour or so of sleep. The anxiety and anticipation were just too much. Although I could still feel the pain of the contractions, it did make me loopy enough to pass out in small intervals. They performed another lab on me to determine my clotting time, which I passed, so they allowed me to get the epidural around 4am. Heaven! I could feel the contractions but they weren't painful at all. I just felt pressure. At the time of the epidural, I was 8cm. The doc told me we'd have our baby boy sometime that morning but to get some sleep in the meantime.

Around 7am, they came in to check me again and I was fully dilated and ready to push. My contractions slowed to every 3-4 minutes but were lasting for about 1.5-2 minutes each. We decided to give it a try without Pitocin and take advantage of resting in between the pushes. After pushing for nearly 2 hours and a nasty 2nd degree tear, Nathaniel Robert was born at 8:58am on July 26, 2008 at 38 weeks, 2 days gestation. He was 7 lbs. 11 ounces (!) and 19 inches long. I was surprised he was so big this early, since Rob was 6 lbs. 5 ounces at birth and I was 7 lbs. 5 ounces at birth. But, he was perfectly healthy. He scored 9 & 9 on his Apgars and was working on securing his horror movie acting career by showcasing his strong lungs. I will never forget the sound of his first cry. I just broke down in tears. I had never heard a more beautiful sound in the world. And when they placed him on my chest, all bloody and mucousy, I just stared in awe. I couldn't believe that Rob and I created this little life. There were just so many emotions floating around in the air. I delivered the placenta and got stitched up while family got to meet him for the first time. It was so surreal that I had just given birth. To my son. And it still feels that way, 8 days later.

I wasn't sure how Rob would handle the delivery but he was a pro. He was the greatest coach - pushed me when I was losing motivation but at the same time, comforted me in all of my angst, anxiety and excitement. He was "all up in my bidness" through the entire pushing process and now says he has a whole new respect for me and for women in general. He says it was an experience he will never forget and not for a second does he wish he didn't have the front row seat. He even got me a card in the hospital telling me how proud and amazed he is at how well I handled myself during the birth of our son. He has been a doting husband and father and I think I've fallen in love with him all over again. I'm not sure if it is a babymoon phase or what but we've taken to parenting like ducks to water. We love our new life of poop, pee, breastmilk, spit up and crying. Not that it is easy, don't get me wrong. I'm more exhausted than I've ever been in my entire life. I can't remember the last time I shaved my legs or blow-dried my hair. Time seems to vaporize these days. It's just that we've always been up for the challenge and now that it is here, we welcome it with open arms. How could I complain?

I am still sore from the tear (I tore up near my urethra as well as down into the perineum a bit - thank goodness for Dermoplast!) and I'm pretty sure my rectum resembles the Rockies right about now but it is totally worth it when I look at my baby boy. We had troubles trying to breastfeed in the hospital but since we've been home, it is a million times better. My nipples were pretty cracked and were bleeding but that has faded over time - I guess they just had to adjust to their new purpose. The pediatrician said he has a frenulum and recommended that it be clipped to get a better latch or prevent speech problems as he grows. However, our lactation consultant said that if breastfeeding is not terribly painful and he is gaining weight, she didn't see the need to have it clipped. At the time of discharge (Sunday), Nate was 7 lbs., 7 ounces. On Tuesday, he was down to 7 lbs., 3 ounces. My milk came in with a vengeance on Tuesday night, complete with engorgement (porn star boobage and all!). And as of Friday, he was up to 7 lbs., 8 ounces. So, I think we are going to avoid a trip to the oral surgeon for now.

I'm so head over heels for this little guy. In 8 days, my whole life has changed and I couldn't imagine it any other way.

Rob and Kris, Plus Nate

2008-07-28T12:51:00.001-04:00

Nathaniel Robert

Born July 26, 2008

8:58am

7 lbs., 11 ounces

19 inches long

Birth story to follow shortly! I'm still in the process of documenting everything that happened from the blur of the last few days, being that I've gotten a cumulative 4-5 hours of sleep in that time frame.

I feel like the Grinch. My heart has grown at least 3 sizes since I laid eyes on him. I never knew I could love another human being so much.

So Long 'Ole Pal

2008-07-25T16:31:00.002-04:00

Bye bye mucus plug.

I'm convinced that is what I just scraped out of my undies. The total accumulation was quite impressive - similar in width and height to a stack of 3-4 quarters. Gummy in consistency. Almost resembling EWCM but more amber. No bloody show yet though. I'd been having small stringy pieces on my pantiliner for days now but this was definitely more quantity and...should I say...quality?

I was also up all last night with wicked contractions. After rolling around on my exercise ball for a bit, I began to get BH but didn't think much of it. They were inconsistent and painless. Some coming every 8 minutes and then every 13 minutes until they petered out. Overnight, I got some painful ones I had to breathe through. Felt like bad AF cramps that radiated to my back. However, those were also inconsistent and faded over time. They just left me in a sleepless, cranky daze with a sore crotch and belly.

Not sure if any of this means anything but at least there is action to keep me on my toes. We're in wait and see mode.

A Matter of When, Not If

2008-07-23T16:30:00.003-04:00

*OB appointment alert*

Had my 38 week appointment this morning. And...

I'm 3.5 cm dilated and 80% effaced. That silence? That is me as my eyes bug out of their sockets and my mouth could catch flies.

The OB said that Sunshine's head is "very low" and at this point, we are just waiting on him to decide on his birthday. My body is actually trying to coerce him out. To tell you the truth, I'm afraid to squat and use the bathroom for fear he may plop into the toilet. Do you think I could just walk into the hospital and ask for an epidural now?

She casually mentioned that she is on call this weekend should I go into labor. But the thought of it happening so quickly is surreal. I mean, we are ready. The nursery is finished - aside from a few tiny, random things that haven't arrived yet. We have all the necessary items to take care of a newborn and more. The anticipation is killing me softly. But I'm still in shock whenever I hear I make progress.

She said that with said progress, it is likely I will have a fairly short labor, whenever it does happen. Less than half a day. So it's a good thing those bags are packed. Now, if I can just load them all into the Jeep tonight, we'll be in business. After all, they won't do any good sitting at home on the floor if my water breaks while I'm in BRU finishing up the last of my registry shopping.

I hope that my next update is the one we've all been waiting for. Until then, I wait earnestly and enjoy these last weeks being the closest I'll ever be to my baby boy. As uncomfortable as it is to have a 7 lb. baby using my ribs as a chair or an ottoman, I never want to forget the sensation. I don't want to forget any of it. I wish I could bottle it up somehow so I will always remember this time. I want to meet him so badly but it is hard to think of letting it go and entering the next phase. Will I be a good mom? Will I know what to do to fulfill his needs? It's all just so new and I know these worries are common at this point. I just want to do right by him and give him the life he deserves. I worried so much of this pregnancy away. Now, I want these memories to stay with me and not to ever fade. I want to enjoy it while it lasts.

Two Words

2008-07-17T13:29:00.005-04:00

*P-word and related topics below*

Full term. 37 weeks. However, you want to say it, it's music to my ears.

I had my 37 week appointment yesterday, a day early. I didn't have to suffer through another internal, which was actually a relief. I really don't miss the cramping and slight spotting from the one just last week. So, I can deal with the suspense of waiting another week to see if I've dilated or effaced more. I did find out my GBS swab was negative so no IV antibiotics for me. Woot! Sunshine is still being a good boy and seems comfortable in his head down position. The OB estimated his birth weight to be in the "high 7's". DH was 6 lbs. 5 oz. at birth and I was 7 lbs. 5 oz. so it appears he is following in Mommy's footsteps. I realize this is an arbitrary number but he seems to be average all over. Perfectly average - and I couldn't ask for or possibly want more.

Physically, I'm noticing even more changes than my super swelling belly. I've been growing skin tags all over my belly and boobs. A new one seems to sprout up everyday. They are tiny and flesh-colored but so annoying. They itch and sometimes, it is hard to tell them apart from a clogged pore. I find myself scratching them and they bleed. I'm hoping they go away after birth but we'll see. I might just have to put up with these new, uninvited moochers.

The first trimester fatigue is now resurging again. I'm napping more after work and going to bed earlier. I'm sure it has to do with the fact that my sleep each night is interrupted between urinating 200 times, hip or back pain and heartburn. Again, nature's way of preparing me for waking up with a newborn to feed every hour or two. My body seems to have its own internal alarm clock now. I have the waddling down pat and I know I stick out like a sore thumb, being penguins don't live in 90 degree habitats. But, I'm taking it all in stride. It won't be too much longer and all of these changes are necessary to make it to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

As for material progress, the hospital bag is 95% packed (just need chargers for the electronics and an extra outfit for DH, which seems to be very difficult for him to choose. C'mon! It's not Sex and the City for pete's sake!). The diaper bag is also packed and ready to go. The only things left on the to-do list are:

Get the car seat base inspected
Pick up nursery end table from Ikea
Purchase final registry items (swing, PNP sheets and other random things)
Write out thank you cards for most recent shower
Clean the apartment as much as my nesting instinct and body will allow

To think that he could literally come at any moment now is just...undescribable. We've purchased all the essentials so if he does decide to join us early, we are prepared. I'm so ready to meet him. And yet I'm not. I always feel there is more to be done that could make things just a little bit more perfect. I guess I will feel that way for the rest of my life. Nothing will ever be clean enough or organized enough. But 'tis life. I'm actually relaxing a bit from the nesting urge. My body is quickly reaching its limitations. I can't bend over like I used to and I can't just keep going like the Energizer bunny as I used to. I have to slow down and just do what I can do. The rest will have to wait. Interesting how nature takes care of this mental vs. physical debate for you.

I look at the bags waiting by the door in bewilderment. A symbol of change to come. Someday soon, we will be grabbing them and rushing to put them in the car. We will be driving off to the hospital to meet our son. And when we come back to the apartment, we will be different people. With a tiny addition.

I stare at the Pack 'n Play that is now set up in our bedroom, imagining what it will be like to fill the bassinet with a baby. Our baby.

I hold up his little newborn diapers in amazement. Quite possibly the cutest pair of underwear I've ever seen. So small. And yet one day soon my son will poop or pee in them. And even that is undeniably cute.

I do a lot of daydreaming recently, as you can see. Even at work, I find myself drifting off. August 1st is my tentative last day of work and it can't come soon enough. I have a sneaky suspicion this little guy will come on August 2nd, just because I'm not cut out for R&R.

The Power of 1

2008-07-11T11:51:00.003-04:00

Had my 36 week appointment this morning, which means I got my first internal. Officially 1cm dialated and about 75% effaced. I suspected the AF-type cramps and pressure I'd been feeling was doing something.

The internal itself was not pleasant. It HURT. I guess because my cervix is pretty thinned out, it was far up inside. It felt like the OB had his whole hand shoved up there. I was expecting it to feel more like a pap but this was definitely more...invasive. It doesn't help that I haven't DTD in months so I haven't been accustomed to things going IN the vag. But enough whining. It's not going to get any better with labor and delivery so it will be something I need to get used to - and fast.

I also had my GBS swab and will get the results next Wednesday at my next appointment. Hopefully, it is negative but I'm not stressing over it. If it is positive, it just means I need to get to the hospital quickly so I can have an IV bag of antibiotics. Certainly doable. But it would be nice not to have to worry about it at all.

It's a relief to know that my body is doing what it should be doing at this point. After dealing with a pair of lazy, incompetent ovaries and a cranky uterus for years, it is a nice change of pace to have my cervix behaving - despite having a LEEP 4 years ago.

I am well aware that I could sit here at 1cm for a long time and I "shouldn't get too excited" but I can't help but smile when I think that I am that much closer to the big day. Something is better than nothing.

Love Lost and Love Gained

2008-07-09T19:41:00.005-04:00

One year ago today, I had just learned that our Snowflake had passed.

I still think about her and it brings tears to my eyes. I miss her so much. I remember the pain so vividly. And yet, I can't help but recognize how my life is so different now.

A year later, I now have a baby boy inside of me that I love so dearly. And if I had my Snowflake, I never would have had my Sunshine. I can't picture my life any differently. It's so funny (well, not so funny actually) how life hands you these twists and turns. Last year, on this very day, I was wondering if I'd ever have a living child and here I am with an imminent arrival. He sure works in mysterious ways.

So, today, I reflect on the love I lost. I will never forget my second sweet angel and can't wait to hold her in my arms one day when I leave this earth. But it also makes me appreciate each day - each moment - with the love I've gained. Grateful just isn't a strong enough word to capture how I feel.

30 Days

2008-07-07T10:01:00.000-04:00

*For the sensitive: pregnancy mentioned*

We're on the official countdown now - 30 days and some odd hours to go. On one hand, the thought of meeting my son in just a month is so exciting that I can hardly wrap my brain around it. I imagined getting this far along as a SIG (sad infertile girl) but never really believed it would happen. I guess I was too scared to think it was more than a fantasy. Yet I now have a little guy who loves to wake me up with his rolls every morning - not the freshly baked ones but I'll prefer these any day of the week. On the other hand, as the days tick by, I am threatened by the real possibility that he could arrive at anytime and I am not yet completely prepared. We have 99% of the necessities but as a first time mom-to-be, I just want everything to be perfect. I really need to let go of this newfound Type A-ness that has been dominant lately. Repeat to self - we will get there eventually. It. will. be. okay.

I had my third and final baby shower yesterday. Don't worry - pics will be coming as soon as my mom figures out how to utilize technology. We are now on our own as far as baby supplies goes. Our family and friends have been so generous that we only have several "larger" purchases to make prior to Sunshine's arrival - breastpump, nightstand, swing, etc. I can't believe how lucky our little guy is. I look around his nursery at the overflowing bags of goodies and the beautiful furniture and am in awe of how much he is loved and he is not even here yet.

Speaking of breastpumps: if you are in the market for one, please visit this site. I have their price list and they have the best prices out there that I've seen. Plus free shipping and no tax (unless you live in NJ). You can email me for the list and I will forward it to you if you are interested.
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Week 35 has been one of change. Up to this point, I have had it relatively easy. Feeling great. No complaints, really. That is beginning to shift now that I am entering my 9th month. The uncomfortableness is setting in. No, I'm not intending to whine. I'm just noticing how my body is changing and how I have to adapt and manage these new, not-so-fun p-word side effects.

First, the swelling has set in. Several weeks ago, I had to take off my wedding rings. They were starting to get a tad tight and I didn't want to risk getting them stuck or having to get them cut off. So, I voluntarily removed them, vowing to put them on again as soon as I was able. I've disliked walking around without them. I feel naked. Not to mention that I feel self-conscious, as if I'm a single mom. But it is a necessary evil in these final weeks.

On July 4th, we went out on a friend's boat for a short cruise. Unfortunately, the weather didn't cooperate. And neither did my feet. At the end of the ride, my toes looked like little Vienna sausages. I could hardly move them. It was not a pretty sight. I kept them as elevated as much as possible and pumped so much water into my body that I thought my stomach might explode. That seemed to do the trick so I chalked it up to too many salty appetizers.

Sleep is pretty much nonexistent at this point. I wake up every two hours to a pulsating bladder. A bladder that when emptied, is quite disappointing with regard to quantity. How can it feel like I have a gallon of urine to get rid of and yet only a few trickles actually exit? I get wicked heartburn regardless of when I last ate, so the Tums raid has become a nightly ritual. Also, the hip/nerve pain has gradually become excruciating. Laying on my back is a no-no but laying on my side gives me sciatica. So, I'm forced to pretty much sleep in an upright position. My cumulative sleep is probably about 3-4 hours on a "good" night. I don't know how I get my job done as a walking zombie but I somehow find a way. I consider this good practice for when we're in the company of a newborn. But you better believe I'm waiting anxiously for maternity leave to begin.

All of these signs are a blessing in disguise. While I may think of it as misery sometimes, I know deep down inside that it all means I am getting closer to that ultimate moment. Mother Nature can dish out as much of it as she wants if it means I'll be holding my baby boy one month from now.

In Which More Time Passes

2008-06-30T11:30:00.009-04:00

It's been a week again. My bad. Time just keeps passing me by. I almost wish it would slow down a little so I could catch my breath. Can you believe it will be July tomorrow? JULY! Where did June go?

First of all, I have to comment on the BFP bonanza going on in the blogworld. Between my girls Alison, Mel and JJ, I'm about to go into preterm labor over here. Give them lots of love while they anxiously wait for glimpses of their little uterine inhabitants.

ETA: Forgive my preggo brain, but don't forget to stop by and congratulate Samantha! She has been through hell and back on her IVF journey and could use some hugs right now as well.

*P-word and baby talk below*

My 34 week appointment went well last week. Fundal height was right where it should be. Heart rate showed a "happy and healthy baby boy". Doctor's words - not mine, I swear. BP was nice and low. Weight is okay (+36 lbs.). I was hoping to gain less than 40 overall but whatever. I eat when I'm hungry, which just so happens to be about every 2 hours, and I've passed the point of freaking out over weight gain. I just want to get through the next several weeks and if that means stuffing my face with milkshakes, Jello, and Italian Ice - so be it. A pregnant woman has to subsist in this heat and so far, that is my only means of survival.

My next appointment at 36 weeks will entail a Group B Strep (GBS) swab and my first cervical check. I was really starting to like not having to drop my panties at my appointments and now we're back to everyone and their brother viewing my most private areas. Guess I better get accustomed to it now since L&D will be the ultimate display in Cooch-E-Vision.

We are still making progress towards preparing for our Sunshine. We interviewed a pediatrician last Wednesday and we felt comfortable enough to decide to give her a try. It is a multi-group practice about 5 miles from our apartment and they have evening and weekend hours for acute care. All of the doctors have their own cell phones and we were encouraged to call at anytime if we had any questions. Being first time parents, I have no doubt we will overreact and need extra reassurance so this was a big deal to us. They also have 2 lactation consultants on staff to assist with breastfeeding. Again, a big plus for me being a first timer. We discussed the vaccine controversy and they are very flexible. Although they recommend following the American Academy of Pediatrics timeline, they will allow the parents to modify if that is their choice. While I will most likely stick to the standard schedule, I like having the option to split up the shots so too many aren't given at one time or to delay a shot if it makes me feel more at ease.

There were only 2 minor issues. Our pediatrician will be on vacation right around our due date. Not a huge deal - we will just have to meet with another doctor in the practice for the first couple of visits. I'm okay with that. The other issue is that this particular practice does not have rights at the hospital where I will deliver so I will have to use a house pediatrician to assess the baby right after birth. Again, not a big deal but something to keep in mind for the future.

Overall, I feel good to have crossed that off the master list.

The nursery is still coming along. I bought a closet shelf organizer this weekend to maximize space. However, we are in a holding pattern until our glider and changing table arrive, which should be sometime in the next week. Then, I'll have more pics to share with all of you.

I think our apartment is the cleanest it has ever been thanks to my nesting. Those rumors are totally true. I woke up yesterday at 630am with an INTENSE urge to clean. I Swiffered the floors, washed the dishes, wiped the counters down with Lysol wipes, cleaned the toilets, vacuumed, did some laundry. We're talking on my hands and knees at some points, vacuuming and scrubbing in crevices I never knew existed. I was just "in the zone" and nothing was going to stop me. It had to get done at that exact moment or I was going to hurt someone. It was THAT bad. My back was terribly sore after working so hard but man does it feel good to sit back and enjoy a clean living space. Now, if I could just stop DH from making a mess of it again, I'll be in business.

Next on the OCD to-do list:

Pack hospital bag, preferably before 36 weeks
Buy nursing bras/tanks and granny panties for hospital bag
Clean out vehicles, as DH uses them as trash recepticles
Have carseats inspected before 37 weeks

And, as if two showers weren't enough, I am about to have my third and final baby shower this Sunday (I know, I know, I'm walking funny because I have a horseshoe up my butt). The first shower was for work and the second was friends and family. However, we have a lot of 0ut-of-state family flying in for a reunion of sorts and they want to have a shower for me while they are in town. I can't wait to see everyone, as I haven't seen many of them since our wedding. It makes me giddy that everyone is so excited over our impending arrival. If he only knew how much he was already loved, he would certainly decide to stick around, right? I want nothing more in this world.

Progress

2008-06-23T22:20:00.001-04:00

*Pregnancy talk and pictures below*

33 weeks, 4 days. Approximately 6-7 weeks to go - or to be more exact, 45 days until D-Day. When it's broken down that way, it seems so close. Dang.

Last weekend, my dear friend Holly threw me a surprise baby shower! I was expecting lunch with her at this cute little new restaurant but instead, I had friends and family waiting there for me to celebrate. It was truly one of the happiest times of my life. I am so indebted to her for the time and effort she put in to make this day so special for me. Between the cake, the games, the lunch...it was just too much. The shock took days to wear off. Everyone was so incredibly generous. We got tons of loot - clothes (our son will never be naked!), wipes, a diaper bag, our bedding set, blankets, an exersaucer. The list goes on and on.

If anyone wants to see a slideshow of pictures from the shower, click here.

The nesting instinct that has been lingering for over a month has now officially manifested itself inside me. I have an intense desire to clean the house and finish the nursery, even if I have several weeks in which to get it all together. I've ordered the changing table/dresser combo and the glider, both of which should be arriving in early July. Mainly, I wanted an excuse to wash all of his clothes and fold them 197 times. And a place to sit and dream about holding my baby. We've painted the wall letters and most of the wall decor. Just in need of some wall putty to hang them up. I've set up an appointment for a meet 'n greet with a pediatrician on Wednesday night. I've made a list of what I need to pack in my hospital bag. And I've made sure our carseat fit in both of our vehicles. Amazingly, the Graco SafeSeat fit in DH's 2-door Civic. It took a little maneuvering but we made it work. We're making progress.

The proof is in the pudding and I have evidence that I haven't really been slacking:

The "Before"

The "After"

Now with the bedding

Loads of loot, just waiting on baby

Our "stand-in"

Boobs and Bottles and Bras...Oh My!

2008-06-13T21:09:00.002-04:00

Happy Friday the 13th to all my readers!

*P-word alert*

32 weeks as of yesterday. For some reason, this mini-milestone is a big accomplishment to me. I know my little brownie is still a bit gooey inside and needs to continue baking but it somehow makes me feel safe to know that if he absolutely had to arrive, at this very moment, odds are he would have no long-term complications. I still find it hard to trust this finicky uterus of mine so I like having a sort of warranty in case she decides to act a fool. Each day we get closer, I feel more at ease. Much more optimistic. This is really going to happen.

Our 32 week appointment was happily uneventful. After measuring 2 weeks ahead at my last appointment and scaring me into believing I was growing a football player in my belly, he measured right on this time. Maybe it was his position? BP is a steady 100/70. Weight is about +33 lbs. All is consistent and all is good.

We had our breastfeeding class on Wednesday night. Let me start by saying that breastfeeding is one of those issues I feel extremely uneasy about. Maybe even more so than labor and delivery. While considered "natural" by society, it seems that many of the moms I know have had terrible experiences, or bailed out because it was harder than they thought. Let's face it: when I hear about cracked, bleeding nipples, it doesn't sound so appealing to me - or to anyone for that matter. So, I feel like I'm facing Mt. Everest by deciding to breastfeed. While I'm not opposed to formula feeding - I was a formula-fed baby after all and I like to think I turned out just fine - I feel like the benefits of breastfeeding are just too good to pass up. Knowing ahead of time how all-consuming it can be and how much pressure there is, I am even more determined to make it work. Call me a stubborn ass but I'm going to do everything in my power to do this. I think the scary part is that breastfeeding is a partnership between my body and my baby. Both parties have to work together to be successful. So, there comes the whole trust thing again. How do I know my body will hold up its end of the deal? What if the baby just "doesn't get the hang of it"? So many unknowns = lack of control = stressed out Kristen. That's my Type A revealing its ugly self...

Anyway, back to the class. I was pretty clueless going in, aside from some advice I've picked up along the way, so I felt like I got my money's worth from it. The LC was not a bottle nazi, which I appreciated. I had myself stressed over whether I should choose standard neck or wide neck bottles, and she clarified that it doesn't matter which one you use, as long as the baby wraps his/her lips around the wide portion of the nipple and not just the short, elongated portion. I received some references as to breastmilk storage (for pumping), diet, safe meds, nursing bras, etc. I also learned 3 holding positions (cradle, reverse cradle and football) that were really helpful. We even got to practice on little baby dolls. My little boy looked as though he was going to feast on my nipple (he had itty bitty teeth) but thankfully, we avoided a live version of Child's Play and I made it through the session unscathed. For the record, I think reverse cradle is my favorite.

All in all, I think we have a plan. Of course, it is flexible - it needs to be - but it helps me to map out my goals. Writing it out gives me something to strive for. I will exclusively breastfeed for the first 4 weeks. I will also be pumping to save up a supply for returning to work. If all is going smoothly, after 4 weeks, DH will introduce a bottle. Hopefully, there will be no nipple confusion at this point. From there, we will alternate boob and bottle and hope for the best. At around 6 months, I will introduce solids and start to wean off the boob. I may continue to pump until 1 year but my initial goal is 6 months. We'll see how it goes. All I can do is give it a try and adjust as needed.

DH and I are also in the process of choosing a pediatrician. My OB has given me a deadline of 34 weeks so I don't have much time. I think I may have found one but I need to set up a time to interview the doc and make sure that we see eye to eye on things. Like vaccines. I'd like to pretty much stay on the recommended schedule but maybe delay the MMR until 18 months or 2 years. I haven't fully decided but it would be nice to bounce some ideas off of a professional and see how flexible they are. I think there should be a balance between physician recommendation and patient-led care, especially when it comes to my child.

On a more fun note, we finally put up the crib. Our spare room is slowly becoming a nursery. I walk by and see the empty crib and the feelings of anticipation build up. We still have alot to do but I can't wait for it all to come together.

Guess Who

2008-06-09T19:20:00.003-04:00

...is in labor right now as I type? No, not me, silly.

Go show her some love! Mini Vann will be here in no time!

Craziness Breeds Confidence

2008-06-05T20:50:00.004-04:00

FYI: If you haven't already visited, please stop by and congratulate Trish on her new baby boy. He was born a week ago at 26 weeks due to severe Pre-E and is such a little fighter, but your prayers and hugs would be much appreciated.
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I'm sorry it's been a week since my last post. It's been nuttier than squirrel turds at work. One of those weeks where if I weren't pregnant, I'd be partaking in happy hour for sure. Instead, I manage my frustration by stuffing my face with food. Seems like a fair compromise to me.

The weather has also been crazy in these parts. It is starting to feel like summer - with temps in the 80's and 90's. We had a tornado watch yesterday, complete with wind gusts up to 75mph. I came home to no power, which means no TV, laptop, air conditioning or stove. Utter hell for someone who is 8 months pregnant. Thankfully, the power came back on in the middle of the night so we only had to do without for about 6 hours. Many people in MD were still left with no electric as of this afternoon so we were fortunate.

Because of the insanity, I'm almost a week behind on NaComLeavMo. I'm going to do my best to catch up because I really don't want to bow out, but I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed at how much I have to catch up on. Say it with me - I suck.
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*P-word talk and pics from this point forward*

You're probably wondering how the birth class went. I can't say I learned much that I didn't already know but I do find that I have a newfound sense of confidence. I CAN do this. I have a whole new perspective - one of determination and contentment. Labor doesn't seem so frightening anymore.

DH and I practiced relaxation techniques including massage, the birthing ball, and breathing. We discussed the different types of pain management offered at the hospital and decided which ones we are comfortable with (epidural) and which ones we would like to avoid, if possible (narcotics). We watched several videos - one of a vaginal birth, one of a c-section and one about bringing home baby. We even had our hospital tour. I remember looking around the room and thinking to myself that we could be in that very same room in just 8 weeks (more or less). I find myself drifting away and imagining what our birth experience could be like. Of course, you can never really prepare for something like that. So unexpected and unbelievable. But it makes me feel good to stay positive and keep my mind focused on the prize.

I think DH also got a lot from this. Ever since it ended, he has been really pumped up about being my coach and taking an active interest in the birth. I think he definitely feels more connected to the baby as a result. His unabashed excitement keeps me going and we feed off of each other's energy. We both feel ready. Ready to meet this little guy. I just hope this enthusiasm continues to build over the coming weeks. It's invigorating to let go of the fear long enough to let this feeling wash over me.
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My boss did finally give me some pics from my surprise shower. I promise to upload them and share them soon, even though I look like a tool with no makeup and a stupified grin.

In the meantime, since the last ones I shared were from 11 weeks ago, I'll leave you with some belly pics taken last week at 30 weeks. We're getting there, baby. We're getting there.

Back to Boring

2008-05-30T10:44:00.000-04:00

*P-word appointment discussed*

30 weeks. We're in the final stretch. 10 more weeks - maybe less - until I hold my baby boy in my arms. What a thought. It almost brings tears to my eyes, except that I can hardly believe it myself.

I couldn't be happier to share that I passed the 3-hour GTT. That sound you hear is me exhaling as I wipe the sweat from my brow. If I had to go all summer without a snowball or ice cream, I would be one miserable pregnant woman. Instead, I can indulge in a slice of cheesecake without putting myself or my little one in harm's way. We're back to boring. And I love it.

BP is good. Sunshine's heart rate is perfect. Weight is consistent with 1 lb. a week (about +32 lbs so far). My fundal height is measuring about 32 weeks but my OB said that although it is a bit big, it is completely normal. Does this mean I have a big boy on my hands? I hope he doesn't get TOO big because I can't imagine pushing out an 8 or 9 lb. baby vaginally.

I asked her about safe bug repellents, as I'm being eaten alive every time I attempt an outdoor exercise routine. She said that pregnant women have a different PH level that makes us more susceptible to mealtime for insects. She recommended natural citronella oil or Off Spray for Babies, so I'll be hitting the drugstore at some point this weekend to ward off the buggers.

The most exciting part of the appointment was finding that he is officially head down. Hopefully, he stays that way and he's just an early bird like his Mommy. His movements are becoming less swift kicks and more bumps, bulges, and belly quakes. I guess he is slowly running out of room in that Ole' Ute. This week, I've finally been able to identify hiccups. They are really soft, rhythmic taps every few seconds inside below my bellybutton. They last for about 10-15 minutes. Sometimes, I can see him jump from the outside. At first, it made me grin to think he was drinking too fast or breathing in fluid. But then I noticed that he gradually becomes irritated and unsettled as the hiccups continue. So, I reasoned that perhaps the hiccups are of the more painful variety and now, I just rub my belly and assure him it will all be over soon.

This weekend is our birth class. I am looking forward to it, although I'm not really sure what to expect. Even if I don't learn much more than I've already researched, it will be good for DH to see all that is involved and assume his role as my coach and support. We'll also have our hospital tour so we'll get to see what's in store for us. It's unbelievable to think that I could be delivering there soon. Blows my mind.

I'm aware that I owe you guys a belly pic. I promise I'll have DH take one tonight so I can share it with everyone. I feel humongous and it doesn't help that people keep commenting that "I can't believe you have to go all summer long! That must be a BIG baby!". I should be proud of my big bump but instead, I find myself ashamed and self-conscious. Hopefully, along with growing a little human, I can also grow a backbone over the next few weeks and tell people to piss off. Sweetly of course.

Round Two With Orange Goo

2008-05-27T21:51:00.010-04:00

I had my 3-hour GTT this morning. All I can say is thank goodness it's over. 4 blood draws later (fasting glucose and then one blood draw for each hour after drinking the orange gloop) left me with arms resembling those of a heroin addict but I'm happy to report that I survived. Now, my fate rests in the hands of the lab. I can call in Thursday afternoon for the results, if they aren't available during my routine appointment that morning.

I got a little nauseous and shaky from fasting for 12 hours. I felt dizzy and wondered if I might pass out or puke on the floor. But neither actually happened. There was another woman there for her 3-hour, so we immediately formed a kinship to pass the time. We got to talking and wouldn't you know that she was pregnant with twins from IVF? Her husband was diagnosed with MFI and she had PCOS so they went straight to IVF and were lucky enough to conceive their daughter on the first try. Their twins were conceived on their first FET. It was nice to communicate with someone who was a fellow IFer rather than someone who just wanted to moan and groan about an "oops" pregnancy. I would have surely had to bury my nose in a book in that instance. But I was fortunate enough to be spared and enjoy some good conversation from someone who gets the anxiety, the stress, the gratefulness and the appreciation of such a miracle. Sometimes it feels like there are so few of us in real life even though there is strength in numbers in my online world.
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After my crappy Thursday last week with the test results, I had the best surprise on Friday when my co-workers threw me a shower! My boss tricked me into thinking we were having my annual review but when we opened the door, everyone was standing in this beautifully decorated room with food and gifts galore, shouting "Surprise!". I stood there, stunned - and apparently red in the face as everyone commented on my cardinal hue. It figures it happened on a casual Friday so I was dressed down and not wearing any makeup. But it didn't really matter.

FYI - for those of you who get as turned on by food as I do, the menu included: an edible arrangement including chocolate dipped fruit, Amish friendship bread, lemon poppyseed muffins, bagels, and cinnamon buns. Did I tell you that I love these people?

I have to say that Sunshine made out like a bandit. Everyone was so generous. I am still in shock. I sat there opening presents as a guest of honor and was in utter disbelief. I remember thinking to myself, this isn't happening. This must be for someone else. It can't be for me. Can it? Remind me again, am I truly, dare I say, pregnant?

I don't have any pics yet from my boss but as soon as I get some, I'll be sure to share. I will also try to organize the gifts and take a photo so everyone can see.
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NaComLeavMo sort of snuck up on me this weekend but I finally caught up tonight with 15 comments. I am so excited to meet new people and read new experiences. It feels like the first day of school all over again.
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Remember, I mentioned a few posts back about family drama? Well, I've finally written out my feelings here. The post is password-protected so if you care to read and comment, please email me for the magic word.

Don't worry - I won't be abandoning Sticky Bean anytime soon. This is just an alternate, more private space for me to bitch and moan, if anyone cares to listen to such things. Feel free to offer me more cheese with my whine.

The Smell of Failure

2008-05-22T11:20:00.004-04:00

I just got the news that I failed the 1-hour GTT. Totally took the wind right out of my sails.

I thought I was doing so well with my diet. I really haven't been a sugar fanatic at all and have been trying to eat healthier in the past few months. Lots of fruits and veggies. It makes me sick to think that my body or my food choices could be hurting my son.

My 3-hour test is on Tuesday. I pray that my pancreas can pull through on that one.

Making My Day

2008-05-19T11:23:00.003-04:00

I'm delighted to announce that I've been granted the You Make My Day award by both Katie and Farah. This is just what I needed on a blah Monday morning. Those girls definitely have been a huge support system for me (as well as numerous others in our community) and they put a smile on my face everyday when I go to check in on their blogs. You both have no idea what this means to me - thank you so much! Okay, as I'm on the edge of hormonal tears, I have to choose several more bloggers who make my day:

Chicklet @ Bloorb This!

Hilary @ The Trying Game

Geohde @ Mission Impossible

Meghan @ A Little Sweetness

Doc Grumbles @ Dr. Grumbles I Presume

R&R @ Roadblocks and Rollercoasters

There are so many more of you who I would like to recognize. If you're listed on my blogroll (or even if you're not!), believe me, you make my days brighter. It amazes me that you all have read my ramblings for close to 20 months now and still decide to come back time and time again. I am so lucky to have friends like you.

28 Weeks: The Boredom Continues

2008-05-15T20:58:00.003-04:00

*Preggo talk below*

28 weeks today. If Sunshine were to be born this week, he would have a 90% chance of surviving (with some assistance, of course). I am still hoping he stays in the oven for many more weeks but I am feeling good about those odds.

With this mini-milestone comes another OB appointment. I had my glucose tolerance test (GTT) today. It wasn't nearly as bad as I had anticipated. I thought the orange liquid would be gloopy like syrup. Instead, it was just like a flat, orange Shasta. Sweet and made my tummy a little upset but tolerable. The hardest part was not eating anything after my small breakfast. I need my mid-morning snack and my lunch around noon. Eating has definitely become a sport for which I could easily attain a bronze medal if it were included in the Olympic Games.

However, despite my constant grazing, the OB was content with my weight gain (about +28-29 lbs). My blood pressure was a healthy 102/64. And Sunshine's heart rate was somewhere around 160. So, no surprises there. Still happily accepting the position of "boring OB patient". He did kick the doppler twice and my belly moved in waves as he tried to dodge the pressure on my abdomen. He really didn't appreciate the invasion of his living space. He also kicks pretty much anytime I innocently rest my hand or arm on my belly - aggressively I might add. He has definitely claimed it as his own. Vacant real estate has become quite valuable in the land of U'trus so I can totally understand his frustration - even if it secretly makes me giggle. Feisty little guy.

I also had my Rho-gham shot today. It stung a little but no biggie. Odds are Sunshine has Daddy's RH+ blood and not Mommy's rare RH- so it was one of those necessary evils.

Not much else to report. Just the norm. I should only get a call from the OB if I happen to fail so I hope not to hear from them before my next appointment in two weeks.
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I couldn't help but sneak a peek off of my registries this week - I know, bad girl! - and noticed that the first few items have been purchased! I am so excited. I believe my shower will be sometime next month, although the exact date is a surprise. I just can't comprehend how this is all coming together.

I stare at the items in the unfinished nursery and can't imagine having a baby in the flesh to wear the clothes or play with the toys. But at the same time, I am so eager to have him here. I find myself drifting off and daydreaming about what he might look like in those adorable sleepers. What toys might make him smile or laugh. Or what his cries might sound like as I lay in bed, waiting for sleep to take over. I'm so attached to the idea already.

So far, I have to say I have enjoyed this pregnancy. It has gone quite smoothly, aside from a few small hurdles which we managed to sail over with relative ease. I am utterly grateful and thankful. I take the constipation, the heartburn, the back pain, the leg cramps and all of the other joys of pregnancy in stride with minimal complaints. And I adore feeling him move around inside of me. It is unexplainable how it feels to know that I have a little person in there. Every kick or twitch reassures me that it is all so worth it.

And while I try not to rush things (or worry the time away) and enjoy each moment - as these memories are so short-lived - I can't help but sometimes wish there was a fast forward button. I just can't wait for him to be a part of our family. We've wanted him for so long and his arrival is feeling so close and yet so far away. I just want to get there. I want to know that we will get there. If only there was some sort of guarantee.

My son. My new love. Only 12 weeks until our dreams should become a reality.

What Makes A Mother?

2008-05-11T18:49:00.008-04:00

Last year at this time, I was in a sad place emotionally. I wondered if I would ever be a mother. And on this particular painful holiday one year ago, I felt more lost than ever. I threw myself a pity party of one while I observed my dream being lived out through others' eyes. Celebrations focused on the fertility I seemed to lack. After seeing umpteen commercials for baby products and motherly love over the course of a week, I became numb. My nerve endings just couldn't handle the twisting knife anymore.

Even with a serendipitous, unexpected BFP just a few days later, and with Hope looming over my shoulder, my second miscarriage again made me question whether or not motherhood would ever be in the cards.

Even now, as I am closer than ever before to my dream, I wonder if I will really be a mom. Am I considered a mother as I carry the baby inside of me right now at this moment? Is it only after you give birth that you are considered a mother? What about the two children I gave birth to much too early - do they matter on this day? I've received gifts, cards and phone calls, assuring me that this Mother's Day counts. But I still have doubt. What exactly makes a mother?

I found this poem online and even if you are not a Christian, I think you will be able to relate to some degree:

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes; and prayed to God today. I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard him say...A Mother has a baby, this we know is true. But God can you be a Mother, when your baby's not with you?

Yes you can, he replied with confidence in his voice. I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime; and others for a day. And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here. He took a breath and cleared his throat; and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you, what your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile with other kids and say, "We go to Earth to learn our lessons of Love and Life and Fear, My Mommy Loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here."

"I feel so lucky to have a Mom, who had so much love for me. I learned my lesson very quickly, my mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much but I visit her each day. When she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay."

"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek; and whisper in her ear. Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here." So you see my dear sweet one, your children are okay. Your babies are here in my home; and this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with me, until your lesson is through. And on the day that you come home; they'll be at the gates for you.

So, now you see what makes a Mother, it's the feeling in your heart. It's the Love you had so much of; right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize, you are a Mother, until their time is done. They'll be up here with Me one day and know that you are the best one!

By Jennifer Wasik

Happy Mother's Day and all my love to each of you - whether you've given birth to a child or adopted a child, whether you're expecting a child through pregnancy or adoption, or for anyone who is a Mother in their heart and soul. May your bodies catch up to your hearts and may next Mother's Day be yours to celebrate.

I will never forget.

Sweet Relief

2008-05-09T16:49:00.004-04:00

*P-word mentioned mildly*

My apologies for not posting in a whole week. Things have been a bit crazy as you might imagine, as we're getting down to the wire.

27 weeks yesterday. Officially in the third trimester. Whoa. If you would've told me 6 months ago that I'd be here, I would've surely been a skeptic. Hell, I probably would've had a good laugh at your expense. And yet here we are. Sunshine grows stronger by the day and I'm sure I sound like a broken record at this point, but I'm in awe of his progress and mine. Things are slowly coming together and taking shape.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I had my maternity leave discussion with my supervisor yesterday and it went better than I expected. I was incredibly nervous, but in the end, I got everything I hoped for. My last day of work will tentatively be Friday, August 1st, although I've told them I will work from home until I go into labor (I just didn't want my water breaking at my desk!). This is assuming I have no issues that will require bedrest beforehand. I will have an 8-week leave of absence after the birth. Unpaid, which sucks, but is what I anticipated working for a small company. I have banked a few weeks of vacation time, which will help financially until I return full-time. My new work schedule come October will be working in the office 2 days per week and at home 3 days per week. DH and my mom will be filling in on the in-office days. After 90 days, they will review my performance and let me know if this schedule can become permanent or if we need to negotiate a new plan. In other words, I will need to bust my ass to prove I can be a mom and still maintain a career. It won't be easy by any stretch of the imagination but I know I can do this. It's all about balance but my family will always come first.

I feel at peace with my plan. We won't have to put Sunshine in daycare, which is such a relief to me. I'd much rather he stay with family that I know and trust. Just browsing daycares on Craig's List brought on the waterworks so I can't imagine how it would be after he is here in the flesh. And this way, I can still contribute financially to our family and continue the career that I love and that I've worked so hard to attain. I can help us continue to save for a house in this crappy economy. And I can help us to afford things for our little boy that we would not be able to afford if I did not work.

I'm very happy and thankful that they are willing to be so flexible so that I can give my son the attention he so rightly deserves.
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My mom has kindly offered to pay for our crib and MIL has kindly offered to pay for our changing table. They actually offered months ago but I didn't take them up on it until now. I just didn't feel comfortable with taking that huge, giant step. Until today, that is. I forwarded them both the links to our furniture picks so it is now out of my hands. No taking it back now. Someday soon, we'll get the call for pickup. And we'll have the bare bones basics of the nursery. Part of me feels refreshed to cross yet another thing off of the to-do list but another part of me feels as though I've just gone and jinxed myself.

My boss has also started to pass on hand-me-downs from her two boys. A bouncer. A diaper bag. Random toys. Some great stuff in excellent condition. I'm no snob - not everything has to be brand spankin' new - so I happily agreed to accept. Sunshine is going to have quite the collection even before the shower. What a lucky guy.
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Strangers may have noticed (aka ogled) my belly for the past 2 months now but are just recently starting to get brave enough to comment. Someone actually asked me, "how many weeks do you have left?". They looked a bit shocked that I still had 3 months to go. I know I'm large and in charge right now for how far along I am. I feel proud of my belly but at the same time it feels awkward to take responsibility for it. It's like I am caught off-guard whenever anyone mentions my condition. I'm a bit underprepared to answer the most obvious of questions, but yet delighted that other people get joy from my responses. No weird belly-grabbers yet though and hopefully it will stay that way. __________________________________________________________

There's some family drama going on. I'm not going to mention the who, what, when, where, why & how since I can't PWP specific posts - in the rare instance they may find this blog. But I really, really want to express my thoughts. Any ideas on how to get around this without going private or switching to Wordpress?

When Boring = Greatness

2008-05-02T13:50:00.000-04:00

*P-word appointment discussed below*

My OB appointment this morning was uneventful and as I've said before, I wouldn't want it any other way.

Urine good. BP fine. I was delighted when I got on the scale and it read that I was (only) up 25-26 lbs. That equates to a pound a week so I am happy with that. I knew my digital scale at home was up to evil tricks. He is still on my shit list after the last reading so I can no longer depend on him to reliably tell me how I'm gaining. Incompetent bastard.

Sunshine is still doing a phenomenal job in there. After an inactive day yesterday in which I nearly had a bowel movement in my pants out of fear, his heartbeat is still nice and strong at 149. Fundal height is right on target. I asked the OB about kick counting and she said NOT to do it. She said that every baby is different when it comes to movement and if I start counting kicks, I will just drive myself bonkers. She said to take note of his usual pattern and if I notice I haven't felt movement in a 12-24 hour period, I could call them for an ultrasound aka technological reassurance.

I was given my glucola drink and instructions for my GTT, which is in 2 weeks. I should also get my Rho-gham shot at that appointment. I'm really not dreading either one. In a way, I'm excited. I consider it another long-awaited milestone. I am pretty confident that I don't have GD and I just want to get it over with. I mean, you never know for sure but I am choosing to be blissfully naive at this point and not to drive myself crazy with worry. I do that enough between listeriosis, toxoplasmosis and other much more rare diseases. I have a 3% chance of having GD and about a .000008% chance of contracting listeria yet the latter scares me half to death. Go figure. I've been there, done that twice now with the Rho-gham so it no longer intimidates me. I'm thrilled that at least this time, I'm not being stabbed in the ass after the news that my baby has just unknowingly died inside of me. At least I pray not.

From now through 36 weeks, I will be going to the OB every 2 weeks. And then it is every week. Can it already be that time? I was able to schedule all of my remaining appointments right smack until my due date. It's unreal to look at the piece of paper with all of the dates listed. There really aren't that many - just 9 more appointments. We can get there. We will get there.

Today's an optimistic day.

99 Days

2008-04-30T10:24:00.003-04:00

*P-word talk and baby prep below*

We're into double digits. My ticker just hit 99 days to go. Awe-inspiring. I remember when it said I had about 250 days to go and it seemed like a lifetime. Now I find myself wondering where all the time went.

Just about one more week until the final trimester. Father Time seems to be flying on his magic carpet, which is welcoming after a first trimester that just dragged on and on. I am now feeling "under the gun", as I realize I have approximately 3 months left until my due date. And that just isn't. enough. time. Then again, is there ever? It always seems to sneak up on you - even if you are the most prepared person on the planet. With all of my anxiety, I just procrastinated and now it is catching up with me. It is still hard to imagine bringing a real live baby home. But I need to err on the side of caution and get my behind in gear just in case this isn't just a fantasy. I certainly don't want to actually get to the point of delivering a healthy baby and then having no place for him to sleep or nothing for him to poop and pee into simply because I was scared to believe. He deserves much better than that. So I need to step it up.

I think I've begun the infamous "nesting" phase. I can't stand to look at the clutter in my apartment. This past weekend, we disassembled some furniture that we are donating to the Salvation Army to make room for Sunshine and unpacked some boxes that needed to be moved to our den/office. There are still several small boxes for us to go through but it is probably just junk that can be tossed (it's amazing what you hang onto with every thread of your being and all of a sudden, you have a reason to let it go without a second thought). Then, we can start on the nursery. Painting the whole room is a big no-no according to our lease, which sucks ass. However, we may rebel a little and paint a border or something. We haven't fully decided yet. I'm more inclined just to leave the cream-colored walls and use nautical wall decor to dress it up, while DH insists on having a painting project. So, stay tuned to see who comes out on top with that one.

Next project is to clean up our bedroom - since he will be sleeping in his Pack 'N Play in our room for the first few months - and go through clothes or other items that can be given to charity or packed away. That means pretty much all of my pre-pregnancy clothes can be organized and stored since I have no idea when I'll fit in those again. I've even grown out of one of my under-the-belly maternity slacks. You know it's bad when you have to wear a Bella Band with pants that are made specifically to accomodate a belly.

I declare the scale as my enemy. I shall not, from this day forward, step into his personal space and he shall not taunt me with his ever-amusing addition. At 26 weeks, I'm up 28 lbs. A little more than I would like to be but it is hard to maintain your weight when you feel like you are starving every 2 hours. I've replaced ice cream with fro-yo and I've replaced many of my enriched flour products with wheat or whole grains. I've even been working in an exercise program - walking for about an hour on the local trail as weather permits. But quantity seems to be overriding quality at this point. As healthy as I try to be, it doesn't matter. The weight is going nowhere but up. And by avoiding the scale, I can feel good about what I'm eating and what I'm doing, instead of feeling like an incompetent failure.

In other news, Sunshine seems to have taken a liking to my right ribcage. He always seems to kick me on that side or bunch himself into a little nook or cranny up there. Not so comfortable for mama but whatever makes him happy makes me happy. Pain really is pleasure in this instance. It is quite hard to distinguish some of his more violent movements from Braxton Hicks. How do I know which is which? For as much as I've read, you'd think I'd be an expert. But instead I feel utterly clueless.

Irrationality

2008-04-25T10:01:00.003-04:00

Irrationality is crying for 3 hours and 11 minutes over losing a bid on Ebay for an Old Navy monkey romper. Granted, the hostile bidder suspiciously waited until I had less than a minute left on my auction, denying me the ability to counter. But you would have thought the world was going to end. My whole evening was ruined from this discovery. My son was supposed to have that romper! I imagined him in it. And then it was gone. Poor DH spent those 3+ hours of hysterics trying to find a similar outfit online to no avail.

I knew I was being unreasonable. It was almost like an out of body experience where I was hovering above myself, telling myself to stop being so dramatic. After all, there are sooooo many more things in life that are much more important. But my emotions were uncontrollable. Rage. Disappointment. I just had to get it out.

The only thing that got me to calm down was a "speeze" incident, in which I sneezed and promptly peed through my underwear and yoga pants onto the couch. I didn't even realize I had to pee. I couldn't help but giggle after that. Guess I need to work on those Kegels...

Viability, Etc.

2008-04-17T11:26:00.001-04:00

*Sporadic p-word talk*

Today marks 24 weeks aka "the point of viability". Our baby boy, if born today, would have a 50% chance of surviving. I'm not a gambler but I know enough not to bet the farm on those odds. I pray he stays put for another 13+ weeks. Each additional day in the womb gives us a better chance. But it is a small relief to know that he has a chance, slim as it is, if disaster should strike. My next "mini-milestone" is 28 weeks, when his chances increase to over 90%. One month. I know we can do it. I have to believe we can make it.

After two quiet days, Sunshine is back to his old antics. I think I heard the faint noise of a Sweatin' to the Oldies tape in my uterus this morning because he sure was doing his aerobics. It didn't help that DH's phone rang at 5am to the tune of Margaritaville. Sunshine must be a Jimmy Buffet fan like his daddy. He was grooving up a storm in there, making it impossible to fall back asleep. As much as I adore my sleep, I could never complain about staying up for something as precious as that.

I am quite proud of myself for making another big step this week. I scheduled our birth and breastfeeding classes. Booked for May 31-June 1 and June 11, respectively. It's hard to imagine a live baby coming out of me and clutching my breast. I feel his kicks and logically, I know he is in there and will have to come out somehow, someway. But I'm still not prepared for the moment of meeting him for the first time. It seems like a distant dream, as if I'm a naive girl with my head in the clouds, dreaming about Prince Charming. I keep hoping that with each mini-milestone we reach, that it will just hit me out of nowhere like a ton of bricks. We are seriously having a baby. But no, it hasn't. I still have the essence of self-preservation stirring beneath my round exterior.

Still working on my registry. Just when I think it is complete, I read something on Consumer Reports or see or hear through the grapevine about a new item I just have to add. *cough* Ergo carrier *cough*. I need to walk away. It is becoming an addiction. There is no way a new baby needs all of this stuff but I just. can't. stop. I need help.

I've also been researching maternity/newborn photographers. I think I may have found one for a steal. DH and I discussed it and we will probably do this instead of the second 3D/4D ultrasound were were planning on. I'd love to remember the way I looked (even if retouching is needed for my 13-year old acne-laden skin), and remember my son - all tiny and wrinkly like a Shar Pei. Time passes you by so quickly and these pictures will be my constant reminder. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. The calm after the storm. I never want to forget and I never want to take it for granted.

On an administrative note, my blogroll was in desperate need of some attention, so you may have noticed the housecleaning. I was so delighted to move so many of us from TTC to PG and from PG to Parenting. But I was also disheartened to move a few from PG back to TTC. It just tears me apart. And its not fucking fair. Not much else to say except that even though I am where I am, I have not forgotten where I came from. I think of all my TTC sisters constantly and a great deal of my worship each Sunday is spent on all of you.

P.S. If I mistakenly added you to the wrong category, deleted your blog, or if you just want to be added (lurkers included!), please leave a comment or email me. I want to stay on top of things!

Kicks and Giggles

2008-04-12T17:28:00.007-04:00

*Baby talk and vid below*

Sunshine was quite active this morning so I thought I'd try to catch him in the middle of his Riverdance practice. The movements are much more pronounced IRL but if you watch closely, you can see him showing off for the camera. Be warned that my bellybutton now looks quite disturbing and resembles lips, so it may haunt you long after viewing.

Without further ado, here is my first vlog! Baby kicks at 23 weeks, 2 days:

It couldn't possibly get any better than this, could it?

Beware of the Bipolar Preggo

2008-04-06T19:33:00.005-04:00

*P-word and baby items below*

I truly believe I've become bipolar in these last 5 (almost 6 - holy crap!) months. I have my good days and bad days. On my good days, I'm ecstatic, comfortable and easy-going. I can look down and enjoy my ever burgeoning belly and stare at the few baby clothes and toys we have scattered in our spare bedroom (which shall one day become a nursery, God willing). On my bad days, I'm discombobulated, insecure and borderline depressed. I can't think straight and fear overrides my joy. Obviously, with the headbutting incident one week ago, I had a string of bad days. Waiting for inevitable doom to strike. But now, I am feeling much more positive. I'm getting back some of my happiness. And while I know anything can still happen, I am looking on the bright side.

It helped to have another reassuring OB appointment on Friday. Heartbeat on our little boy was nice and strong - still in the 150's (eat that, old wives tales!). He even threw in two great big kicks to the doppler for fun. She told me not to worry about what happened last week, but to call from here on out if I should happen to fall, get into a fender bender, etc. My next routine appointment is on May 2nd and I'll be 26 weeks. 2 weeks after that, on May 15th, I'll have my glucose test. It all seems to be happening so fast. And yet I still can't wait to see his little face. To smell him and touch him. Hear him cry and laugh. See him smile. Watch him as his personality develops. I love the bond I share with him through pregnancy. He kicks me and only I can feel it. As selfish as that sounds, I do love having him "all to myself" right now. But, I think I will enjoy the reality of motherhood much more than pregnancy. Right now, the fear of the unknown leaves me breathless. If only I had a little window into my uterus. Maybe somewhere in my bellybutton. Then, I could probably enjoy this experience to the fullest. I really am trying to let go and live "fertile"-style. But I'm not sure if I'll ever reach that goal.

P.S. I forgot to ask my OB about the premature mooing. I have leaked even more in the past two days and I am positive it is colostrum. My right boob gets a little sore and tingly and when I take a peek, it's already beading at the surface. And it dries yellow onto my bra. I'm hoping this means my supply will be great upon his arrival. For certain, it means breast pads are in my very near future.

___________________________________________________________

With that being said, I'm feeling up to talking about our registry. Just saying it out loud blows my mind.

R&R had a great post about developing her registry. It truly is an overwhelming experience that I could relate to. Who knew that bottle nipples come in 4 or more styles? Level I for slow flow, Level II for medium flow, Level III for fast flow and Y-cut for thicker fluids. I seem to learn a new nugget of knowledge from BTDT moms everyday. Make sure the bottles are BPA-free. Pampers diapers but Huggies wipes. Medela Pump in Style pump is the only choice for working moms. I have over 100 items on my registries at both BRU and Target. It's enough to make anyone's head spin. Sure, some of these are "wants" and not "needs" but I don't know how I'd dwindle it down to any less than 75. The emotional appeal of advertising has something to do with this, I'm sure. And I should know since I work in advertising. I feel like I need everything. And I want it because I want my son to have everything. I want to give him everything.

Without further ado, here are a few of our selections:

We've decided on a sailboat theme for his nursery. Walls will be light blue and the furniture will be white, rather than cherry. For wall decor, I am going to buy a life ring and an oar to hang. I'll either paint or use boat stickers on the life ring to spell out his name, rather than using hanging letters.

Here is the travel system we chose. It's the Graco Quattro in Deco. We loved the pattern (the parts with dots almost feel like felt) but we also liked that you can use the carseat for up to 30 lbs.

I chose the Sassy MAM bottles from Amazon. They are BPA-free and are kinda cute and funky. The nipples are supposed to mimic breastfeeding and the design is anti-colic a la Dr. Brown's. We also have Medela bottles on our registry in case he prefers a standard bottle to a wide-neck (and I can pump directly into the Medela ones so there is a convenience factor) but I figure it can't hurt to have options.

I had a really difficult time finding a diaper bag I liked. It was either too cheap and corny or too expensive and ornate. I couldn't justify spending $300 on a diaper bag so I was delighted when I found this one from Skip Hop for $54. It is colorful and practical, in price and style. And I think the colors go well with our travel system.

Well, I think I've jibber-jabbered on for long enough. I hope you enjoyed the tour. They'll be more to share soon.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

2008-03-31T11:02:00.012-04:00

*P-word and worrywart alert*

This weekend was going so well. I was in a blissful state, even admiring baby items in BRU on Saturday. Building a registry. A registry for a real live baby! I was feeling confident and strong, more so than I had in my entire pregnancy.

Until yesterday.

My 21-year old cousin is currently attending Villa Julie College for her Psych degree and has been dying to see some family. She had also come down with a nasty case of vasculitis a week ago so my aunt wanted to check on her and make sure she was okay. So, my mom, aunt, 4-year old cousin and I decided to pay her a visit. It would be a girl's day out - aside from the preschooler in tow. We checked out her dorm - which brought back some college memories and made me feel OLD - and grabbed some lunch. After our extreme noshing, we headed to the mall to do some shopping and walking and just to chat. Well, the preschooler was acting up and running around as 4-year old boys tend to do. And wouldn't you know that in the middle of the handbag section - BAM! He ran head first into the right side of my belly.

I felt as if my whole body was a balloon that had been deflated. All of my security slipped away from me and I was THISCLOSE to being in tears. All I could think of was "is my baby okay?". I wasn't in tremendous pain and I think the shock of what happened was more intense than the action itself. I tried to continue shopping but my nerves were so on edge that I couldn't concentrate on anything else. So, my mom, the designated driver, had to take everyone home early. Call me the Party Pooper.

Everyone was understanding and my aunt apologized for his behavior. And truth be told, I wasn't really angry with him. Yes, I guess she should have been disciplining him and stopping him from running in the store. But at 4 years old, I understand that he doesn't have the capacity to grasp how gentle you have to be with a paranoid, subfertile pregnant lady. I was just angry at the situation. I was so happy for a few days. So incredibly happy. I was starting to come out of the fog and believe in this. And now, I am back to my old, cynical, delusional self. All I can think of is placental abruption or that the impact hurt my baby somehow. I am so angry that I can't be allowed to live in peace but fear for the remainder of this pregnancy. And I am so tired of it. I don't want to become agoraphobic but I feel this need to protect myself and my son from the outside world. I want to lock myself away from everyone for the next 4 months. I feel doomed. I try to let go but I am always dragged back into the reality that is IF and loss.

I have not had any cramping or spotting and my abdomen is not tender to the touch. He kicked me a few times after dinner last night, right on time for his evening routine. And I am trying to reason with myself that he is surrounded by shock-absorbent amniotic fluid and is well protected from incidents like this. But these things are actually of little comfort. And I don't know why. Why can't I just shake this?

Sometimes, I wish I didn't know what I know. I wish I didn't know the dark side. Then I wouldn't have to be so afraid.

I just want a healthy baby boy to arrive in August. Or July. Sometime this summer - I don't care when. I just hope that isn't too much to ask.

Keeping it Light

2008-03-27T20:48:00.011-04:00

After my last post, I needed to write something a bit more lighthearted. Something that would take my mind off of all of the sadness, if even for a moment. I have a lot to share but I'll try to keep it short. Try being the operative word. We all know how verbose I can become. *wink*

P-word mentioned below

I think DH and I have come up with a name. More like I came up with a name that DH didn't veto. I had a list of 5-7 names and only one survived the cut. However, I think I'll make you all sweat it out until his birthday. For now, it is something that we would like to keep between ourselves. We did make the unfortunate choice to tell close friends and family and some of the reactions were less than thrilling. So, I've decided to share it with no one else until he is born. That way, people will be less inclined to express their negativity or suggest unwanted substitutes. He is OUR baby and if we are happy with his name, I know everyone else will come around. For now, on this blog, he will remain "Sunshine".

Speaking of Sunshine, he let Daddy feel him from the outside for the first time tonight. His kicks have gradually gotten stronger and I find his movements much more consistent. Especially in the evening. When I'm propped up watching TV or on the computer, I swear he decides to dance a jig in there. It is the most awe-inspiring feeling. I'm still not sure if it has really sunk in that there is a live baby in there making those thumps and bumps. It almost tickles inside and makes me giddy. But I am not taking any of this for granted. I cherish each sense of movement as if it will never happen again.

On a funnier note, my nipples have started to leak. I was changing after work yesterday and I noticed a quarter-sized stain on my bra that could only be colostrum, exactly where my right nipple would be. Nothing on the left side. Go figure. I immediately freaked out. This wasn't supposed to happen until the third trimester! He's not ready to come out yet! But after talking to some BTDT moms and consulting Dr. Google, I rest assured that it is normal. A bit early to start mooing but normal. Whew.

Total weight gain at 21 weeks is approximately 18 lbs (according to my indecisive digital scale). My goal is to gain 40 lbs. or less so I think I'm on track. All of the tempting Easter candy is not helping me though, I must say.

Well, that's about all for now. I'll save the registry talk for next time. It feels good to be able to even consider a registry. REAL good.

Sensitive Topic Ahead

2008-03-22T20:45:00.012-04:00

There is a post I read on FF yesterday that really got to me, and I just need to express my feelings about it. It is still eating me up inside and I am hoping that if I can get this out, I can find peace about all of it.

There was a 41-year old woman who posted on the General Pregnancy Chat forum. She is/was 21 weeks along. She had just confirmed through amnio that her baby girl had Down Syndrome. And she and her husband made the decision to terminate the pregnancy. They did not want the burden of a child with special needs. She said that adoption was not an option for them and while heartbreaking, termination was her (and her husband's) final decision.

Needless to say, this caused quite a stir on the boards - as many infertile women took offense to ending a pregnancy over a condition that is not life-threatening. Parents of children with Down Syndrome also spoke up and tried to educate her about the condition. Some even offered to adopt the baby, if only she wouldn't terminate. It quickly turned into a mud-slinging, pro-life vs. pro-choice debate and was locked down by management.

I found myself in tears after reading all of the posts. So much so that DH had to comfort me. Maybe some of my outburst can be attributed to hormones but I am just so...confused. I always thought I was pro-choice, and in a way I still am. I don't believe the government should be able to dictate what a woman can and cannot do with her body. I think that is a slippery slope - first, our bodies, then what? However, after my experiences with miscarriage and IF, I am beginning to also feel pro-life. I understand terminating a baby that could not survive outside of the womb. Babies with severe defects that are incompatible with life. Or even selective reduction - multiple pregnancies that risk the lives of the babies as well as the mother. But people with Down Syndrome, in the vast majority of cases, are able to lead very productive, fulfilling lives. I just don't think I could personally abort a child that has a chance at life. Maybe in my past, but not at this point, knowing what I know now.

I am not judging here, as it is not my place to say whether she is right or wrong for her decision. Or others who are faced with the same predicament. I am merely trying to sort out my own internal conflict. My baby boy is almost 21 weeks himself. And I feel him kicking me right now as I type. I can't imagine making the decision to take that away. I freak out over every little thing I do, thinking I am going to hurt him or jeopardize his life. If I eat at a buffet, I am nearly in tears, worrying that something I ate may have sat out too long and harbored harmful bacteria that could cross the placenta. If I take a medication, I worry that it may affect his health. And here is someone who has a beautiful baby and is consciously ending her life. Granted, the baby does have a chromosomal disorder - Trisomy 21. But she is just 3 weeks away from viability. So close and yet so far.

I am beyond torn up. I just find myself holding my belly and crying. I don't even know why exactly. I feel so bad for that unborn baby. I feel bad for the family who is affected by this decision for the rest of their lives. I feel confused about where I even stand on the issue. I feel eternally thankful and grateful for my baby boy, who appears to be healthy when there are many children in the world who are not. I think about all of the adoptive families who are open to having a child with Down Syndrome or special needs, and will not be given the chance. I cry for all of these reasons. I'm not sure if any of them are more dominant than another but the combination has me a wreck.

I am praying for peace about this. I know that the outcome is out of my control and there is nothing in my power that I am able to do to change it. I have to let go and accept that decisions like this are made everyday. But I'm having a hard time with it.

I guess I'm just tired of loss. It surrounds me and there is no avoiding it. But how I wish that it weren't the case.

Perfect

2008-03-19T20:16:00.003-04:00

*P-word talk and pictorials below*

The tech's exact description of our baby boy. As I hoped, he is happy and healthy. Heart rate is an impressive 155 and we were able to see all of his organs intact. No signs of any major malformations or defects. My cervix measured 4.1cm so maybe now I can stop fantasizing about incompetent cervix scenarios.

Today marks 19w6d and our little overachiever measured 20w2d. So, that would give me an adjusted due date of August 4. However, I'm keeping August 7 as my EDD since I know that is most accurate according to my O date. It does give me great comfort that our little man is already, for all intensive purposes, half-baked.

Our little guy was so cooperative that it only took 40 minutes total for the scan. Unlike the 3D we had just under a month ago, he wasn't shy about showing us his "masculinity". He still preferred to keep his hands near his face but we did get to see him wave to us. It was the most adorable thing I've ever seen. He never fails to tug my heartstrings.

And here are some pics I'd like to share:

Looking straight ahead - our "Skeletor" pic

Proving he belongs on Team Blue

Hiding his eyes - it's much too early for a photo shoot!

All of this chatter is giving me a headache!

A blurry profile pic

Our handsome boy

And for those of you who requested a belly photo - here we are. Halfway there. Unbelievable. Thank you for holding my hand through all of this insanity and for continuing this journey alongside me. I couldn't do it without you all.

Baking Sourdough and Other Thoughts

2008-03-18T15:17:00.001-04:00

Dear Antibiotics,

I just wanted to say stank you smelly much for the lovely yeast infection that you've given me. It is just what I needed as I begin to recover from the other infection in my chest. I have to hand it to you because you are one hell of a multi-tasker. But if it isn't too much to ask, can you please focus on removing the mucus from my lungs rather than moving on to my innocent vajayjay?

Sincerely,

KC

I'd love to say I'm on the mend but I now have a new battle to contend with. I am itchy and red down there (but no strange odor) and have the infamous cottage cheese discharge. Except it's a little more lotion-like than chunky but you get my drift. It's not fun. Thankfully, Monistat 7 is one of the "safe" drugs on my OB list so I've been able to get a little relief while I finish out the rest of my antibiotics. But it is taking everything in me not to scratch myself while I'm hidden in my corner cubicle. No one would notice, right?

When it came time to insert the cream with the applicator, I suddenly felt like a virgin. It's been too long since I've had to push anything up there so it felt like new territory. I found myself questioning how far I should actually go, the angle I should tilt, etc. For a moment on the bathroom floor, I became 14 years old again. Taking the belly out of the equation, of course.

______________________________________________________

Extensive p-word talk below

Tomorrow is the Level II ultrasound and I am quite nervous. I just want to hear that everything is okay. That our little man is perfectly healthy, with all organs present and accounted for. With each day that I feel Sunshine, I become more and more attached. Not only to the baby himself but to the future and to all the hopes and dreams I have for transitioning from mother-to-be to mother. I have more to lose with every moment that passes and it terrifies me.

I have decided to boycott Dr. Google. My fears have now graduated from miscarriage to incompetent cervix, stillbirth, placental abruption and cord accidents. Morbid, I know. Why is it so hard to believe that I can be on the good side of statistics for once? I don't want to spend all my time worrying - which is what I've done for nearly half of this pregnancy - but my instinct is still self-preservation. I do deeply enjoy moments and milestones but I'm still waiting for someone to pinch me and tell me that the universe was just kidding. Seriously. I'm not that special. Am I? What makes me so lucky when so many of my comrades are still waiting or still suffering? Could this baby really be for someone else and there was a mistake? I have a hard time accepting the great things in my life but no problem accepting the bad. I'm used to being beaten down - not being told that I'm "fine" or "normal". So, I have to work on letting go of this hold IF has on me. I want to believe that this has a great chance of succeeding. Really believe it rather than trying to merely convince myself.

Once the baby is born, I'm sure the worry isn't going to fade. It will transition again from the topics above to SIDS, choking, getting hit by a car, etc. Motherhood seems to be a state of perpetual worry.

_____________________________________________________

Last night, my fears were eased for a moment when I felt the first BIG kick. On the lower right side of my uterus. No mistaking it. I was just laying on the sofa, propped up against a pillow on the computer. It didn't hurt but it took me by surprise because it was so strong. I've felt the taps and flutters. The feeling like when you get butterflies from driving fast down a steep hill - but lower in the tummy. This was totally different and I knew immediately what it was. It made me so proud. My little boy is growing stronger. He has a long way to go but he is showing me that he can make it.

I must have faith. I may not trust my body but I trust my baby. And everytime he kicks me, I know he is telling me it is going to be okay.

Where to Begin?

2008-03-11T11:50:00.004-04:00

It's been hard to write lately after last week's heartwrenching news. What does one say after something so horrible? It seems that whatever I have to share is so menial or insignificant. I have no profound words to spiel. I'm simply...speechless.

To go on and on about my pregnancy just doesn't seem right and is hardly sensitive. However, I do want to let my readers know what is going on with me. It's just. so. hard. It's a catch-22 but I'm going to do my best to stick to the basics.

The main reason for my absence lately is I've been laid up for the past 5 days with an upper respiratory infection. It started out as just a nasty cold but quickly spread to my chest, complete with tasty phlegm and slight fever (99.8). I didn't think it was possible for a human being to have this much snot. I'm on 875mg Amoxicillan and Tylenol as needed. I despise taking meds but this time, I don't have much of a choice. My voice is barely hanging on and I think I sound like a frog, which must be confusing to Sunshine's newly developed auditory system. He is probably thinking "who is this nicotine-loving hag talking to me?". Either that or he thinks Night of the Living Dead is occuring just outside of my uterus. He wouldn't be completely wrong.

I've also noticed that his movement has lessened a good bit since I've been ill. I find myself pulling out the doppler everyday just to check on him. I'm lucky if I feel a flutter or a tap once a day. I know that at nearly 19 weeks, that is probably normal. His big growth spurt between 16 and 18 weeks is now over and he is most likely resting after doing so much work. Of course, I worry that he is feeling just as crappy as I do and that is why he is taking it easy. It is hard not to worry these days.

My level II ultrasound is coming up next Wednesday. I am excited, yet extremely anxious about this one. Excited to get another peek at my boy but anxious about all the things that could be wrong. My cervical length. The status of my fibroid. An arrythmia. A heart defect. Missing kidneys and/or bladder. We all know bloggers to whom these things (and more) were found during this scan and I would be a fool not to learn from it. I can't possibly walk in the radiologist's office with rose-colored glasses. But perhaps I can walk out with a sigh of relief.

I'd love to share a belly pic - as I'm pretty sure I've "popped" - but it just doesn't seem like good timing. Maybe I can celebrate reaching the halfway point next week with a collage so you can see how the belly grows. Until then, I hope I can just get healthy enough to breathe easily again.

When Tragedy Strikes

2008-03-06T16:10:00.005-05:00

I don't know how to even say this but Natalie over at Relaxing Doesn't Make Babies has just lost her baby boy Devin at nearly 36 weeks. They couldn't find a heartbeat at today's midwife appointment and she is being prepped for an induction.

I have never met Nat but we have been close friends for the past 2 years, as we were TTC buddies. I just can't believe this. Maybe because I don't WANT to believe this.

Even if you aren't the praying kind, please wish, hope and pray for Natalie, her husband and her baby boy.

Natalie, I wish I could be up in MA with you right now, holding your hand. Please know I am with you in spirit and I will ALWAYS be here for you. I love you, girl.

ETA: Are there any talented ladies who can make a candle in remembrance of Devin and in support of Natalie? I am working on having a blinkie made but if anyone could help me with this, I would greatly appreciate it. It's the very least I can do.

The lovely Alison created one for us to use:

Tastes Like Blueberry

2008-02-26T21:33:00.009-05:00

I guess Sunshine is a blueberry flavor because, ladies and gentlemen, we have a boy! We couldn't be more delighted.

Our little one was a bit stubborn in the beginning. He was sitting indian-style with his foot hiding the goods and he refused to move. He was sucking his thumb and rubbing his head but would not move his little feet! I moved side to side, jumped up and down, wiggled, went pee - did everything under the sun to try and get him to give us a glimpse. Finally, as we were about to give up, he decided to do a little somersault and we got to see some "guy gear".

It was amazing to see how much he had grown in just 7 weeks. I'd like to share some pics (the name on the photos is the u/s tech because she wanted to use some of our photos for their marketing materials and this way, it protects our identity):

Money shot

Yes, that is his penis next to his face, LOL

Ugh, I don't have time for the paparazzi....

Our beautiful boy touching his face

It's loud in here, Mommy!

I Hate Winter

2008-02-21T18:58:00.003-05:00

Due to the inclement weather expected tomorrow, I've had to push back my gender scan to Tuesday. Boo! I was looking forward to this for weeks and I'm having a hard time reasoning with myself at the moment. I know it is only 5 more days but I just want to whine and cry. I guess I can always blame it on the hormones.

On a brighter note, I'll be working from home with the hubby tomorrow so it will be nice to be snowed in together. I'd much rather be seeing my Sunshine, shopping and thinking about names but I'm trying to be positive.

Right now, moving South is very appealing. Just another reason why I hate winter.

ETA: Just a reminder that this is the elective 3D gender determination ultrasound - not the Level II anatomy scan. I'll be having that at 20-21 weeks. This one is purely for fun (we hope).

Taps

2008-02-20T15:02:00.002-05:00

I think I may have felt movement for the first time today. Keyword here is "think" because it could very well be gas or the workings of my GI tract. But, I am not totally convinced that it wasn't my little Sunshine saying hello.

It felt like two little taps, in the center of my abdomen, about 2-3 inches below my bellybutton. Tap, tap. And then it was gone. I've tried to stay still and feel but all I can feel now is my own pulse.

I've been told that early movement feels like butterfly wings, or flutters. But this didn't feel like that at all. It felt just like a tiny touch from the inside. A bit surprising but it made me giddy immediately.

It's moments like this where I fall in love all over again.

Fair-Weathered Friends

2008-02-19T13:07:00.000-05:00

Finally a post that isn't only about the p-word!

Let me start by saying while I consider myself to be an extrovert, I have many characteristics of an introvert. I do like my alone time - my quiet time to myself. I despise talking on the phone unless I need to - I much prefer email. And I don't have many friends. I have many acquaintances but only a subset of those are actually "friends".

There are two friends of mine who have recently upset me and I'm not sure really how to handle this. I am in need of advice. So, forgive me if and when this post becomes long-winded or rambling.

Let's call these friends Eric and Rhiannon.

DH and I have been friends with Eric and Rhiannon for many years. We both started dating around the same time, got engaged around the same time and also got married around the same time. We were also in each others' weddings. We were quite close. However, as time tends to do, we drifted apart a bit. We all graduated from college and got jobs that took up our valuable time. DH and I started planning a family and subsequently battling infertility, while Eric and Rhiannon had decided to live child-free and party it up. There were just differences that sprang up between us and while we still hung out, it started to become a little awkward. At least for me. We didn't have nearly as much in common anymore.

Eric and Rhiannon have a boatload of money because of a terrible car accident that Rhiannon endured as a child. She has a huge settlement and trust that she can basically live off of for the rest of her life. DH and I are hardworking people and have to bust our ass for anything we get. Several times in our friendship, we've felt like a charity case for them. One example: DH and I had trouble finding a photographer for our wedding for our miniscule budget. Talking as friends, we had shared our frustrations with wedding planning and told them we were considering just eloping to avoid all the hassle. Well, they sent us a check for $1,500 to help with our wedding expenses. It was to be our wedding gift. I was floored and told them I couldn't possibly accept this large sum of money - but they insisted. We did use the money toward a photographer and the pictures couldn't have been more beautiful. However, everytime we looked at the photos together or in a group, Rhiannon was sure to mention how she paid for them and we wouldn't have had those photos without her. I just felt small and insignificant because I could never return the favor to them. I felt indebted or obligated to her after taking such a gift and I resolved then and there never to take money from them again - whether they insist or not.

Fast forward to our last loss. I remember going out to lunch with Rhiannon shortly afterward, thinking it would help to get out and join the land of the living. She offered to pay for lunch and I happily accepted. After we had finished our meal, I again thanked her profusely for picking up my $8 tab. She responded with, "yeah, I wasn't really planning on it." WTF? Why offer to pay if you didn't want to do it out of the kindness of your heart? I was just trying to be nice and instead, I felt slapped in the face.

As we were walking out to the car and we talked more about my infertility, she said "I heard 11 and a half weeks isnt' that far along." I was, again, floored. I know they don't plan on having children but does she really think she is being supportive? Is 11 weeks not long enough to grieve? Again, I was left on the defensive and was left hurt. But I never spoke up because I didn't want to cause a rift.

The last time Rhiannon and I hung out was in October, just before Halloween. I got my BFP in November and pretty much retreated from the world. The last thing I wanted was to un-tell people all over again and with my low P4 and fibroid, I decided to only share the news with close family. I continued to write both Eric and Rhiannon on Facebook over the holidays, to let them know I hadn't forgotten about them. I didn't announce the pregnancy to friends until I hit the 10 week mark, heard the heartbeat on doppler and had my good ultrasound, and I did get a message from Eric congratulating me and telling me they were there for us whenever we were ready.

Now approaching the 16-week mark, I felt comfortable enough to come out of my shell and get off my self-imposed modified bed rest long enough to write them both on Facebook to see if we could possibly have dinner or something. Wouldn't you know - they had removed me from their friends' lists. I'm still able to send them an email - which I did - and I told them I was a bit confused as to why I was removed. Eric gave some b.s. excuse about me not writing them since November (which is not true and the comments on their Walls prove it) and they wanted to "give us some space". So, you couldn't do that with me still on your friends list? They requested to add me again but I'm hesitant on accepting them. Why - so I can just be removed again when I don't respond fast enough? I don't mean to be childish here but am I that easily disposable?

I know its "just a friends list" but I take it personally. I feel like because I am the p-word (which they couldn't possibly understand) and couldn't jump at their every whim to hang out, I was cut loose. I don't expect to be the best friends we were years ago, but I do think the past has some merit and I'd like them to be a part of our lives, if only minimally. But then again, I'm tired of being treated this way. They say they are there for us but I always feel like there is some kind of agenda. They either want to brag about the brand new house they bought (knowing we live in an apartment and are doing our best to find a house), or the new car they bought straight cash, or talk about themselves. They ask how we are doing but I really don't think they care. I could be wrong and it could be the hormones talking, but I just don't know if I should try to salvage what is left of our friendship or let it dissintegrate as they were prepared to do before I wrote my last email.

I feel like it is all or nothing with them. It is either I give them all of my time or I get nothing in return. If they are demanding black and white, can I try and force a gray area?

Where do you draw the line? How do you determine whether or not a friendship is worth saving? Am I overreacting or am I onto something? Should I just cut my losses or try to pick up the pieces? I just don't know if I'm too late.

My Yummy Valentines

2008-02-14T13:24:00.004-05:00

After taking a cue from Farah, I decided to also share some treats with all of my fine stirrup queens.

Happy Valentine's Day and love to each and every one of you. XOXO

The Vessel and Other Hump Day Musings

2008-02-13T10:14:00.005-05:00

P-word mentioned

One thing I've learned upon my expedition into p-word-land is that you slowly become a vessel. A vessel for growing another life. My own life becomes decidedly less important than that of the little one growing inside of me. Not that I'm not okay with that. I just find it a bit humorous as certain situations make this change evident.

Yesterday, we had some freezing rain here in Maryland and it was quite a scene. Accidents everywhere. Pure nastiness. I got a call from my mother telling me to walk very carefully outside and to drive with extreme caution. After all, I'm carrying "precious cargo". After I assured her that I know how to drive, I hung up and laughed. I never would have gotten this call several months ago. This morning, DH - being the cautious, protective daddy that he is - told me I should delay going into the office. He didn't want Sunshine to get hurt. And then of course, after he has a bit of time to actually think, he backs up and says, "oh, and I don't want you to get hurt either". Thanks, honey.

It's just funny how I am no longer the forefront of people's worry. Instead, I am purely the vessel for bringing Sunshine into the world. I must stay safe if only to get to August. Don't get me wrong - I do appreciate the little extra attention people pay to make sure I'm okay. Except that it is not really about me. And at this moment, I know it will probably never be about me again. As it rightfully should be. And I like that so much more. Life is changing in little ways before the baby is even here.

The one thing that hasn't changed is my impatience. After I had time to think it over, I decided I did not really want to wait until 20 weeks or more to find out the gender. Damn it, I've waited long enough to conceive a baby and make it this far and I don't want to have to wait for another thing! So, DH and I decided that we will do a 3D ultrasound next Friday at 16w1d. The ultrasound place we are going to will do a gender ultrasound as soon as 16 weeks and if the baby is stubborn or we can't get a good shot of the goods, they will have us come back at 18 weeks for no extra charge. So, what have we got to lose? Sounds win-win to me.

Friday 2/22. 430pm. Hopefully we'll have a good idea of whether our little one will pee sitting down or standing up. And then maybe it will start to feel real. Maybe it will all start coming together like a puzzle. The pieces are still a bit scattered but I am starting to visualize the final picture. It's oh so pretty.

Uneventful

2008-02-06T12:25:00.001-05:00

My 2nd OB appointment was pretty uneventful - which is good news. I didn't get another peek at Sunshine (boo!) but we did hear the beautiful heartbeat on the doppler (yeah!). The OB said the heartbeat sounded strong and that all was well. My bloodwork and urine culture from the last appointment came back perfect so I just had a pap and was sent on my merry way. After having so many dates with the dildo cam, a pap is a piece of cake. I honestly said to myself, "is that all?" I used to make such a big deal out of those until IF showed me what it's REALLY like to be invaded.

They gave me the option of doing the AFP screen to test for spina bfida and Down's Syndrome but I declined for two reasons. One, I know too many people who have gotten false positives from this and worried the rest of their pregnancies only to have a healthy baby. I don't need any more stress than I already put on myself. Second, if something were to be wrong with Sunshine, DH and I decided we would not terminate. So, with those considerations in mind, we opted to forgo this testing. Any soft markers would show up on the BIG u/s anyway and we are satisfied with that.

My next appointment won't be until nearly 18 weeks. Yikes! March 4th seems so far away. And our BIG u/s won't be until 20 weeks. I'm going to try to push for a St. Patrick's Day date. I'll be 19w4d so it's not that much sooner and it's my mom's birthday. I know she'd love to have that gift.

I can't believe I'm already planning this stuff. It seems so far off and yet so close. My impatience is getting the best of me. I just want to know if there is a baby boy or girl inside me. I'm tired of calling the baby "it". Ok, so Sunshine is his/her code name but I would love to be able to think about names, nurseries and actually buy some gender-specific things. That is the fun stuff. That's when I think this will start to feel more real. Like, maybe we really will be carrying a baby home in August and Ashton won't be popping out of the background to Punk me soon.

Biting The Bullet

2008-02-05T08:38:00.000-05:00

*P-word mentioned*

After trying to squeeze into my size 6-8 jeans one too many times - many of which I can no longer even zip up to be modest - I finally decided to bite the bullet and get some maternity clothes. I've been using my Bella Band everyday and while it is a great invention, it isn't the magic answer to everything. I have a bit of junk in my trunk so the Band tends to ride up, which annoys the crap out of me. I am constantly trying to pull it down to cover my back end. Now, I can sit down without worrying about fabric bunching up my back. I can also prevent the dig marks left by the no-longer-useful buttons and zippers. Score! I actually had some fun trying them on, once I got past the inital fear of stepping inside of the place.

This was a big step for me, since I bought some summer maternity clothes back when I was pregnant with Snowflake. And well, we know how that turned out just two days later. I had to go home and use the doppler right away to ease my paranoia and all was well, thankfully.

Some of you have asked how I've been feeling lately so I'll try to give a reasonably brief account. The nausea has definitely lifted for the most part. I am still terribly constipated. We're talking once, maybe twice, a week here. But I have increased my fruit and fiber intake and it seems to be helping with the "ease" of going. And the fatigue is still kicking my butt. My bedtime is about 930pm and if I stay up later, I really feel it the next morning. But, all in all, I can't complain. Things seem to be going so smoothly that it doesn't really feel real.

I think I create my own drama sometimes. For example, yesterday morning I opened a pack of Pop-tarts and bit into one of them. It was stale, but I swallowed the piece, drank lots of water and threw the rest away. Then, I worried that eating that tiny bit of stale food would kill the baby. A bit melodramatic but I overanalyze every piddly thing I do. DH says this isn't good for me or Sunshine and deep down I know this but I can't help it. The worry is instinctual and although I try to minimize it, it doesn't go away just because I will it to.

I have developed a bit of a s**t-for-brains mentality when it comes to work. I can't focus to save my life. And while I think my job performance has not suffered as of yet, I believe it is inevitable. I think part of the problem is the fatigue and distractability. But I am also incredibly overwhelmed at work. We have gotten MANY new clients with MANY media needs. We have several salespeople on board who are doing their jobs well and bringing in the business. But yet I am the only media person. So, things are getting bottlenecked when they come to me. I set deadlines for myself and most of the time, I meet them. But there are times I haven't been able to come through. I am a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to my work and so this is troublesome for me. Yet, I don't have the energy to fight it. I just tell myself to do what I can do and leave the rest for the next day. I can't commit to working overtime at this point because my brain is mush past 3pm.

They are trying to hire another media buyer but they aren't having much luck. I'm worried that I'll be working myself crazy up until my maternity leave. And I haven't even had "The Talk" about what my maternity leave will even entail. It's a small company so I may not even be paid for my leave but DH and I can probably cover 8-12 weeks on his salary alone. I'm not sure at what point I'll feel comfortable discussing this issue - maybe after we find out the sex around 18-20w. Once I hit another milestone, maybe more paranoia will fade and I can broach that topic. Right now, it seems a little premature.

At this point, I am thinking I want to return to work at least part-time. If I can work from home twice a week, I would consider going back full-time and balancing my days off with DH and my mom. This may be wishful thinking but my work is pretty flexible with schedules and very supportive of working mothers so I may be able to negotiate this. Again, this will have to come at a later date. Not sure when but it won't be right now.

Today is DH's 29th birthday and we are going out for an evening of dinner and shopping (for him, for once). I have been so out of sorts that I haven't even gotten a card. I am such a bad wife. But I intend to run out on my lunch break and fix that right away. He has been so wonderful with picking up the slack around the house and in dealing with my every whim and mood. He deserves to have a great day and I want to show him how much I care and appreciate what he has done for me. For us.

Tomorrow is our 2nd OB appointment. I am hoping for another glimpse at our Sunshine but I'm afraid they will only use the doppler. I am excited nonetheless. Every appointment we make is one step closer to the prize at the end of the rainbow.

Plastered Smile

2008-01-31T10:52:00.000-05:00

13 weeks today.

I think I have a smile permanently plastered to my face today. I probably look like the Joker but I can't help it.

I'll be back soon with more but I just had to share my happiness with all of you who helped me to get here.

Prayers and Hugs Needed

2008-01-28T12:42:00.000-05:00

One of our comrades, Alexa, needs your prayers and hugs right now. Her son, Ames, passed away in utero several weeks ago and her water has broken now at 24 weeks, compromising the well-being of his twin sister, Simone.

I pray that God will keep watch over Alexa and her little ones and deliver Simone safely into her mother's arms. Miracles happen everyday and I pray that this will be another example of that.

Bittersweet

2008-01-25T14:03:00.000-05:00

Today is a bittersweet day. Today marks the EDD of my long-lost Snowflake.

While I must admit that my current state of p-wordedness makes this anniversary a good bit easier than if I were not, and while I am certainly eternally grateful for said p-wordedness, I am still tinged with sadness for the baby who couldn't make it. I still wonder how things could've been.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that this baby does not replace the ones I have lost. Being the p-word does not make you forget. Granted, it makes things seem more hopeful for the future. And it has stunted the grieving process by forcing me to accept my loss and move on. But the past remains the past. That pain is still there and at times, still raw. I still shed tears last night at midnight as I thought about the fateful day I had to give up my hopes and dreams for the child whom I would never meet.

So, today I commemorate my baby up in heaven. I know she is in good hands. But I miss her.

I like to think that my angels sent me this baby. An early birthday gift to their Mommy. And that makes my Sunshine so much more special and sentimental to me than ever.

Everybody Poops

2008-01-23T15:37:00.000-05:00

Except for me, apparently. I haven't pooped in over 4 days. The Colace hasn't even been able to save me from the wrath of the constipation wench.

I'm fearful. With the quantity of food I've been consuming lately, I'm afraid I'm now carrying twins. Anything else I eat is just going to build and build until it is laying in my throat. And this may be damn near impossible but I'm scared that if I have to push hard, I might just push Sunshine out alongside of it. Gross imagery but I can't say it hasn't crossed my mind.

Just a recap of the food I've eaten today:

Cookies 'n Cream poptarts
Activia peach yogurt
Corn muffin (a BIG one)
Tuna fish sandwich (chunk light so no worries)
Small bag of Lay's potato chips
More than a handful of jelly beans
.68 lb container of creamed spinach

This list (A) does not include dinner which will most likely be another 2-3 items and (B) does not include the previous 4 days of pigginess.

If constant eating doesn't provide relief, the next stop is Shoppers for a Fleet enema. And, boy, I do NOT want to go there.

A Milestone of Sorts

2008-01-21T09:34:00.000-05:00

Well, as of today, I am the furthest along I've ever been. Not breaking out the horns and drums just yet but I am allowing myself some golf claps.

The perfect way to celebrate this milestone was to break out the doppler and hear the most beautiful sound in the whole wide world.

166bpm.

If I wasn't afraid of frying Sunshine's brain, I could listen to that quickened thump all day long.

Healing

2008-01-18T13:11:00.000-05:00

I am happy to report that my neighborhood-(un)friendly abscess has almost vanished. It is still there but it has been draining this week (ewwwww!) and is starting to peel and itch. It is much much smaller in surface area and less red than just a week ago so I know that I'm doing something right. As a matter of fact, it isn't even painful at all. I am keeping the area nice and clean and I still have 3 days left of antibiotics so hopefully, it will be cleared up soon and all of that nasty bacteria will be gone forever. I was beginning to worry that I would have to amputate my leg at the knee in order to save Sunshine from any creeping uglies. Thankfully, I am 99.9% sure I will get to keep my leg and my baby.

Speaking of Sunshine, we hit the 11 week milestone yesterday. This is entering the danger zone, for we officially lost Snowflake at 11w3d, which would be Sunday. I do not think the same fate will befall us this time yet I can't help but feel the anxiety. How can I be so sure? If we make it to Monday, it will be the furthest along that I've ever been. It will be a time to celebrate. Just a little. And then again when we reach 13 weeks, I can break out the confetti once more. Each tiny milestone that we pass is just one step closer to a live baby. I still have a long way to go but we are getting there slowly but surely. I'm trying to remain positive and enjoy the few moments in which I am not consumed by the aftershocks of IF.

I have been noticeably absent from the boards on FF lately. I just can't handle the posts about miscarriage on the August DD boards (there are many) and while I still check in on my girls still in the trenches, it is hard for me to reach out to them. I am just a painful reminder of where they would give their right arm to be. And I respect that they need space. I just miss the camaraderie. I'm not trying to sound whiny here because I know that a lack of readership and contact is an unfortunate consequence of the p-word. I just don't want my friends to think I have forgotten all about them and have abandoned them for the land of babies. I think of all of you each and every day, and I still fight for you. I just don't come to you because I don't want to hurt or offend you.

Warning: I'm about to talk about nitty-gritty p-word details so if this turns your stomach, I urge you not to read further. It won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

The great symptom-watch of 2008 is on. I have not had morning sickness so I've clung to my other symptoms as signs that my death trap of a uterus has been disassembled. While my OB says I should thank my lucky stars that I haven't had to hug the toilet bowl, the rumor about "morning sickness = less chance of miscarriage" still echoes in my ear. Sure, I've had some mild to moderate nausea. But nothing terribly strong. At this point, have I most likely skipped over that side effect? Or can it still hit me at any time?

I have the skin of a 12-year old. I certainly don't have a "glow", unless you point me toward an Oreo milkshake. Then, my face lights up like a fat kid in a candy store. I eat a full-sized meal and then I'm hungry again 2-3 hours later. Usually craving junk food. I've tried to eat a balanced, nutritious diet but there are times when my cravings take over and there is no stopping them.

Which is probably why I've gained about 5 lbs. so far. A bit more than I would have liked to put on. I definitely have no waistline left and buttoning (sometimes even zipping) up my pants is a distant memory. Not that I'm complaining at all. I know some things can get lost in translation and you may be thinking, "WTF are you whining for? You have it made!". I realize what all of this means and I love it. No doubt. I'll take it all and then some. I'll fight a million abscesses to get to my baby - but please, no.

Just crossing my fingers and whistling my way through Sunday. And a little church could never hurt.

Infected

2008-01-12T08:25:00.000-05:00

Although I have no idea how it happened, I have an abscess on the back of my knee. It is PAINFUL. So much so that I am walking with a limp at times.

I woke up Monday morning and felt a bit of pain behind my knee. There was a small bump but I didn't think much of it. I figured it was an ingrown hair and would go away. Well, slowly but surely, it grew to the size of a nickel (although more oblong than round) and has since become more painful, red, and swollen.

I went to the urgent care center and they diagnosed me with an abscess, or cutaneous skin infection, and put me on antibiotics (Keflex, to be exact). I have to take the antibiotics 2x a day for 10 days and press warm, moist rags on the infected area for 20 minutes 3-4x a day. This will help to bring the bacteria to the surface and make the wound softer so it can "drain". Yummy. I'm so looking forward to that.

I heard the word infection and automatically thought of Sunshine. Could it have spread throughout my blood and crossed the placenta? Could it even do that? The doc said it was highly unlikely that this would affect the baby. She did say that it was good I came in when I did so I could get it treated in its early stages before it spread any further into my deep tissue.

I asked the doc how this could have happened and she said it could be a multitude of things: I could have nicked myself shaving, gotten a small puncture wound, scratched myself, etc. and it got infected with bacteria. Winning the lottery of suck again, I suppose.

My body has a penchant for creating ovarian cysts. Now it is beginning with other sacs of gunk.

Body - let's just call a truce, okay?

ETA: It seems to be responding to the antibiotics. The redness is almost gone. The only thing left is the raised skin and it is only painful now if I press on it. Hopefully, it will drain on its own and soon. I'll be glad when this is over.

It's a Sunshine Day

2008-01-09T18:05:00.000-05:00

Today I made the big switch from RE to OB. I wasn't sure what to expect but was pleasantly surprised. The office wasn't filled to the brim with fertiles, much to my delight. Even though I am officially the p-word, I still can't relate to myself in that way. I still look in the mirror and see the desperate, worrywart infertile. Not a boastful, glowing pregnant woman. I guess that sense of confidence will grow at the same speed as my uterus (?) But I was happy not to feel uncomfortable or out of place in a room full of huge, likely unplanned bellies. I'm not quite ready for that yet I don't think.

I was seen right away for a urine sample (I don't know how I always manage to pee all over the outside of the cup rather than inside of it) and never-ending bloodwork. We got a packet full of information about what meds are and are not okay to take, diets to quell nausea, a cute calendar with stickers to note all of baby's milestones, etc., etc. Then came the moment we had been waiting for - our sonogram. Everyone, meet our little Sunshine:

He or she was just chillin' during the ultrasound - so laid back. I saw a wiggle as the wand first entered but after that, our little one stayed still, lounging and facing us the whole time. I've never been able to see appendages on our babies before so this was a beautiful sight. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I looked at the screen. I just can't believe this is happening. I can't believe he/she is still with us. Still hanging on. Happy just isn't big enough of a word. I don't think there is any word that can encompass how I feel right now.

The baby measured right on track at 9w6d. We didn't get a heart rate but since I have a doppler and can use it whenever I want, the control freak in me decided to let it go and accept "normal".

Our next appointment is on February 6th. The day after DH's birthday. Four weeks away. I don't know how I'll make it. I'll be just about 14 weeks along. Aka Second Trimester. I can't even imagine getting to that point and it is hard to believe it is about three weeks from now. Please let me make it. Please let this be time. Please heal my womb from our past tragedies. I don't just want A baby. I want THIS baby. It's too late to go back now. I'm already in love. So this just has to work. It HAS to.

No News is Good News

2008-01-05T15:41:00.000-05:00

Wow, I hadn't realized how much time had passed since my last post! I guess time really is flying by. I'm so sorry for letting my loyal readers wait for an update. Happy New Year everybody! The holidays have really kept us busy at Chez Sticky, as has an office move at work (don't worry - I didn't lift anything). And considering my new bedtime is a whopping 9pm, I have not been given much opportunity to blog. I must say first and foremost that no news is, in fact, good news.

Christmas was pretty uneventful. We had our traditional gift-giving and lots of good food. My grandmother made her "famous" macaroni salad with shrimp. I think I ate 3/4 of the bowl it was so delicious. I racked up on presents like pj's, perfume, clothes, and a new Kate Spade bag but it just didn't seem to matter too much. Not that I was ungrateful by any means. But like I had said before, Santa came early for us this year. All that mattered was that the little life inside of me was still alive.

New Years Eve was also pretty calm. We had a dinner at a fabulous restaurant in downtown Annapolis and went home to watch the ball drop on TV. It may not have been the most exciting evening but it was perfect and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I did a bit of reflecting on 2007 and decided it was certainly a rollercoaster of ups and downs for us. We had the really bad (a second miscarriage), as well as some good (beginning treatment in January with the RE and getting a diagnosis, getting our first BFP since our miscarriage in 2005 in April, new jobs for DH and myself, DH getting his masters in August), with the peak being our current state. It is still hard to believe that the year ended on a good note. I find myself still in disbelief that we are here. Again. The reflecting made it seem even more unreal. We had certainly gone through our fair share of emotions in 2007. I wondered what 2008 would have in store for us.

As if it were a premonition, New Years Day brought us a bit of action. In the early afternoon, I started cramping. Mild cramps but constant, unlike the pulling twinges I tend to get. Fearing the worst, we decided to get checked out at the local ER. I had no spotting but I embellished a bit at the desk to ensure we would get an ultrasound. I bit my nails and held my bladder as we waited for a room. A few hours later, we were taken back to radiology. It was an abdominal ultrasound so it was nice not to have to drop trou for once. It only took seconds for us to see our little one. Sunshine measured a day ahead at 8w6d, and had a strong heartbeat of 176bpm. We couldn't have been happier.

However, Sunshine is not the only inhabitant in my ute. The tech noticed that I have a 3cm fibroid in the top layer of my uterus. The doctors did not seem very concerned at all and dismissed it as a side effect of the first trimester hormones. They said it could shrink and disappear later in the pregnancy, or it could grow. If it does grow, it would press on my outer organs and cause some pain and possibly some spotting. My first concern was intrauterine growth restriction, but they assured me that it is far enough away from the baby that it would not affect our little wonder. Dr. Google says this puts me at risk for breech presentation but if a c-section is all I have to worry about, I consider myself lucky. Has anyone else experienced this early on? I'd love to hear about how things turned out.

We also had another milestone this very morning. We heard the heartbeat on our home doppler. We are only 9w2d so I thought it would be a bit early for our olive-sized sweetie but decided to give it a try with a full bladder. I tried by myself at first and found it briefly, but our little one jolted before I could get a clear number on the digital readout. When DH tried a few minutes later, we found it fairly quickly on the opposite side of where I had originally heard it. 182bpm - clear as day. It sounded like a train, not a drum beat as I had thought. But it was definitely fast and strong. Music to my ears. Pure relief.

We have been sitting on cloud nine ever since. We are now past the point at which our Snowflake melted so I am feeling pretty good about things. I know there are no guarantees but I am relishing the fact that at this moment, I am, dare I say, pregnant and could very well bring a baby home this summer.

Happy Holidays

2007-12-24T22:28:00.000-05:00

I can't believe Christmas is here. I haven't been a Grinch this year but time seems to have flown by, as it usually does. As the years pass, I find that the holiday is not so much about giving and receiving presents as it is about being with the ones I care about. Maybe it is a sign I am getting older. Or just growing up. I think those are a bit different despite first glances.

This weekend, we had our gift exchange with the in-laws. We had a great time being together, and of course, seeing the kiddos. The most surprising, yet pleasant, gift I got was from MIL. She bought me three maternity shirts. I wasn't expecting to receive anything remotely related to my current state. I assumed that everyone else felt the same way I did - cautious and reserved. Barely able to speak the "p" word, as if muttering it would jinx any goodwill we had created. It was really eye-opening for me to see that despite past history, they really were truly excited. It was just what I needed to feel more confident about the future. I could feed off of their enthusiasm and it felt good in the moment. Of course, now, I feel as if I have to live up to high expectations. What if I let everyone down? That's right - stay positive. MUST THINK POSITIVE.

Speaking of the "p" word, Sunshine is now iteration 3.7.3. (Blame my nerdy husband for this engineering influence. First 3 stands for third attempt. 7 is for seven weeks. Second 3 is for 3 days.) Every day that passes, I become more thankful. I have some newfound symptoms in my arsenal. They may be related to my rapidly growing embryo or perhaps wishful thinking. I prefer to think of them in the former:

Fatigue - my new bedtime is about 9:30pm. It is past my bedtime as I type so forgive me if I nod off or start becoming illiterate.

Nausea - comes at various times so it is a little unpredictable. Sometimes, I feel a little "off" in the morning or after I wake up from a nap. Other times, I feel crappy in the afternoon or evening after a long day. No puking as of yet but I get the "puke burps". You know, where you burp and little bit comes up in the back of your throat. Nasty, but somewhat comforting, if you get my drift.

Food craving - at the moment, I am obsessed with macaroni and cheese. Fascinated. I could eat mac and cheese for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snack. I've always liked mac and cheese but for some reason, I really like it now. Even if I'm not hungry, I just want it.

Pulling sensations/twinges - not totally unlike cramps but they come and go quickly. They scare me but happen to occur in the groin area so I like to think it is just ligaments stretching to accomodate my new resident. They usually go away when I get up and walk a little.

Enlarged breasts - DH is loving this one. They are definitely fuller but they aren't as sore as I thought they'd be.

Frequent urination - have to get up 1-2 times a night to pee and a good bit during the day even if I'm not drinking a lot.

Thick waistline - can only button my "fat" pants. Have resorted to using my Bella Band daily. I know I've probably gained about 5lbs. Probably all that damn mac and cheese.

Well, I'm off to get something to eat (you guessed it!) and wrap some last minute gifts. I wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas (or Happy Holidays for my non-Christian friends). For anyone traveling, I wish you safe travels. And I pray that all of your wishes come true - whatever they may be. You are all in my thoughts as always. XOXO

Barf.

2007-12-18T21:26:00.000-05:00

This just makes me sick. What a slap to infertile women everywhere. I try not to judge others but...damn.

Could this family be anymore trailer trash?

Thoughts? Comments?

One Hurdle Down UPDATE

2007-12-18T10:35:00.000-05:00

One beautiful baby, measuring a day ahead at 6w5d.

With a beautiful heartbeat, beating at 120bpm. I could look at that beautiful pulse all day.

I have exhaled a little but I know this is the first hurdle of many. After all, we've been here before and things still turned out badly. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't secretly delighted though.

They took one more beta/progesterone check so I will update with those results when I get them this afternoon. Hopefully, the P4 will be much higher and I can relax about that as well.

Despite my begging and pleading for a repeat ultrasound in 2 weeks, the RE dismissed me to my OB. So, I am officially graduated and left to wander among the land of the fertiles (gasp!). I don't know how I will manage but I hope the OB will decide to take another peek before 12 weeks. We have a doppler (thanks be to MIL from her stint as a prenatal nurse) so we plan to break it out around 9 weeks and see if we can hear what we were never able to hear before.

Stay strong, Sunshine. You have so many people who would love to meet you next summer.

P.S. Sorry for the crap photo. Our scanner is out of commission so I did the best I could with our camera. Maybe DH can do a better job when he gets home.

***Update*** New beta at 32dpo is 42,000+. P4 is 26+. I've been instructed to continue the supplements until 1/22/08. Looking good!

Lend A Shoulder

2007-12-17T16:49:00.000-05:00

Please go over and support my dear friend at Journey to Junior, who just suffered from a miscarriage.

I am so distraught. We have been on this journey for a similar timeframe and we were supposed to be due date buddies. I'm just so sad right now. I don't understand this cruel twist of fate.

I'm here if you need me, I.

The Case of the Colored CM

2007-12-16T19:24:00.000-05:00

I think I may have had a spotting episode yesterday. I say "think" because I'm not completely sure of myself. See, I noticed a change in the tint of my CM yesterday. It has steadily been a watery/creamy mix since my BFP and the Prometrium gives it a peach hue. No biggie. But yesterday, it seemed to have changed from peach to tan. Not red by any means. But a noticeable change from the norm.

Following in the footsteps of Geohde, I thought some visual aids may be helpful to demonstrate my case.

Exhibit A: Traditional color, courtesy of Prometrium

Exhibit B: Mysterious new shade

List of possible suspects:

Mr. Cervix - Motive: angry due to the 2-3 tablets invading his personal space each day

Ms. Uterus - Motive: criminal history of evicting innocent embryos before their lease is up

Prometrium - Motive: ever fashionable, needed a new outfit because peach is not a winter color

I tried not to freak out and instead vowed to keep an eye on it. If the mysterious color should reappear, we would take a trip to the ER or the RE (whichever office was available) and get checked out. I reasoned with myself that if it were an omen of things to come, there was nothing I could do about it and I should just continue doing what I've been doing all along, and hope we make it to our ultrasound on Tuesday.

The good news is that despite being on my feet last night for a solid 2-3 hours at my work holiday party, the color has not returned as of tonight. Instead, I've had the usual peach on the pantyliner. Very reassuring.

DH and I have been abstinent so I know it wasn't due to sex. I have no idea where it came from but I am glad the visit was cut short. I'm not up for unannounced visitors these days.

Today marks 6w2d. I'm so glad and so scared to be back here. Just a week and a half (maybe two) from now is around the time our Snowflake melted. I pray that history will not be repeating itself this time around. I can't say I feel more confident about Sunshine but I do know that somehow, some way, it will be okay. I don't know why I feel this way after the stress of the progesterone deficiency and recurrent loss but I really believe it will be okay. Foolish optimism, perhaps?

ETA: Speaking of Geohde, visit her blog for some exciting news!!!!!

Emma is Here

2007-12-14T20:00:00.000-05:00

My dear friend Holly had her baby girl, Emma Katherine, yesterday afternoon! I'm so delighted and can't wait to meet her. I know she'll be beautiful just like her momma.

Birthday Girl

2007-12-12T09:13:00.000-05:00

Today I am officially a quarter-century old. Yes, I'm still a "baby" as my office mates like to politely remind me. But, I do feel like I'm a good 5-10 years older than I really am.

My DH has a present for me that he will give me tonight. He says he thinks he spent too much money on it and I have racked my brain but can't think of what it could be. Guess I'll have to be patient. We are going out to eat here, which has fantastic service and a great view of the lake. It should be a great time. And he was fabulous enough to order me a cake from here, so I am in for a real treat. My thighs won't thank me later but my taste buds will. A girl has to indulge herself once in a while, right?

I know it is my birthday and I can cry if I want to, but I have every reason to smile right now. I'm trying to push the fear out of my mind and enjoy the day. Stress-free. After all, it goes without saying that I already have the best present I could ever dream of.

Waiting to Exhale

2007-12-10T13:26:00.001-05:00

***If you are looking for the book tour Q&A, please see the post below.***

Beta at 24dpo = 8,449 (YAY!!!)

P4 = 19 (BOO!!!)

Doubling time = 1.81 days, or 43.67 hours

Again, the chart for you visual learners:

Now instructed to take 2 suppositories of Prometrium per day. Hopefully, that will do the trick. I am trying not to freak out since 19 is really just a smidge below what they like to see (20). But you still want to hear that things are perfect - any deviation from the words "all looks good" sends me into a tailspin. And the fact that it dropped also makes me a bit nervous. WTF happened?! I've been taking those things religiously at the same time everyday. I don't know. I just pray that our little Sunshine can hold on.

Our first ultrasound will be next Tuesday at 930am. They will also do more bloodwork - to check on the progesterone, I assume. I'm thinking of just taking the day off of work. I would rather just come home and relax after the appointment, whether good news or bad news. I wish I could take off this whole entire week but, contrary to popular belief, I do actually have work to do.

I'm waiting for that moment when I can finally exhale. I'm sick of living in a state of perpetual fear.

Barren Bitches Book Tour #8

2007-12-09T19:14:00.000-05:00

The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood is a thought-provoking tale about religion, politics and reproduction - how the freedoms that we sometimes take for granted in today's society are luxuries, rather than guarantees. Our protagonist, Offred (derived from "Of Fred" - her Commander), lives in a world where her only purpose is to get pregnant and produce children for her assigned Commander. As a Handmaid, her only sense of worth is her uterus. Any attempt to escape would surely lead to beatings, or worse. Women in the Republic are not allowed to read, write, work or in some cases, even make eye contact or speak to one another.

But the world was not always so restrictive. Offred had a husband once, and a daughter of her own, which we hear about through flashbacks. She also had a best friend. With all of that now just a distant memory, Offred gives us a glimpse into her isolated world and makes us question the liberties that we have come to expect.

The Handmaid's Tale was a difficult read for me, but rewarding in the end. It was very descriptive and at times, I found it a bit verbose. But the ultimate message of the book is something that I still ponder after finishing it. I can't help but think, "what if that were us?". We would have no blogs to write about our experience. We would not be able to read, or have careers. And while TTC is altogether consuming, it is still our choice to bear or not to bear children. What if those choices were already made for us? Sweet, yet haunting, The Handmaid's tale is definitely one I recommend.

1. I found it interesting that although Offred would be unable to raise any children she had, she still yearned to be pregnant. It seemed like more than just the fear of what would happen to her if she wasn't successful. Where do you think her desire for a baby stemmed from?

I think Offred's desire to be pregnant also stemmed from her memories of being pregnant with her daughter, before the days of the Republic of Gilead. She flashes back to feeling the baby kick inside of her, and to memories of her family. Those memories gave her a temporary sense of peace and represented a part of her life that she wished she could have back for just one moment, so she could enjoy each minute rather than foolishly taking it for granted. Being pregnant again would not only cleanse her from being deemed Barren, but would perhaps bring her back to a time where she was more than just a uterus and ovaries. Being pregnant would be a 9-month escape, where she would no longer be forced to share her body with a stranger and could enjoy things like feeling the baby move inside of her - little things that could be hers and hers alone.

2. Doctors that had performed abortions were now criminals according to the newly formed government, penalized by death. Obviously, infertility had become an epidemic by that time. Do you think that there is a justification for criminalizing abortions if the future of humanity were at risk due to infertility?

I think this is treading a fine line and I personally do not feel that the government should have the ability or the right to tell women what to do with their bodies. By removing our freedom to make a choice about our reproduction, it opens the floodgates to other areas of our lives where we make choices - our careers, our hobbies, our husbands or lovers, our homes and material possessions. Where would you draw the line? If infertility were really an epidemic, I believe that the government should offer incentives to women and men to induce them into parenthood. More money, assisted reproductive technologies, health care, etc. However, I do not believe it should be a decree or a law that criminalizes women for making choices about their bodies.

4. In Chapter 12, she is talking about her body and states: "I avoid looking down at my body, not so much because it's shameful or immodest but because I don't want to see it. I don't want to look at something that determines me so completely." Dealing with infertility we face many challenges, and one is coming to terms with our body's shortcomings. How do you view and deal with your body now, compared to pre-IF (or lack of knowledge on IF), does it determine you, and do you accept it or avoid it?

I often think of my body as a ticking time bomb. Having been pregnant twice and never carrying a live baby home, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. When will the timer run out and when will this life inside of me be taken away? Before IF, I was happy with my body. I would look at myself in the mirror and think I was attractive. Now, I see myself in a much more negative way. I see the bloat that years of IF has given me. I see a body that has proven to be a failure. I hardly look in the mirror at myself anymore unless it is to look at my face. I don't consider my body to be an exact representation of myself - it does not determine who I am as a person. I do not believe that I am a failure for having miscarriages or for having faulty ovaries and a wicked uterus. I think it actually makes me a more sincere, caring person and it also makes me much more appreciative of life. So, I do avoid confronting my body but I refuse to let it define me. (This should be my new mantra!).

5. Did you find it conflicting that the book showed a male-dominated culture, even in reference to reproducing, when in our culture it seems that women take the brunt of the responsibility? Even though male infertility was ignored in their culture and females were given stints with new commanders ("tours of booty," as I came to think of it), did you feel the men were still in charge of procreation? How does this differ from our reality?

While women in our society usually take the brunt of the responsibility with fertility treatment, I believe there is still a stigma regarding infertility. Even though MFI and Female Factor each account for 40% of infertility cases, it is often seen as the woman's problem. "Oh, she's having problems getting pregnant...she must be barren". I think there is little knowledge about Male Factor, and most people automatically assume that the infertility is due to the woman. In the Republic of Gilead, I think that while the men believed they were in charge, it was no secret that some of the men were thought to be infertile. The doctor and the women were not naive, and would often seek the services of other men to get around the problem. I did not see that the Republic of Gilead differed greatly from our own society with respect to Male Factor.

6. The notes at the end of the book talk about how the fertility "crisis" was caused by environmental things like nuclear power plant accidents. While there are a number of causes of infertility that could not possibly be related to environmental factors, what do you think the likelihood is that some of them (i.e.: ovulatory dysfunction, male factor issues, unexplained) could be caused by things in our environment today? If you have these as your diagnosis have you ever done anything to change any environmental factors in your life to try to affect a change in your fertility?

I wrote a post for Blog Day a while back on this very topic. I was surprised by the statistics I found regarding environmental toxins and their effect on fertility. It was quite alarming. I do believe that the environment plays a role in infertility. The hormones in animal byproducts and toxins such as caffeine or cigarette smoke all affect our bodies in various ways and can affect the way we ovulate or produce sperm. My official diagnosis is ovulatory dysfunction and I have read many reports about how diet and health can affect my ovulation pattern. While my RE has never mentioned a change in diet, there are a few things I have changed to increase our odds of conception. I have limited my caffeine to 200mgs per day or less. In most cases, I have cut it out completely by switching to decaf or caffeine-free. I have also limited my consumption of "diet" or "low-fat" products, as the artificial sweeteners and other ingredients can be harmful while TTC. I have never smoked in my life but my DH was a smoker and about a year before we began TTC, I made him quit (well, nagged politely and he obliged me) so we could have a better chance.

9. It was at one time hard for me to put myself in the Wife's shoes, but having dealt with infertility on a more personal sense, I find that I can sympathize with her and her role in this society. If you had to be in this society, how could you cope with your role in it? Would you be a Wife or a Handmaid? Could you sympathize with your counterpart?

I think that either role would be tragic, but I think I can definitely relate to being a Wife. While I can get pregnant, I have yet to stay pregnant. In biblical times, the infertile women gave their husbands handmaidens to bear the children they could not have. This would be a similar situation. It would be painful and I have no idea how I could cope with this role. I have no idea how I could watch my husband have sex with another woman and/or see this woman bear his child. Even if we would raise the child as our own, I do not think it is something I care to witness. Having a surrogate is a different process but more appealing for the simple fact that I know my husband would not be having intercourse with another woman. But I do sympathize with the Handmaids. They are given no choice in the matter, and when that is stripped away, they are nothing more than a pro bono prostitute. I think I would feel guilty as a Wife that it was my body that caused such a catastrophe.

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: The Jane Austen Book Club by Karen Fowler (with author participation!)

Winter Insanity

2007-12-05T21:01:00.000-05:00

Today was the first snow of the year here in Maryland. We got a good little bit - about 2 inches or so - not just flurries like I anticipated. I woke up and looked out of our window and saw the flakes falling onto the trees and onto the grass. I've always been a warmer weather kind of gal but I do love to see the snow fall. There's something peaceful about it. Of course, I had to go to work so driving in it is a different story. There's nothing peaceful about that.

Life has been very low-key in Chez Sticky. I've continued lounging on a self-imposed partial bedrest. I know logically that if a miscarriage is inevitable, nothing I can do will prevent it. But by laying down and doing squat after work, I feel like I'm doing something to help our bean grow. Maybe it sounds silly but after two losses, I just want to do everything I can to ensure our little one has a chance.

No matter how many times I tell myself to just enjoy this and go with the flow, I can't shake my worrywart-ness. Everytime I feel a twinge or a cramp, I wonder if that is the end. Everytime I sneeze, cry or laugh, I wonder if I somehow dislodged our little embryo. I analyze every symptom - or absence of symptoms, hoping they will give me some sort of clue as to whether this will be successful. Most times, I feel nothing and I'm left to wonder what's going on in there. And I know I'm still in early days, but it is hard for me to imagine defeating the IF monster and bringing home a live baby next summer. There are just so many hurdles to jump over and I know I must take it one day at a time. But, impatient as I am, I wish I had the remote control to life so I could hit the fast forward button.

I've tried to talk to my little Sunshine and coax him/her into staying. I've already bonded, although my anxiety raises just admitting that. I feel like I will jinx everything by becoming hooked. DH is much more hesitant to get attached. He rarely rubs my belly and he refuses to talk to it. I respect that and understand his need to put up a wall, but it hurts all the same. It's not just me who is guarded - my husband is also plagued by fear. If he were happier, perhaps I could release some of my worries. Or vice versa. But instead, we feed off of each other and create a universal sense of panic.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful at all. I look in the mirror everyday and I'm amazed that there is something growing inside me. I am so incredibly thankful for another chance at motherhood. Even if the outcome is questionable. I'm just petrified it will end in the same way the others have. I feel guilty for bringing another life into the world that my body could erase.

Benjamin Franklin once stated that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Am I insane for desperately wanting this to be different from the rest? I don't think I've ever wanted anything more in my entire life.

Bleeding Heart

2007-12-05T15:17:00.000-05:00

If you haven't done so already, please stop by to visit Open Windows, who just lost her daughter at 20 weeks to PPROM.

There are no words. My heart breaks for her, especially since the holidays are right around the corner. I hope she is able to find solace from the storm.

Breathing Easier

2007-12-03T13:30:00.001-05:00

At least for now.

Beta @ 17dpo = 587

P4 = 25.6

Doubling time = 40.82 hours.

And for you visual learners out there:

Looks like all that lounging this weekend really worked! My doubling time with Snowflake was a semi-questionable 53 hours so this is a huge relief.

Next beta will be on Monday, December 10. That's a long ways away but this will definitely keep me happy until then. Thank you for all the prayers and well wishes. If it's not too much to ask, please keep them coming. I couldn't - and can't - do this without all of you.

Out With A Bang

2007-11-30T20:46:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I made it through NaBloPoMo. Are you guys sick of me yet? At least it appears I'm going out with a bang!

As I type, I'm laying on my back with a bead of Prometrium up in my hoo-ha. Last night was my first night on the progesterone and it wasn't bad at all. I wore a light pad today and the drippage was minimal. I was actually expecting it to be worse. I've been making sure to push it up there as far as it will go and to lay flat for 2 hours so it should have plenty of time to absorb. I noticed a spike in my temp this morning so I think it is working. At least I hope so.

My next beta is on Monday morning and I will get the results that afternoon. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the weekend. I'm trying to take comfort in the fact that I am doing all that is in my power to maintain my current state. And I'm just going to take it easy and veg out in my bed, watching chick flicks. We were supposed to go to the Redskins game on Sunday but I think I'm going to have to sit that one out. It is supposed to be rainy and cold and, well, that just doesn't sound like fun to me.

As far as symptoms go, I really don't have many. I'm a bit bloated - I look like I'm about 8 weeks along, rather than 4. My pants are tight around the waistline. I think my boobs are a little fuller - being an A cup, I notice (and welcome) any enlargement. And I'm now getting headaches, but I think that is from the progesterone. That's about it.

I'm trying to keep my chin up and my head above water. Stay positive. It's hard because my natural instinct is to defend myself and prepare for the worst. But how can I not become attached to this little life that depends on me for its nourishment and existence? I am guarded but I am also slowly falling in love with my little embryo. It is useless to fight it.

Powers that be, please don't take my sunshine away.

Welcome to the World, Jolie Cate

2007-11-30T07:51:00.000-05:00

My dear friend Mandy had her baby girl on Tuesday night. She is gorgeous!

Congratulations, my love! I'm sure you will be an amazing mom, and I can't wait to read more about your family of three.

Why Can't It Just Be Easy?

2007-11-29T13:44:00.000-05:00

Do you want the good news or the bad news first? Okay, I'll start with the good.

Beta at 13dpo = 115

Now the bad news.

Progesterone = 14+

The RE likes to see it around 20, so I'm a bit on the low side. Looks like I'll be wearing those progesterone panties after all.

Why can NOTHING be easy? It takes us so long to even get pregnant, and then when we do get those two pink lines, there's always something else that creeps up on us. Why can't we seem to ever catch a break? I can't stand the thought of losing this pregnancy. I just don't even want to entertain the notion.

I've never used progesterone before. I've never had a need for it before. Any helpful advice out there? Experiences anyone cares to share? Realistically, is this promising if I have to resort to the suppositories already?

I can't help but feel this is doomed. Maybe the progesterone isn't THAT big of a deal, but I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

PLEASE STICK, MY LITTLE ONE. HANG ON TIGHT.

Mommy's coming to the rescue.

For Real

2007-11-28T07:05:00.000-05:00

Ding Dong. Yes, the witch is dead. But that's also the bell sounding Round Three. Let's see how long this one lasts.

Okay, off to regroup my thoughts and I'll be back later. Holy crap.

That Little Thing Called Hope

2007-11-27T07:54:00.000-05:00

Not only has she squeezed her foot in the door - she's burst down the door.

11dpo. Big temp spike this morning. Caught my attention.

Faintest of all faint lines on an IC. Not so faint you have to squint but it is more like a shadow. It came up within 5 minutes so I doubt it is an evap.

I'm not completely sold that we're about to enter the third (and maybe final) round but you bet your ass I'm going out and buying 15 different brands of tests to use over the next few days.

Keep me in your prayers. If this turns out to be negative, it will be the greatest mindfuck ever right before our break. How fitting.

Giving Thanks Never Gets Old

2007-11-26T19:14:00.000-05:00

The beautiful and creative JJ always has such wonderful ideas for giving back and showing support to our fellow sisters, and her latest endeavor doesn't disappoint.

As part of giving thanks, she challenges us to think back to the first blog that inspired us to become bloggers ourselves. The first person who made us truly believe we were not alone.

I owe the inception of my blog to Jamie.

I discovered Jamie's blog in early 2006. I was a relative newbie on the TTC journey but with one miscarriage under my belt, I knew it probably wouldn't be an easy one. I consulted good 'ole Google for other people like me - suffering from infertility or loss. Initially, I wasn't sure if I wanted to put my experiences out there for everyone to see but when I came across Jamie's blog, I was just inspired. She poured her heart out and really bared her soul with each post. I felt deeply connected to her through her words. And I wanted to touch people in the same way. I wanted to help someone else who may be lost or lonely. In September that year - about 6 months after my initial discovery - Sticky Bean was born.

So, I would like to take this opportunity to thank my muse. Blog you very much, Mrs. D!

Getting In The Christmas Spirit

2007-11-25T21:05:00.000-05:00

After my rant about Thanksgiving seemingly being skipped over, I am now ready to accept the Christmas season. And the fact that I'll be turning the big 2-5 in a little over 2 weeks. (Is it just me or has this year really flown by?)

I went to Wal-mart and got some Christmas cards to get more in the holiday spirit. I always say I'm going to send cards but never seem to get around to it. Christmas just seems to sneak up on me before I get a chance to gather my thoughts. I had a hard time finding the perfect card. I didn't want a simple "Merry Christmas!" on the inside, but something somewhat meaningful. DH was urging me to just pick a card but I explained that it isn't that simple. I don't want people to think I just chose the first thing off the shelf. I'm too indecisive when it comes to these things. Being quite the clever genius that he is, he quickly devised a plan to get me out of the store. He expelled an SBD that could asphyxiate any unsuspecting customer shopping for Christmas ornaments. That pretty much sealed the deal for me as I grabbed a box and ran for my life away from the gas chamber.

Next stop today was the grocery store. I was so excited to see new holiday products. I'm a sucker for anything "new" or "limited edition". So, I splurged on some Sugar Cookie tea (yum!), Apple-Mixed Berry sparkling cider, a gingerbread house kit and egg nog. A girl has to indulge herself with holiday goodness while she has the opportunity. Luckily, DH was able to control his anal gasses and I could take my time to peruse the aisles.

And while we cooked dinner, we listened to some Christmas music. I love nothing more than hearing the old classics by Bing Crosby, Nat King Cole, Burl Ives, Ella Fitzgerald or Frank Sinatra. I love the new classics too but the old classics are what I remember listening to as a child. They have a sentimental aspect to them; they are timeless.

Next on the list is getting our Christmas tree. Decorating the tree is probably my favorite tradition. But we have to rearrange our living room first. There's only so much you can do with 1200 sq. ft. of living space. Any new additions require some careful maneuvering.

Only one month to go.

Thanksgiving Recap

2007-11-24T21:46:00.000-05:00

I think it is safe to say that Thanksgiving was a success. The food was delish, the company was welcoming, and the holiday spirit was alive. What more could you want, you might ask? (Well, do you really need to ask?)

I love my niece with all of my heart, and everytime we get together, I can't keep my hands off of her. Everytime I see her sweet face, I'm reminded that I would have a son or daughter her age right now. (S)he would be walking and starting to talk right now. And while it hurts me deep in my heart, I think I have a connection or a bond with her that is a bit more than any of my nephews for that reason. We are very close to one another. It makes me feel so good when I go to the bathroom and she cries for me. Or when she reaches out for me to hold her. I just smell her skin (you know that powdery-fresh baby scent - to die for) and close my eyes and sometimes pretend she's mine. I know she isn't, and I feel guilty confessing it, but I can't help but fantasize about the day when I will have a baby of my own to have and to hold.

I am usually startled by reality when she runs to her "real" mother, my SIL. I am woken and confronted with the truth that I am not a mother and no matter how much I fantasize, it has yet to prove any differently.

However, in an attempt to focus on the positive, I have some photos of our Thanksgiving to remember:

The deep-fried bird

Me with the princess after some beauty rest

Being a bit less shy (she was running toward the camera)

My nephew, cheesing it up

Our gingerbread house creation

After an icing overdose

One funny incident to mull over: this morning, as we were playing, my niece pointed to my belly and said "baby". I was stunned for a moment and asked her to repeat it. She lifted up my shirt and said it again, "baby". I'm thinking maybe she was trying to say "belly" and it came out more like "baby". But it sure was interesting, to say the least. I'm only 8dpo so it would be impossible to know anything. Unless she is a fledgling psychic.

It's nice to know some people still have hope.

The Main Event

2007-11-23T09:16:00.000-05:00

I'm a professional shopper, so Black Friday is the main event I've been training for for months now. Its like the Olympics for retail addicts.

I was totally prepared to wake up at some ungodly hour and hit the early bird sales with SIL and DH. I stayed up last night until 330am, believing that if I went to sleep, I'd never wake up so soon so it was best I just stayed awake.

I was the only one left standing. Everyone else wimped out and slept in, so I was left alone to go to bed, defeated.

We're heading out in a bit so hopefully, we can still find a good deal somewhere.

Cornucopia

2007-11-22T10:04:00.000-05:00

First of all, I want to wish a very HAPPY THANKSGIVING to all of my friends out there in blogland who might be celebrating. For anyone traveling, I wish you safe travels.

I have so much to be thankful for this year. Sure, my life could always be a bit better - I could make more money, we could own a house rather than renting an apartment, we could have a baby - but I have to admit it is pretty damn good as of this moment. Here are just a few of the things I am thankful for:

1. My husband, who as cliche as it may sound, completes me in every way imaginable. He is my best friend and my lover - seriously, how lucky am I? It amazes me each day that I wake up with him by my side. We have gone through so much already in our marriage and we have grown stronger day by day as a result. I am thankful for his patience, courage, faith and love throughout the years. Not just with TTC but in everything I choose to do.

2. My family and friends - yes, that includes you, of course! Without the support of all of you, I would have been committed a long time ago. Blogging is, shamelessly, a major highlight of my day. While I have never met most of you, I feel bonded to you all. As if we are kindred spirits. I am so thankful to have all of you close to my heart. I wish we never had to endure this pain of infertility, but if we must go through it, I am so thankful to have women like you rallying beside me.

3. My job and DH's job(s) as they allow us to have the apartment in which we live, the cars that we drive, and all of the material possessions that we own.

4. My health, and the health of my family and friends. Each day is not guaranteed so I am thankful for each day I have here on Earth, and for each day my family and friends are with me.

5. My extra 10 lbs. (as much as it pains me to say it), because it means I have enough to eat.

I could go on but I will end the list here. Thank you all again for making this horse pill of IF easier to swallow.
__________________________________________________________

The legend is that the horn had the power to give its possessor whatever he or she desired.

I was reading about Thanksgiving and wanted to share with you all the legend of the cornucopia. The cornucopia is a symbol of food and abundance that dates back to 5 B.C. In Greek mythology, Amalthea raised Zeus on the milk of a goat. In return, he gave her the goat's horn. Legend had it that the horn had the power to give to the person in possession of it whatever he or she wished for. The original depictions of the cornucopia illustrate a goat's horn filled with flowers, fruits and deities. It is now associated with Thanksgiving and the harvest.

If I had a cornocopia, I'd want it to be filled with babies for each and every single one of us. Perhaps by next Thanksgiving, that will be a reality.

Wordless Wednesday: Happy Feet

2007-11-21T10:03:00.001-05:00

Musical Therapy

2007-11-20T20:59:00.000-05:00

A few months ago, some of the girls on my LP message boards decided that we had had enough of IF getting us down. We were sick of stuffing our faces with junk food and taking our frustrations out on our bodies. Bottom line: we needed a healthy method of cheering up.

One of my dearest online buddies came up with the fabulous idea of a "mix-tape chain mail". Similar to Mel's distractions, there were 4 CD's of music that would take us away from the stress of TTC. We would mail the 4 CD's in rotation - burning each CD and then sending off to the next person on the list.

Well, I just got my first CD today! Just in time for the holiday and in the 2ww no less. I'm not yet sure if it will stop my binging of sweets but it's a good way to begin. I am happy that I haven't heard the vast majority of songs. Maybe I will find some new favorites.

Here is the track listing for anyone who wants to play along at home:

1. Good Day Sunshine - The Beatles
2. Ecstasy - Rusted Root
3. Diner - Martin Sexton
4. When Two and Two are Five - Jonatha Brooke & the Story
5. The Best of What's Around - Dave Matthews Band
6. I'm Gonna Make You Love Me - The Jayhawks
7. Bablao - Angelique Kidjo
8. Soulshine - Gov't Mule
9. Late in the Evening - Paul Simon
10. I Wish - Stevie Wonder
11. That's Just What You Are - Aimee Mann
12. Tiny Dancer - Elton John
13. Little Plastic Castle - Ani DiFranco
14. Simple - Phish
15. Move - Miles Davis
16. When I Was a Boy - Dar Williams
17. Apeman - The Kinks
18. Windfall - Son Volt
19. Here Comes The Sun - The Beatles

For those playing along, which song is your favorite and why?

For those not playing along, what do you use as a cheap(er) form of therapy?

Light My Fire

2007-11-19T20:20:00.000-05:00

This is my favorite part of fall and winter. Sometimes there's nothing better than sipping some hot cocoa next to a blazing fire. Or in my case, eating some pumpkin pie. (Yes, I'm addicted to pumpkin, as you are all aware. And yes, I probably need help. But I'm not quite ready to admit there's a problem. Only when I gain about 10 lbs. in a week will I see it as an issue that must be resolved immediately.)

Now, all we need is a bear skin rug and some Marvin Gaye in the background to make this night complete. *wink*

Day of Rest

2007-11-18T17:53:00.000-05:00

With no more Tell Me You Love Me, I have no idea what I'm going to write about on Sundays.

Aside from attending church at 10:30am, today was one of those days of pure laziness. One of those days where I'm a bit embarrassed yet a bit proud to have done absolute jack. The apartment needs some attention but it just wasn't happening today.

I've never been what you might call domesticated. And while I've gotten better over the years with being married, I'm hardly the poster child for a fifties housewife. I can't cook from scratch to save my life. If it doesn't come in a box or a bag (or better yet - premade!), you can pretty much forget it. And even then, it can be dicey. Those directions can be tricky sometimes! DH usually laughs and will eat whatever I serve, even if it takes like poo. But he is a much better cook than I could ever hope to be.

I'm much better at cleaning but it's getting the motivation to do it that is my vice. I hate doing laundry, cleaning bathrooms, dusting, etc. And I am using the word HATE here purposefully. Once I'm in the zone, I am a woman on a mission and it's best you stay out of my way. But deep cleaning usually happens only if (a) we have company, or (b) I'm in a bad mood and need to release pent-up energy. I don't know why but being pissed off has always been the best motivator for me to clean. I told DH - in jest, mind you - to start arguments with me more often so our apartment would rival Melvin Udall.*

I often wonder how I'll fare as a mother, being that cooking and cleaning do not come naturally to me. Will the switch be flipped on the domestic circuit once I actually become a mother? Will I be more eager to keep up with the housework since I will have a little one who will be steadfast on eating things off the floor that they shouldn't and who will eventually need a healthier diet than pre-packaged chicken tenders? I just feel like I'm missing a chip in this department. Do I have any business having children when I can't even keep up with my own laundry? Never mention my husband's...

If I were pregnant, maybe I would be more of the barefoot, in-the-kitchen type. I guess my sick reasoning is that being infertile permits me to be lazy. If I don't have a child to look after, why bust my hump? I'll just live in my filth and slobbishness until I have a reason to "nest".

*5 points to anyone who can tell me in which movie this character resides.

Let Freedom Ring

2007-11-17T20:50:00.000-05:00

Thank you all so much for sharing your comments and experiences about acupuncture. It has really made the decision a no-brainer. I am feeling pretty gung-ho about going forward with it and will probaby make an appointment for a consultation before the big holiday next month. The only iffy part is the cost but I'm sure DH and I will be able to work out something - maybe as part of my Christmas present (that Kate Spade bag will just have to wait for next year). I will also check with my insurance company in the meantime to see if they will alleviate some of the burden of the cost.

Today, I've had a strange sense of peace and calm wash over me. It's not that I don't want this cycle to work. God knows I do. But if it doesn't, I don't feel that all is lost. I don't feel hopeless or overwhelmed with emotion like I have in the past. I will be relieved to get my life back. To do things I enjoy - things that I sacrifice as a result of my treatment and constant seesaw of emotions. I will be taking care of my mind and my body, without nasty side effects. No doctors' appointments (except maybe a consult with a new RE) or rendezvous with the transvag beast. It all seems so appealing. To let go of that stress. Exciting. So much so that it is a bit scary.

I am so used to having my life revolve around TTC. It's like being underwater for so long and now finding yourself drifting up toward the surface. You've been accustomed to the sea life .You haven't seen what it looks like on land for ages. You're not sure what the sky looks like anymore. All you can see is the light that gradually gets brighter until you completely emerge from the darkness. With TTC, you're so detached from the outside world. It will be nice to come up for air, even if it's just for a few months.

I'm ready to join the world of the living for awhile.

We'll still be trying - as in we won't be preventing. But we won't have a schedule or an Rx to follow. We can actually be spontaneous. DH has even mentioned vacationing in Paris. He had a sudden burst of inspiration while we watched Woody Allen's Everyone Says I Love You. I know it probably isn't financially possible. But this sense of peace seriously gives us wings. It's like we know we're about to be set free. And we can dream together like we used to. Let freedom ring.

Too Little Too Late

2007-11-16T13:09:00.000-05:00

This morning, I had dildo cam date #4. I knew something was up when the tech asked me if I had any pain last night. Come to think of it, I did have some pain last night in my ovarian region. DH and I went to bed immediately after - just in case it was my egg.

Sure enough, it was. I got a postive OPK this morning and the u/s confirmed that I ovulated all on my own. So, no trigger shot for me.

I knew they should have just given it to me yesterday. But whining about this is a lost cause. We got in enough BD to make our chances promising and we'll probably go at it again tonight just as a precaution.

I'm just kinda glad to get this over with and see what happens in 2 weeks. Test date will be 11/28, unless AF decides to grace me with her presence.

My due date would be 8/8/08. That would certainly make things easy.

Slowly But Surely

2007-11-15T19:11:00.000-05:00

Third u/s showed follie on the right has grown to 21mm. The RE wanted to see it at 23mm so I have to go back (AGAIN!) tomorrow to trigger. I felt like saying "GIVE ME THE DAMN SHOT NOW!!!" It's probably up to 23mm as we speak.

I think my ovaries are riding the short bus to school.

I am so over this. Now up to $200 out of pocket for ultrasounds in one week. (Did I ever say how much my insurance sucks?! I'm sure an OB u/s wouldn't cost me a dime.) Not to mention it took me an hour and a half to get to work from the clinic this morning due to the inclement weather. I was exhausted before I even got to work so you can imagine that my brain would be mush. I can't say I was at my most productive today. And I get to wash, rinse and repeat tomorrow. Thank goodness it'll be Friday.

I've given it some thought and I think that I'm going to break after this cycle, as opposed to cycling again in December. I just don't want to go through another lame response and $200 more dollars of pointless ultrasounds around the holidays. Instead of dealing with the med stress, I'm thinking of starting acupuncture and doing that for a few months while we are in our "not trying, not preventing" phase. I found this place and it seems like a good way to detox from TTC.

Are there any acupuncture vets out there? I'd love to hear about your experiences. How much does it cost? Does insurance reimburse you for any treatment? How long do you have to go? How often do you go? Do you like it or dislike it and why? Would you recommend it?

Any contributions to my research would be most helpful.

Hello, Lover

2007-11-14T19:54:00.000-05:00

I have a new love in my life. He fulfills me in every way imaginable. When I'm down, he picks me up. He warms my heart on a cold, blustery day. All is right with the world when he's in my grasp.

Pumpkin Spice Latte - I'm head over heels.

The thing about great love affairs are that they don't last forever. So, I'm going to make the most of the short time we have together. I think I'm addicted. Seriously. I've already had him 3 times this week and I'm craving more.

How I love the flurry and excitement of a new relationship.

As Shelby mentioned in a recent post, I am not quite ready for Santa at the mall (did we forget about Thanksgiving this year? It seems to have gone right from Halloween to Christmas decor) or for Christmas shopping. But this touch of seasonal magic is perfect timing.

Does anyone else have a holiday addiction they would like to share?

And One Breaks Away From The Pack

2007-11-13T07:18:00.000-05:00

Second u/s shows that the 12mm follie on the right has grown to 16.9mm. The others have fallen into oblivion. Not impressive but it will do. It wasn't large enough to trigger today so I go back on Thursday for a third u/s. I am quite tired of being violated by the dildo cam this week. He's been unusually gentle but the pricetag is the ouch factor. Each time I have to go back, it's another $50 down the drain. So, because my body refuses to cooperate, I will have spent $150 on ultrasounds alone this cycle.

Not the best thing to ponder on a dreary, rainy Tuesday morning.

In anticipation of our self-imposed break, I have been seriously contemplating switching RE's come the new year. It's not that I am unhappy with my current level of care. It's just that I need a change of scenery. In truly type-A fashion, I am making a list of advantages and disadvantages to ease the decision-making process.

Advantages to the Switch:

It is a 40-minute drive each way from the new apartment and I've put up with the horrendous, inconvenient, oh-my-gosh-is-that-a-raindrop-let-me-slam-on-my-brakes, I-695 traffic since our move in May. A switch to Super G Fertility Clinic would be convenient to home (location A is 6 miles away from our apartment) or to work (location B is 9 miles away from my job).

A new RE possibly means new approaches, tests and procedures. These could lead to a different outcome (BFP!).

I have heard rave reviews about this clinic. The doctors are available by email and they actually respond!

Possibly less expensive? I'd already be saving in gas alone!

Disadvantages to the Switch:

I am already familiar with my RE and the nurses and have established relationships. What if I hate everyone at Super G? I guess I could always go back...

Possibly more expensive?

My disadvantages reek of fear more than anything else. I doubt the cost will be a significant issue. After all, my insurance will remain the same. I think that the new year will be the perfect time to put my fears aside and go for the change. New year = new beginnings.

Or, as the Pollyanna in me gags and bounds the Cynic in me, I'll get a BFP by December. Or on our "break" (gasp!). I think I'd have a love-hate relationship with that scenario. On one hand, hell yes I want a BFP however it comes to me. But how I'd hate to be a cliche.

Let's not jump ahead of ourselves. I still have to get through this cycle. But a girl can dream.

Veterans Day

2007-11-12T19:31:00.000-05:00

While yesterday was actually Veterans Day, most of the world celebrated today with a day off. Not this girl. I still had to go pay the bills. No rest for the weary. Advertising agencies rarely recognize anything other than New Years, Labor Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Damn deadlines.

Veterans Day is traditionally reserved for the men and women who have bravely served in our armed forces. But our lovely Jenna has come up with an alternate twist for all of us battling the war of infertility. This award is for all of our brave women (and fellows too!) who share their story and bleed their emotions to inspire us and support us. Not only about infertility but any conflict in which they show sheer strength and perseverance. We have been dubbed "veterans of our circumstances".

So, without further ado, I pass this award onto the following recipients (in no particular order):

Kym, Tash, Courtney, Baby Steps to Baby Shoes, Melissa, Heather, Daisy, Wordgirl, Chicklet, Msfitzita, Niobe, Jenna, Mrs. B, Barb, Dianne, T, Rachel, Baby Blues, Shannon, JKH, A, Ilissa, Jamie, Chris, Jen, Carrie, Rian, R&R, <3a, Saras-P, Manda, B, Polka Dot, Samantha, Katie, Olivegirl, Christina, Mandy, Hilary, Melissa, Meg, Yodasmistress, Elephantscanremember, Rebecca, Abby, Sheri, Shelby, Farah, Alexa, Maya, Natalie, Ann, Sticky Bun, Artblog, M, Piccinigirl, Nica, Bumble, Grad3, J, Aurelia, SoCo, ES, Jamie, Jenny, Karen, Mony, and Jill.

I tried to pick those who weren't chosen elsewhere but I know I missed so many deserving people. Basically, if you are listed on my blogroll, you deserve this award. Pass it along to others who need a red (er, maroon) badge of courage.

And a big thank you to Jenna for this award. I am awed that you would think of me. You are certainly an example of a pillar of strength in our community.

Tell Me You Love Me: Episode 10

2007-11-11T22:02:00.000-05:00

Season finale. What's in store for our beloved infertiles...?

Palek is packing his bags. Carolyn calls him a quitter and a coward and says he's just like his dad. She says she isn't just going to let him leave. She's pregnant and they're having a baby. She blocks the door as he tries to leave. He says she got what she wanted and she doesn't need him now. He asks her to get out of the way. Carolyn cries and says no, although it comes out more like a plea.

I think Palek is a coward. He is automatically assuming he will fail as a father and a husband without even giving it a try. I think he is being extremely selfish here and should own up to his responsibilities, rather than running away. There are times I want to run away from my problems too - forget about IF, work, finances - but my problems would only follow me wherever I go. I find it best to confront the issues and try to resolve them. Do you tend to run from your problems or are you the type to tackle issues head-on?

Palek is over at Nate's house and is drinking some beers. Nate offers him the place to stay but he says he is staying at his mom's. Nate says he just needs to wrap his mind around it and that one day, he'll look back and laugh about this. Palek says that he waited a year "through it". Nate says parenting is hard but it makes you a better person. Nate's wife asks how Carolyn is feeling - with obvious contempt in her voice - and comes to put the kids to bed. The kids kiss Palek goodnight and call him "Uncle Palek". He doesn't seem to mind.

I often think about how parenting could make me a better person. It makes me examine my weaknesses and think about how I can change to be a good mother. I can be very impatient and I want results instantaneously. It is hard for me to "just relax", even on vacation. I can also be a perfectionist at work and in a lot of the things I do. I would have to learn to be more flexible and carefree and accept that I won't always be able to have control over everything. What areas do you think parenting will help you to work on?

Palek and Carolyn are in therapy. He confesses he moved out. The therapist asks them how it feels. He says "weird and shitty". Carolyn says it feels like being left and asks the therapist if she knows what that feels like. Carolyn says she feels the separation is permanent. The reason they are there is so she can tell him things she needs to tell him. She said the baby will have nothing to do with him and Palek will not have contact with him or her. She says the child will hate him. She doesn't care how he feels anymore - if he is hurt or confused. She said she is finished. He says he is too.

It always bothers me when mothers use their children as weapons of manipulation for their spouse or loved one to behave in a certain way. A child is not a toy that you can take away from someone when they "are bad". Whatever happens between Carolyn and Palek should stay between the two of them. Palek should have a relationship with the child for the sake of the child. Unless, of course, he is abusive but that isn't the case. I hear instances where parents brainwash the child into hating the other parent but that is mental abuse, IMO. A parent should look to the best interest of the child rather than carrying out their own twisted needs.

Palek is watching television when there's a knock at the door. It's Carolyn. She came to say sorry for what she said in therapy and that she didn't mean it. He says he thinks she did mean it and it's okay because at least she is honest. She says she wanted this so much - not for her but for them. She said she understands he can't be a father but she loves him. He says he loves her too but it has nothing to do with this. She says it is everything to do with it. She leaves, but not without looking back into his eyes longingly.

I think Palek needed to hear that she loved him. He mentioned that now Carolyn is pregnant, she doesn't need him anymore. I think men often need to be reminded that they are important. During the TTC process, it is easy for men to feel excluded when women are the ones going through the treatments. I can see how they'd feel they are just sperm factories. And during pregnancy, men often feel distant when they can't see, feel or connect with the baby like the woman does from the beginning. I think that reassurance is something that we all need once in a while.

Carolyn goes shopping with her sister. She asks if she is having symptoms and Carolyn says not really - only a little nausea. They decide to go out for lunch. Carolyn has some cramping and goes back to the OB. The OB does an u/s and low and behold, she can't find a heartbeat. She's had a miscarriage. The OB says miscarriages are quite common and they can try again after one month. She says she is very sorry.

I cried during this scene. Even though I predicted this weeks ago, it brought back some painful memories for me. I know how awful it is to hear those words, "I'm sorry...". It feels like your heart is being ripped from your chest. The doctor is only being professional but it always hurt me to hear about how common miscarriage is. It may be common but it doesn't mean it doesn't feel like shit when it happens to you.

Palek tries to comfort Carolyn and she tells him to leave. She says he is only there because the baby is gone, which he denies. She says she doesn't need him or want him. He insists on taking her home. Once at home, she tells him he doesn't have to stay and she's fine. He says she's not fine and he's not either. He tells her to move over on the bed and they cuddle.

I'm sorry but I would not be so willing to forgive. Call me stubborn but I would have told him that if he didn't want me pregnant, he can't have me when I'm un-pregnant. Then again, it's times like these when you need to lean on each other. Perhaps they can grieve together and grow closer as a result. What do you think - would you have let him back in?

Someone Pissed In My Cheerios

2007-11-10T20:57:00.000-05:00

As you can probably tell from the title, today's scan didn't go so well.

There were an assortment of follies but all of them were pretty small and insignificant. The largest follie I had was a 12mm on the right. Lovely. The two follies I had last cycle were bigger than that at this point. Even if the largest one catches up by Tuesday's repeat scan, I don't have much hope that it will be a golden egg. I just feel this cycle is already a bust.

I think my ovaries are starting to become acclimated to 100mg Clomid. They responded well during the first cycle of 100mg and I got my BFP. Last month - my second 100mg cycle - I had two follies but they were a good bit smaller than the ones from my BFP cycle. And now, I'm not responding at all. Or barely. Has anyone else had this experience? I feel like it is a waste of time at this point. I either want to go up to 150mg or take a break to save for injects. I hate this waiting in limbo crap.

After the news, I called DH and cried a little. I'm tired of always fighting this battle. I was frustrated and pissed off. We can do the same exact thing every cycle - same protocol, same BD, same everything - and it doesn't mean that it will turn out the same way it did in May. It's amazing to me how I can respond well twice and the third time, I get nada. WTF?

So, I met my mom at the mall for some retail therapy. I contemplated buying a puppy in the pet store but reason interceded and I decided it wouldn't be in the best interest of an animal to live in a third-story apartment with owners that work all day long. Then, I contemplated buying a Juicy Couture purse but rationally decided that it was impractical. Instead, I spent $150 on makeup, over which I now have a case of buyer's remorse. DH looked like a deer in headlights when I confessed about my splurge but he didn't dare scold me. He knew I needed to do something good for myself after the shitty morning. I even told him it could be part of my Christmas or birthday present but he insisted it was okay. I still might return some of it. I'm undecided. It made me feel good temporarily but nothing is going to replace the fact that I can't carry a baby. Hell, I can't even ovulate when I'm on medication to do so. This just sucks a big fat one.

When You Wish Upon A Star

2007-11-09T20:51:00.000-05:00

I could use some more fun to pass the time until my follie check tomorrow. Inspired by Dianne:

You Are The Star

You represent the ultimate in truth and purity.
Insightful and illuminating, you provide guidance for others.
You also demonstrate unselfish, unconditional love.
You posses many spiritual gifts, including the ability to heal.

Your fortune:

Your future is looking brighter by the day.
The near future will be a time of both hope and healing.
Luck is about to come your way, perhaps the best luck you have ever seen.
Life is about to get a lot easier and much better!

What Tarot Card Are You?

I sure hope this is accurate!

A Guest Blog Entry (Brought To You By The Great Blog Cross-Pollination)

2007-11-09T00:21:00.000-05:00

Geohde at Mission:Impossible came up with the fabulous idea of a blog cross-pollination. The idea is that, upon visiting your usual blogroll, you are exposed to a new voice that you may not have heard before. Like this idea? If you let Geohde know how much you love it, I'm sure she'd have another one...

And now onto the guest blogger post entitled, "Feeling Like Crap".

Huh. I feel as if I should be more prolific. After all, it's not every day that you get to "invade" another blogger's space. And since the whole point of The Great Cross Pollination is to capture the interest of other readers, well, I should be at my very blogging best. I should have something so deep and profound to write about that you are left wondering how you ever lived without my blog before.

Pressure.

Honestly, though, I can't take any more pressure right now. Also, I don't want to give in to the need to be anything other than what I usually am in my posts. After all, then you would be very disappointed when you started actually tuning into my blog on a regular basis. And I don't offer refunds.

Unless you already cheated and clicked on the link to see who was playing the role of Kristen today, I am currently a "mystery woman." So, I will give you some background. My husband and I have been through the wringer of unexplained recurrent miscarriage. For the first year and a half of our struggles with TTC, we had no issues with the getting pregnant part. We basically got pregnant whenever we tried (please don't hate me for that, I knew how lucky we were), but we would lose our pregnancies usually within a few weeks of finding out about them. We had testing done after the third miscarriage and nothing came up as being abnormal, including chromosomally for either of us. After our last loss, we were both in need of a break, so we decided to take six months off and then try again, this time with the help of our RE, who was going to "tweak" some things with increasing my egg quality, progesterone, etc. Well, to all of our amazement, we didn't get pregnant. For six cycles, we went with Femera, then to IUI, and were about to move to injectibles with IUI when we ran into a little snag.

My current amazing medical coverage will be over as of January 1, 2008. I know you might hate me a little for this, too, but my insurance has covered 100% of everything that we have done so far. We pay a measly little copay and the rest is taken care of. I know that this isn't the case for most people out there, so I have been extremely grateful for this wonderful benefit. It has allowed us to make decisions based on what was right for us, rather than what we could afford. This little luxury is about to be over.

We discussed this upcoming change with our RE, who had started suggesting a potential IVF cycle if one or two tries with the injectibles didn't work. That would have put us in January or February. She agreed that it made sense to just move on to IVF with PGD (pre-genetic diagnosis) and heparin a month earlier than we had originally planned.

So, no pressure, but my body doesn't have time to mess around. I have to respond perfectly to all of the medications in order to make it into the final transfers of 2007. Pressure? Nah, no pressure here.

I went in for my baseline follicle check yesterday and my body is already failing. It seems that I am one of the "lucky" few (less than 4% of women) who manage to ovulate even when taking birth control. I had a lovely 13 mm follicle (right on track for CD 5) coming from my left ovary. In order to suppress this ovulation, I am now taking a double dose of birth control pills every day.

Hence the reason for feeling like crap. I have never done well with the higher doses of bcps, back in pre-TTC days, I had to take a very low estrogen form of them. I was already on the higher estrogen dosage to start with for this suppression cycle and now I am doubled from that. My RE warned me that this wouldn't be pretty - it's not. I feel awful. I am nauseated, have a headache, and feel BLECH. And I am suspicious of the increasing EWCM that is gracing my undies. If I ovulate regardless of this increased dosage, then the whole thing is scrapped for December and we will be put in with the January transfers.

We won't know until the ultrasound scheduled for next Saturday. No pressure, no, not here.

Before I close, I would like to thank my gracious hostess, Kristen, for having me on her blog. And of course, the Queen Bee who started it all, Geohde of Mission: Impossible.

Can you guess the lovely honey bee who cross-pollinated my blog?

Behold The Wisdom Of The Oracle

2007-11-08T20:13:00.000-05:00

Okay, being the coffee lover that I am, I was inspired by JJ and Sara to see what the Oracle had to say about me:

Personality type: Clueless

You don't go to Starbucks much; when you do you just tag along with other people since you have nothing better to do. You would like to order a Tazo Chai Crème but don't know how to pronounce it. Most people who drink grande caramel frappacinos are strippers.

Also drinks: Wine coolers
Can also be found at: The mall

This is funny considering I love me some Starbucks and the lovely D.C. bloggers get together this Sunday happens to be at a local Starbucks establishment. Looks like I really will be tagging along. I also like wine coolers and the mall. Who doesn't?

And for the record, the only stripping I do is right before I enter the shower. Okay, maybe I strip down in my house when I'm having those famous Clomid hot flashes. But it's getting much too cold for that now. Cut me some slack, meanie.

Blogtavism: The My Story Project

2007-11-07T17:54:00.000-05:00

My husband and I began thinking about starting a family in June 2005, shortly after our engagement. We were both young - I was 22 and he was 26. We thought it would be easy. We had heard all of our lives that the minute you decide to try, you get pregnant. Little did we know what was in store for us. Over two years later, we have suffered two miscarriages (one after a heartbeat was detected) and have undergone numerous tests and procedures to figure out why we are unable to get pregnant and stay pregnant. Approximately 4.1% of women under the age of 25 suffer from infertility. Women under age 25 have a 10% risk of miscarriage. Less than 1% will have recurrent pregnancy loss. I happen to fall on the wrong side of the statistics.

My official diagnosis is ovulatory dysfunction, which means my ovaries do not release an egg every 28 days, as in most women. It is totally unpredictable. There are times when I do not ovulate at all (anovulation) and must use medication to induce my period. There are other times when my ovulation is delayed, which produces a low-quality egg that is unable to be fertilized. The average couple has a 20% chance of achieving pregnancy each month. My husband and I have less than a 10% chance of conceiving naturally each month. To put myself on the same playing field as a fertile woman, I must take oral medication (Clomid) and inject myself with the hormone hCG to induce ovulation. This medication causes numerous side effects such as mood swings, hot flashes, and weight gain. But I am more than happy to deal with these side effects if it means a live baby waits for me at the end.

Thankfully, our insurance has covered most of our procedures to date. I have had an HSG dye test that was covered 100% to rule out uterine abnormalities and my husband's semen analysis was also covered. Clomid is also covered, although my hCG is not. However, the recurrent pregnancy loss (RPL) panel that would test for chromosomal abnormalities will not be covered until I have had three recurrent miscarriages. As if the babies we create are just lottery tickets - if we don't win, just throw it away and try again. I wish it were that easy. Our insurance also will not cover IVF, which along with pre-genetic testing (PGD) may be necessary should we discover that one of us has a chromosomal defect. Most people say that, in that case, we should "just adopt". And adopting may, in fact, be an option for us down the line. But all I want is the chance to create a family. I just want to have the same chance at conceiving as any fertile woman.

Despite my hardships, I consider myself one of the lucky ones. There are many women I know who have paid out of pocket for expensive, high-risk treatments and have still failed in their attempts to conceive. As a 24 year old female, I should be at my most fertile. Alas, I am not. And it will only get worse as I age. My husband and I are limited in our options because we are unable to find a reason behind our losses. Without an explanation, we have no solution. Infertility and pregnancy loss is heartwrenching and studies show it causes depression similar to someone who has just been diagnosed with cancer. It puts stress on your work life to take time off for treatments. It puts stress on your marriage as sex becomes a chore and you fear you will never give your spouse a child. It puts stress on your friendships as people around you conceive easily and you attempt to mask your feelings of jealousy. The last thing we need to worry about amongst our medical conditions are financial worries. Women are left to select treatments based on what is covered by their insurance plan rather than what is most appropriate, forcing many of them to have less effective but covered treatments such as surgeries for blocked fallopian tubes or endometriosis rather than pursuing IVF, even though the cost is about the same and IVF is statistically more likely to result in a successful pregnancy. Some women even travel to foreign countries for less expensive procedures, possibly putting their health in danger. Mandated insurance coverage for infertility would allow women the right to choose which treatment is best regardless of dollar signs. The argument against mandated insurance coverage in the past has been that having a child is a lifestyle choice. Having a child may be a lifestyle choice, but what about those who smoke - is smoking not a lifestyle choice - and cost insurance companies BILLIONS of dollars when they develop COPD? IVF would cost much less and would not only save lives - the quality of life for infertile women as well as babies lost as a result of other less effective treatments or no treatments at all - it would create lives.

This post was made possible by the Stirrup Queen herself.

URGENT: Prayers Needed

2007-11-06T15:25:00.000-05:00

Your prayers and support are urgently needed for Ann. She is being induced this afternoon after confirming that her baby boy has bilateral renal agenesis. He has no kidneys or bladder and will not live outside of the womb. It is also likely that he has other congenital abnormalities. She is currently 20 weeks along.

I have been reading her blog since the beginning and I am just so heartbroken. Just when you think you're on your way, there is something else that swoops in to steal it away. Haven't us infertiles paid our dues? Why do we always have to be the statistic? I just don't get it. I don't understand and I never will.

She has a tremendous sense of strength and can admirably keep her sense of humor intact during this tragic time. I am in awe. I have to keep quickly wiping the tears away before I make a scene at work.

ETA: Your prayers are also needed for Maya, whose water broke with her 29 week old twin girls. I pray that she is able to hold off labor so her babies can grow stronger.

Lord, help carry my sisters through this time.

NIAW

2007-11-05T20:05:00.000-05:00

This week begins National Infertility Awareness Week. Baby Steps to Baby Shoes has challenged us to take part in one of the many activities that RESOLVE is offering nationwide, and then to blog about the experience. Later this week, I will share what I did to support infertility awareness.

Speaking of infertility awareness, the mother hen of all stirrup queens, Mel, has been nominated for an award. A BIG award. If she wins, she plans to use the attention to educate the general population about IF issues/statistics and to inform people about the IF/Pregnancy Loss blogosphere. And being election year, this could be MAJOR. We could finally get our voices heard by state senators about insurance coverage. Infertility is an extremely special issue close to all of our hearts and this is your chance to take a tiny bit of time to make a huge difference.

Inspired by Flicka's movement, Mel is going to write a draft letter for our local politicians and post it on her blog regardless of whether she wins or loses. However, if we want to reach the general population, she needs to win.

She really needs your help. We need your help. Vote here everyday through November 8th. Three clicks is all it takes.

Tell Me You Love Me: Episode 09

2007-11-04T22:34:00.000-05:00

Yolk sac and heartbeat on an ultrasound. Palek is squinting at the screen and comments it has a long way to go. The tech says time will go by pretty quickly. She asks if they want a picture to show off. Palek says no but Carolyn says yes at the same time so he caves. Next u/s is in 6 weeks. He tells Carolyn it is unbelievable that the picture will be them one day. Carolyn says no one expects him to fall in love with a grain of rice and to just give it time. He kind of mocks her but she tells him she'll get them through this. They kiss.

I have heard on more than one occasion that the father doesn't usually bond right away and sometimes it can take a while for him to feel that connection. However, it really worried me that he didn't have ONE positive thing to say during the ultrasound. He didn't even want a picture. Did anyone else find this a bit odd? I think Carolyn showed tremendous patience with him, although referring to the baby as a "grain of rice" probably didn't facilitate the growth of a relationship.

Carolyn and Palek are in a parked car and he is distracted. He confesses he's not ready to tell his mom and it is too early. Carolyn says she should know and he asks when she started to give a shit about his mom. She said since she became the baby's grandmother. Carolyn said if she had a mom she'd tell her even if she hated her. Palek says not to pull the dead mother card and that it isn't fair. She says they should just tell her in the middle of one of her stories so she'll barely notice. He says he doesn't want the drama and the hugging and kissing. But he concedes and they go inside.

Would you want to tell your parents right away? My mom was the first person, aside from DH, we told about the pregnancies. Of course, we are very close and she knows about our fertility treatments so I have to share everything with her. If we weren't as close, I may not be so open. Our families have been very supportive about our TTC efforts so even if things don't work out in the future, we feel okay having them behind us, praying for us and sending us good vibes.

His mom is going through some boring story when Palek breaks the news. She congratulates them and hugs and kisses them. Palek gets up and leaves, complaining of the temp of the room. Carolyn tells her MIL that Palek isn't happy and doesn't want this baby and she doesn't know what to do. His mother is surprised but tells her he will come around and that this is wonderful news.

I was glad that the mother was supportive about the news. However, I thought she should have been more attentive to Carolyn's dilemma. Did you think that she should have spoken to Palek later on - and by herself - about the pregnancy? Or did she do the right thing by stepping aside and taking a passive role? Perhaps some motherly advice would help Palek to vent and maybe she could help to guide him. Then again, it seems like he is hell bent on being miserable. so maybe nothing could help.

Carolyn's boss says the client is upset at the team and she can't blame them. They dropped the ball on this case - big time. She wants Carolyn to go over a ton of contracts before tomorrow morning with a fine tooth comb and report to a coworker. Carolyn tells her she needs more than 24 hours but her boss won't budge. Carolyn tells her to find someone else and gets up and leaves. She calls Palek at work and tells him she thinks she just quit her job. She says she doesn't want to work once the baby is born anyway and they are doing okay financially. She thinks she is done. She says she doesn't think she can go back in. Palek says he has to go and they'll talk when he gets home.

I have to take Palek's side on this. I think Carolyn should have consulted him first before she made the decision to quit. She made a major life-changing decision without him and this type of independence drove them even further apart. And though her boss has been out of line in the past, she was asking Carolyn to do her job. I didn't think it warranted her to walk out on the spot. Do you think Carolyn was right by when and how she quit her job?

Palek meets with his friend Shawn - the guy who bought their house - who met with the inspector. He had a second inspection of the house and finds there is mold everywhere. Palek said that can't be. Shawn said he'll still buy it but cleanup will cost at least $50k so he leaves it up to Palek. Palek is understandably pissed. Shawn asks if he is okay and Palek asks if that is a trick question. He steps outside and starts sweating and hyperventilating and he has to sit on the curb.

Turns out he had a panic attack. He tells Carolyn he thought he was dying. He had never been in the ER before. She said she can't believe she quit her job. He said it is ALWAYS about her. She tells him to grow up and that he's going to be a father. He says that is not reducing his stress level. She apologizes and says she was scared. He says he doesn't know what the f**k is going on.

Having suffered from panic disorder, I know firsthand how much panic attacks suck. You really do feel like you are dying. However, my attacks usually seem to come out of nowhere - when I'm not really under stress. I think Palek really does need to find a way to reduce his stress level or he will continue to have attacks. Do you have or have you ever had panic attacks? If so, what helped you to recover? For me, I had to learn breathing techniques to stop the hyperventilating. Also, watching something boring on TV would help me to occupy my mind but wouldn't excite me and make the anxiety worse.

Carolyn and Palek tell the therapist about the panic attack. She says it is the "body's alarm system going off" and it is a warning. Carolyn says she quit her job the day he had a panic attack. She says she needed him and he disappeared before her eyes. Palek says she quit without telling him. She says she can't depend on him - the first time in her life she depends on him. He says she knows how he feels about this. The therapist asks her how he feels. She says he is scared and she wants to get them back. She says she thinks she was too focused on TTC but she is here now and wants to work it out. Palek says she lost faith that they could get pregnant. He lost faith that they should. He wants to be a good husband but he says he doesn't think he can be a good husband and a good father. He doesn't have it in him. Carolyn asks what he needs from her. He says he thinks it is too late. He says he wants to split up. She asks why and he says he isn't happy. He says he hasn't been for a long time. Carolyn bawls.

Wow. I just don't even know what to say after this. I really felt for Carolyn - pregnant, jobless and now losing her husband. I feel like she is really trying to listen and make things work (although she is making mistakes along the way too) but she is fighting a losing battle because Palek has already given up. If he is unhappy, it is good he is getting out but at the same time, I just feel like he brought this on himself. If he couldn't be a husband and a father, he should have had a vasectomy or something. I don't know. I just think he is wimping out of the responsibility. What were your thoughts about this scene?

Next week is the season finale. How do you think it will wrap up?

Happiness Challenge Take Two

2007-11-03T15:05:00.000-04:00

My second chance at the first happiness challenge went MUCH better than the lame first attempt. Having a back-up plan worked like a charm. I could still find a little bit of joy without feeling guilty for being unable to work out.

Week 1: AF was here and the last thing I felt like doing was exercising. I was crampy and bloated and just feeling all-around yucky. So, instead, I defaulted to the backup plan: coffee. My little cup of happiness. And I didn't wimp out. I went straight for caffeine overload. No decaf here. The greatest thing was my lack of guilt. Why shouldn't I go for regular when decaf doesn't make a damn bit of difference in the outcome of my cycle? I figure, screw it.

Week 2: AF is gone and now I have no excuse not to work out. I felt good about this week. Tuesday was 35 minutes of running and uphill walking on the treadmill (total burned calories: 282). Thursday was 45 minutes of uphill walking on the treadmill and 15 minutes on the eliptical (total burned calories: 303). Sunday, I did some walking around the neighborhood since the weather was nice. I also did more walking at the mall - but since it was intermittent between looking at shoes and clothes, I doubt my heart rate went up enough for it to count as exercise.

Week 3: Tuesday was 45 minutes of uphill walking on the treadmill and 15 minutes on the eliptical (total burned calories: 333). I did more walking on Thursday but my ovaries were feeling like boulders from the Clomid so I opted for a vanilla latte to make up for that lost third day.

Week 4: Now in the 2ww and the fatigue was killing me. So, I went for more java goodness. I was a good girl this time though and chose decaf. You know, just in case a BFP was in the cards. That little thing called Hope was tagging along piggyback. At this point, I'm thinking I should invest stock in Starbucks.

Week 5: AF made her unwanted appearance and working out was not in the cards. I locked myself in the apartment and made myself some vanilla biscotti coffee - regular - to sip the pain away. I'm not sure if it really made me happy but it definitely didn't hurt. It was like I was flipping the bird to AF. If I can't have a baby, I'm having my caffeine dammit.

In making up for the first happiness challenge, I also tackled the second challenge of meditation. This was extremely hard for me on a few levels. The first step was finding the time for 10 minutes of peace to try and meditate. I usually have a good half hour to myself when I get home from work. DH tends to works late so I have the empty apartment all to myself. This would be the perfect time to lay on the couch and relax after a long day. Or so I thought.

It was inevitable that as I laid there, something would happen to wake me up from my state of relaxation. My cell would ring (men have the greatest timing sometimes, don't they?) or there would be a dog barking outside. I just couldn't find the true silence I needed to get 10 minutes worth of meditation in. I would maybe get to five, but honestly it was usually more like two or three minutes. I just scrounged up what little time I could.

The best time for me to meditate was right before I went to sleep. I know it was against the rules but as DH would be breathing softly next to me in bed, I could finally find some much-needed peace. I realized that my mind is forever wandering and it is hard to stop my thoughts in their tracks. In trying to think about nothing, I could only think of everything. Maybe for a few minutes, I'd have a quiet mind. But I could never quite get to 10 minutes. I guess it's a work in progress. Maybe the more you try, the further you get. I'm just not sure I have the patience to stick with it.

Grab Your Umbrellas - It's A Shower

2007-11-02T21:39:00.000-04:00

I have to admit I don't give my hubby enough credit sometimes. He has been quite a good sport about our infertility so I often mistakenly think I'm the only one that feels overwhelmed about all things baby. Like when I get sad to see an infant sleeping in a stroller. Or when I get sad when I see a woman massage her big pregnant belly. Or when I feel that pang of jealousy over a baby announcement or baby shower invitation.

It's nice to know us girls aren't the only ones that feel that way.

I got this email from DH this afternoon:

Hey baby,

You will love this. Probably something you can put on your blog. Email that went out to everyone in my company....

Hi all!

As you know, Xander is about to make his appearance. I'd like to arrange a little baby shower for Jody next week. I've gotten Jody's schedule, and it looks like Tuesday at lunch is best for her. (She doesn't know we're doing this, so shhhh).

I will be going out this weekend to get some decorations and gifts, but I thought it would be great if everyone could pitch in a little. If each of us brings in ONE gift for a baby bag, we'd have quite the collection for her! This can be things such as rattles, bottles, diapers, lotions, creams, pasifyers, blankets, etc. I've just given you a list, so you fellas, have no excuses :-P If there is something else you'd rather get, help yourself!

I am going to be putting together some other things from the office. Please let me know if you won't be in the office on Tuesday 12-1:30 or so. We will just be doing this in the conference room.

Thanks!!!
:)
Lindsey

There is no way in hell I will do this.

I love you,
ME

It did make me smile and smirk a little. Now I don't feel so lonely and evil. How obnoxious is this email? It basically demands that everyone participate. What happened to stuff like this being optional? I told DH he should say he'll contribute when everyone gives us money for our infertility fund. The sad thing is we'd probably raise less money. Infertility just isn't as exciting or deserving as pregnancy, I guess.
______________________________________________________________

Time to enter the confessional. Last weekend, when I knew AF was imminent, I backed out of the baby shower I was supposed to attend. I was so emotionally distraught that I made myself ill and I knew there was no way I could go through with it. It was the first time I had ever cried that hard over a failed cycle. I mean, I thought I'd be upset but I just completely lost it. Poor DH had to go to church alone because I couldn't stop sobbing. He just wrapped me in his arms for minutes that felt like hours.

I think I underestimated how hard it would be for me. I had every intention of going but when it came down to it, I couldn't muster the energy for the happy facade. The last thing I wanted was to bottle up my emotions, go and totally break down in front of a bunch of strangers. Or cause drama that would take away the attention of the guest of honor. I feel like such a terrible friend. It hurts me to think I may have let other people down by my actions, but there are times when I have to put my mental health first. And being around anything "baby" just wasn't a good idea at that time.

I ask myself, "why couldn't I just put it all aside and chalk it up to just another BFN? Why couldn't I suck it up like I always do?" It just felt like that temp drop was another loss. Another disappointing cycle down the drain. Another baby that couldn't.

Damn infertility.

Don't worry - I'm now out of my funk. I've come to accept that it is only within my control to move on - not live in the past. Chocolate and alcohol makes anything easier to swallow.

Are You Ready?

2007-11-01T19:21:00.000-04:00

Are you ready for more of me? I decided to participate in this year's NaBloPoMo so you'll be seeing a lot of posting around these parts. See, the challenge is to post something everyday during the month of November. Every. Single. Day. I usually post often but not that often. So, we'll see if I can live up to the hype. I have no idea how I'll fill up 30 days with tales a la Sticky. My life isn't particularly unique or interesting. It will probably turn out to be something like verbal diarrhea but I'm going to give a whirl and see what comes of it.

Like Niobe mentioned, I think it would actually be harder for me to do NaNoPoMo, where you are forbidden to post for a month. I'd seriously start to convulse from withdrawal. Then again, I'd probably be a better commentor...

That being said, I won't be offended if you just can't get to all of the posts. I just hope I can be somewhat entertaining now that I'm going daily. I don't want to become the blog equivalent to Unisom.

ETA: If you haven't already done so, please go give hugs to my girl Samantha. She's not in a good place right now after her last FET but a little bit of love goes a long way, so if you show your support, it will be a huge boost. Thinking of you and praying you can find peace in this time of uncertainty. XOXO

Thriller Night

2007-10-31T19:55:00.000-04:00

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

(Doin' the Monster Mash...It's a graveyard smash...)

I know one monster I'd like to mash - AF showed up yesterday, right in time for the holiday. How fitting. I now have my new costume: bloody infertile. I hear it is quite popular this year. DH and I are celebrating by drinking lots of alcohol (wine for him - Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade for me) and eating lots of candy, while watching the Halloween marathon on AMC. I swear, we are the oldest 20-somethings I know. Everyone else is out whooping it up and we're at home glued to the tube like old fogies. We bought 3 bags of treats for any kids that might stop by but we haven't had one knock at the door. Guess it's all going to my thighs then. Can't let those Reeses go to waste!

I called the RE today and my protocol for this cycle remains the same as always - 100mg Clomid CD5-9 and trigger shot. It did the trick once, let's see if it can give me a belated little treat.

Oh, and I have a bone to pick with a certain well-known company that produces feminine hygeine products:

Who the hell came up with this motto? Some 16-year old who uses the pull-and-pray method? They should be fired pronto. Happy period my ass. Everytime I look down and see this, I vomit a little in the back of my mouth. Am I alone here?

Guess I Need A New Costume

2007-10-29T08:02:00.000-04:00

BFN and I never even bothered to test. I'm not going to be wearing that pregnant lady costume this year. My temps have dropped steadily for the past 5 days and now are caressing my coverline. The 2ww of my chart actually resembles a steaming pile of dog crap. I urge you to take a gander at it yourself. What a magnificant piece of shit. (Sorry for the vulgarity but I just need to get it out.)

I had my emotional breakdown yesterday. Now, I'm just eager for AF to get here so I can pick up the pieces and try again.

I hope my cycle buddies have much more luck than I did.

Barren Bitches Book Tour #7

2007-10-29T06:56:00.000-04:00

I knew before reading Lolly Winston's novel that it would be painful for me. The tale of infertility, infidelity and the tangled web weaved from the search for happiness was not an easy read - at least for me. It brought out one of my admitted worst fears, and I'm sure the fears of many other women and men suffering from infertility and loss.

How do you move on after fighting a losing battle?

What happens when love just isn't enough to hold it all together?

The novel is told from the perspectives of several of the characters, giving you a greater, unbiased scope of the issues and feelings of everyone involved. And even though I didn't agree with some of their actions, I found myself sympathizing a bit more when hearing their side of the story.

At the end of the novel, I felt sad but yet at peace. As if life does go on after it is all said and done, even if it is how you never imagined. I found a sense of comfort in that, and would recommend for anyone going through infertility or for anyone who can appreciate untidy, unperfect endings. (After all, isn't that how life is? Welcome to reality. Nothing is ever wrapped up in a nice package complete with a bow.) While I really enjoyed Ayelet Waldman's novel from the last tour, I did find the ending to be a little too neat to hit home. The honest exploration of the hardships the characters endured was what I found to be most relatable.

1. Elinor seemed to turn all of her books on the subject of infertility backwards on the bookshelves, where Roger found them while cleaning. Why do you think she did so? In what ways do you think people who are struggling with infertility help in keeping infertility such a "taboo" topic? Do you see infertility ever becoming a more accepted or understood topic?

I think the turning of the spines toward the wall was to shield herself from the constant reminder of her failed cycles. I know that after my loss, I had to hide any reminders of our baby - the tests were filed away in a drawer, the baby clothes and maternity clothes were packed up into the closet, the pregnancy books were put on the shelf out of sight. I just couldn't handle looking at those reminders of what I should be experiencing right now. I believe it helps me with the grief process. I think it is natural to want to protect yourself after you feel so vulnerable for letting your guard down. It is instinctual to want to hide, which in a way keeps infertility so taboo. People don't understand because we often don't inform others of our true feelings. We make up excuses and put on happy faces so people don't know any better. They aren't mind readers. Infertility would probably be more accepted if we were more open about our struggle. As a community, we are more powerful than just one person. If each one of us could reach one person, society could slowly change their views. But infertility in itself is very personal and everyone grieves differently. So, "coming out" for one person may be much more difficult than for another. I think, eventually, with more and more people using A.R.T., it will be more understood and appreciated. It will just take time and I'm not sure if that will happen in my lifetime or not. I'd like to think it will though.

2. "Warren", the old oak tree in Elinor's front yard, is a symbolic character in the book. Ted and Elinor's unexpected pregnancy was conceived under the fateful tree. What were your thoughts on Warren's symbolism? Do you have a similar touchstone in your life for times of turmoil?

I think that Elinor saw a lot of herself in Warren. He was old and broken, as Elinor felt, and I think that is why she felt so upset when he had to be cut down. She clung to that tree as she wanted Ted to cling to her - rather than to Gina. Warren was infected and would spread disease to everyone around him, as Elinor felt she had done with her depression. Cutting Warren down made Elinor realize how alone she really was and gave her time for self-reflection. She could no longer hide from her problems. I think that in my times of turmoil, I turn to music. I have different playlists for my moods to help soothe me and quiet my mind. My blog is also therapeutic. I can always turn to those outlets to help me deal with whatever is going on in my life.

3. The end of the book was left open to the reader. Do you think that Elinor and Ted stayed together, or that they really finally separate? Did she pursue adoption on her own, or did they do another round of IVF with PGD? Do you think she ended up happy, or did she continue to struggle?

I think they finally separated. Elinor mentioned that she contacted the divorce attorney and I think she really went through with it. After seeing Ted with Gina in the hospital, I think she realized it was more than sexual attraction between them. I got the feeling that she was at peace with the decision. She seemed focused, like she knew what she was going to do for once. I think she ended up happy, adopting on her own or maybe with Noah, while Ted and Gina and Toby became a family. It wasn't the way Elinor wanted it, but at the same time, I think this gave her the best chance at true happiness.

4. The book explores different kinds of love. It seems that their battle with fertility (and really Elinor's battle with herself) has changed the type of love Ted feels for his wife. Has your journey with infertility and/or loss changed the love between you and your spouse?

I think that our infertility battle has definitely changed our marriage - in some ways for worse and some for better. I think it has brought us closer to each other as we've seen each other at our lowest points. It has certainly helped us to communicate better and not to hide from each other. I think once you start hiding things and isolating yourself, it broadens the gap between the two of you. It is so easy to let infertility become the big pink elephant in the room. It is much harder to actually tackle it together. Infertility has also made me a much more insecure person. I find I am terrified that DH will leave me for someone who can bear his children. Or that he will decide to give up on TTC before I am ready. Those thoughts sometimes poison our relationship and I have to take a step back and tell myself to be a bit more rational. But I figure if we can survive this somehow, we can survive anything. So I am more determined than ever to get through this together.

9. On page 66, Elinor reveals that she was more disappointed about not being able to have Ted's child versus not having a child at all. How did you react to this revelation? Can you understand her feelings and if so, how do they relate to your own?

I could totally relate to Elinor when she made that statement. While I want to experience pregnancy and childbirth, I think my desire to give DH a child trumps that. When a cycle fails, I am more depressed in that I feel I have disappointed him than I am about actually not being pregnant. I want to give my DH the gift of fatherhood and it kills me every month I am unable to give him that priceless gift. Adoption is always an option for us but I know it is not DH's first choice so I put pressure on myself, and my body to "perform". And while, deep down, I know it is beyond my control, I still feel responsible for our losses.

11. Lolly circles back repeatedly to examine the peculiar dynamics of a marriage plagued by infertility. In particular, she focuses on the conflicting desires for closeness and distance that Elinor experiences. Why do you think Elinor "is irritated by her husband when he was attentive, and then resentful when he stepped back to give her room?" (p. 12). Even during difficult treatment cycles, Ted was not a source of comfort to her (p. 26). Why?

I think that because our emotions are always on a rollercoaster of ups and downs, it is impossible for our spouses or partners to mirror our feelings and give us what we need exactly when we need it. Elinor had unrealistic expectations for Ted because no matter what he did, she was left unfulfilled. She didn't know how to tell Ted what she needed and she retreated from him when he couldn't give it to her. Everyone grieves differently and men and women are almost always on different pages with infertility. There are times I have actual separation anxiety from DH and I need him near me, and then other times, I just want to be alone. I no longer expect him to completely understand. I just tell him when I'm in a bad mood and need some "me time" and I tell him when I really need him to hold me close. It may not always be convenient (most times it isn't) but I think that in our marriage, communication seems to help. Even if he doesn't "get it" or know why I need what I need (hell, sometimes I don't even know why I need what I need), at least he will know what I need from him. Our spouses want to be there but often don't know how. They want to fix things for us, but there is never an easy fix and so they often become helpless bystanders - not knowing where to begin or afraid to make a wrong move.

Sometimes I focus too much on the reasoning behind my emotions - why do I feel this way? why did this happen to me? I think that no matter how illogical my emotions may be, the reasoning isn't always as important as acknowledging what I need to stay sane. For example, if I'm full of tears, I think it is my body's way of telling me I'm not ready to go out and conquer the world today. I may not know why I'm so misty and there could be a million reasons for it, but in the end, it doesn't really matter. All I know is I need some time inside and away from the outside world today.

Intrigued by the idea of a book tour and want to read more about Happiness Sold Separately? Hop along to more stops on the Barren Bitches Book Tour by visiting the master list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. Want to come along for the next tour? Sign up begins today for tour #8 (The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood) and all are welcome to join along . All you need is a book and blog.